Discover the subtle actions that can create a chasm of mistrust, and how to go about navigating this tricky relationship territory

Ever caught yourself deleting innocent text messages from a colleague? Or felt a twinge of guilt about that late-night Instagram scroll through your ex’s profile? These seemingly harmless moments that somehow feel wrong have a name: micro-cheating.

What is micro-cheating?

Micro-cheating refers to small actions that aren’t technically considered cheating by some people, but still feel like a breach of trust. It might not involve physical intimacy — the stereotypical hallmark of infidelity — but could involve anything from a stolen glance to flirting, or ‘liking’ provocative Instagram photos of someone else.

Some examples of micro-cheating can include:

  • Secretive conversations online
  • Regularly checking an ex-partner’s social media profile
  • Saving contacts under fake names to avoid detection
  • Discussing intimate details with others
  • Engaging in flirting that would upset your partner
  • Inappropriate touching
  • Hiding your relationship status from others
  • Still maintaining, or swiping on, an online dating profile

While these are examples of micro-cheating for some relationships, there are no hard-and-fast rules. What one person sees as a violation may be acceptable to another. What constitutes micro-cheating is personal to each relationship and the people involved, so it can be important to have conversations with a partner so you’re both on the same page regarding boundaries, and what you consider appropriate.

What influences perceptions of micro-cheating?

Factors like personal values, past experiences, and cultural norms, can contribute to what individuals classify as micro-cheating. For example, someone who values having a strong support network may have no issue with a partner who shares intimate relationship details with a friend when they need to. Whereas, someone who has experienced infidelity in the past may have stricter boundaries about what kind of information sharing is appropriate.

Similarly, differing attachment styles can influence what people need to feel secure in a relationship. From my experience and knowledge of queer culture, maintaining a friendship and even sharing custody of a pet with an ex is more commonly accepted than in other communities. A 2023 Newsweek survey also revealed differing generational perceptions of cheating, with 43% of those aged 18–24 agreeing that cheating must be ‘physical’ to count. Only 30% of those aged 45–54 felt the same way, highlighting how personal experience shapes what qualifies as cheating.

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Why talking about micro-cheating matters

Whatever micro-cheating means to you, it’s essential that you and your partner(s) define it within your relationship. Otherwise, anyone in the relationship is at risk of inadvertently micro-cheating, because expectations haven’t been made clear.

Because micro-cheating is such a grey area, it has emotional consequences for all involved. The person who has been hurt may experience mistrust, grief, and anger. They may feel invalidated if the other person doesn’t ‘believe’ they have cheated at all. The perpetrator may feel guilty after finding out the upset they’ve caused, and this can create a further divide and lack of trust.

Identifying micro-cheating

So, how do you spot micro-cheating in the first place? Counsellor Abigail Holman says, “One of the early signs is a sense of secrecy – perhaps one partner becomes defensive when asked about certain interactions, or starts hiding their phone.”

You may notice your partner has become preoccupied with one particular person, hides their conversations, or has suddenly changed passwords on their devices. “If either partner starts feeling uneasy, or there’s a noticeable emotional distance, it’s a sign that trust might be at risk,” Abigail adds.

When these feelings arise, it’s important to approach the issue with empathy and openness. “We all have different upbringings, life experiences, and relationship histories, so it’s important not to assume that our partner will have the exact same set of values as we do,” says Abigail. “By listening and understanding their perspective, this can lead to greater emotional intimacy and trust.”

Symptom of underlying issues

While it’s easy to focus on the behaviours themselves, micro-cheating often stems from deeper emotional needs. “When someone struggles with low self-esteem or insecurities, they may seek validation outside their relationship, often in small, subtle ways,” Abigail explains. “Although we often assume a secure relationship would give someone the validation they need, it doesn’t always feel that way for someone with deep-rooted insecurities.”

This could be anything from personal insecurities to unresolved trauma from past relationships. “If one partner is seeking emotional support or attention from someone else, it may be a sign that their emotional needs aren’t being fully met,” says Abigail. While this doesn’t excuse the micro-cheating behaviour, it does suggest that taking time to engage in an open dialogue and understanding its origins could help rebuild the relationship on better foundations.

How to discuss micro-cheating

When you suspect someone of micro-cheating, the first step is to share how you feel. This is understandably quite scary, especially if you’re worried about damaging your bond. “Start by sharing how certain behaviours make you feel, rather than accusing your partner,” says Abigail. “For example, ‘I feel uncomfortable when…’ is a great way to invite a supportive conversation.”

If you’re the perpetrator, now is the time to apologise and take responsibility for your actions. “Rebuilding trust after micro-cheating can be challenging,” says Abigail, “but it’s definitely possible with time and effort. It’s important to discuss non-negotiables –things that each person absolutely needs in the relationship – and where there’s room for compromise.”

A breach in trust can offer a unique opportunity to get vocal about your needs and boundaries which, although difficult in the moment, can lead to a deeper connection in the long-term.

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A word of warning

There’s a big difference between raising valid concerns around potential breaches of trust, and controlling or coercive behaviour. Making unreasonable demands for attention, baseless accusations of infidelity, and telling someone what to do, wear, or think are all signs of a potentially abusive relationship. Visit nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence to learn more.

Make boundaries, not demands

“When everyone agrees on the rules of the game, there is less room for confusion, and everyone knows where they stand,” explains Abigail. “This means there is less space for grey areas or accidental boundary-crossing, which helps maintain trust and respect.”

Being clear with those you are in relationships with allows you to communicate what makes you feel secure. This might mean discussing how much interaction with ex-partners feels comfortable, or what type of sharing feels appropriate. It’s not about making demands, but more about sharing your perspective and being open to hearing theirs.

“Boundaries respect both partners’ autonomy, whereas demands limit it,” says Abigail. “Setting healthy boundaries means honouring both partners’ feelings, and making sure they reflect a mutual agreement on what feels right.”

The world of micro-cheating challenges us to examine not just our actions, but the intentions behind them. Rather than seeing micro-cheating as a red flag, perhaps we should see it as a chance to improve communication and self-awareness. By talking about our needs, insecurities, and boundaries, we can strengthen our foundations. The goal here isn’t to gain control, but to create trusting relationships where we feel secure enough to be transparent about our emotions. In doing so, we might find that what matters isn’t the precise definition of micro-cheating, but our willingness to understand and respect each other’s emotional needs.