Breakups are rarely easy, but what if moving on after a relationship is even harder for you than others?

Ending a relationship can be… tough. Perhaps you’ve drifted apart and things have ended amicably; maybe communication broke down, or your emotional connection faded over time. Infidelity, money troubles, toxic or excessive jealousy, trouble making things work long-distance – there are more reasons than you can count for a relationship to end. Yet, for many of us, that doesn’t make the healing process any easier.

The average adult in the US will experience three major relationship breakups during their lifetime, taking six months to get over each fully, according to a survey by OnePoll. Yet, according to research, on average we give ourselves just four days to ‘wallow in sadness’ (or rather, grieve for the relationship we have lost) immediately after it has ended. For those ending a more long-term, committed relationship, like a marriage, studies estimate it can take up to 18 months to feel ready to move on.

So, why do some of us seem to be more affected than others when it comes to moving on from our relationships? And could taking longer to ‘get over’ your ex be a sign of something more serious?

Relationship breakups: What’s normal?

The end of a relationship can come with huge life changes. If you share a home, you may find yourself needing to move; if you share bills, you’ll need to take another look at your finances. If things aren't amicable, who gets to ‘keep’ your mutual friends? And that’s not even touching the emotional turmoil that can leave you feeling anxious, angry, sad, overwhelmed, bitter, confused, hurt, and heartbroken.

While there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to experience a breakup, there are aspects which can make it easier for you both. You may feel more able and ready to move on if:

  • The breakup happened face-to-face. Ghosting, or being rejected by text, call, or email, can stop you from having the chance to express yourself and your feelings, or having an opportunity for closure. This can prevent you from feeling able to move on, as you may seem like you have unfinished business, or too much has been left unsaid.

  • You both had the chance to be honest. Having a real reason for the ending of a relationship (without going into too much detail, or feeling too brutal) can help create a sense of catharsis. You may still be unhappy, or not fully agree with the reason, but knowing why things have ended can be a big help in moving on.

  • You had a clean break. When one partner tries to hang on, insists on ‘fixing’ or ‘saving’ your relationship, or tries to argue that your reasons or feelings aren’t valid, it can cause more harm than good. Even if part of you desperately wants to remain friends, it can be easier if you don’t.

  • You avoided blame and shame. In any relationship, nobody is perfect. Trying to villainize one partner isn’t helpful for either of you (even if they have done something many feel is unforgivable, such as cheating). We’re all human. While it doesn’t fix the betrayal, avoiding pointing fingers can also help you avoid holding onto feelings of resentment and anger.

  • You took time to grieve. The end of a relationship is a big deal. Giving yourself enough time to fully process not only what has happened, but what you have lost and what could have been, is an important part of the process. Even if things have ended amicably, or you have drifted apart, there could still be a lot to process. When you take the time to do this, it can help to resolve any underlying tensions or upset, and ensure you feel more ready to move on to a new chapter in your life.

But what if you didn’t have one or more of these? And what if negative feelings are still lingering, months after your breakup?

What is breakup depression?

After a big, unsettling or upsetting life event like a breakup, it’s normal to feel low. But when these feelings last for a long time and start to affect your day-to-day life, it can be a sign of something more serious.

A 2019 study in PLOS ONE found that, post-breakup, our emotional state can closely resemble clinical depression. Breakup depression, also known as situational depression, is where these negative feelings after a breakup continue to last longer than six months, and significantly impact other areas of your life.

Symptoms, intensity, and length can all vary from person to person. But some signs that can indicate depression over typical end-of-relationship sadness can include:

  • Apathy, hopelessness, helplessness or worthlessness
  • Sudden changes in weight or appetite (increase or decrease)
  • Fatigue, lack of energy, or listlessness
  • Trouble sleeping or waking up (too much or too little sleep)
  • Loss of interest in hobbies
  • An ongoing feeling of being sad, empty, or numb
  • Thoughts of self-harm, passive suicidal ideation, or suicidal thoughts

If you’re worried that you are experiencing symptoms for a prolonged period, or that they are getting worse, it’s important to reach out and seek help. Speaking with your GP can be the first step towards being assessed for depression, and getting support.

What causes breakup depression?

Situational depression can be triggered by big life events. The end of a relationship can create high levels of stress, emotional distress, and upset, as well as leading to big life changes, which not only feel overwhelming, but which you may feel like you have to face alone.

The aftershocks of a breakup can permeate through all aspects of our lives, impacting our support networks (losing shared friends, access to extended family), our financial situation (not splitting bills, returning to a single income), and even figuring out co-parenting. But there are a lot of internal effects, too.

A breakup may negatively impact your self-esteem and confidence, leaving you second-guessing your decisions or being overly self-critical. You may become more insecure, anxious, or uncertain.

If you already have low self-esteem, it could affect how you see yourself and others. You may struggle to value, like, or believe in yourself, and blame yourself for anything that goes wrong. This crisis of confidence can result in you not trusting your own judgement or abilities. This can create a destructive cycle, leading you to feel more insecure and likely to doubt yourself. The result? It’s even harder to move forward.

How can I look after my mental health and move on after a breakup?

Situational depression symptoms typically fade within six months, so for more mild or moderate cases, you may feel able to work through these yourself. However, if you’re worried about your symptoms, or how long your low mood is lasting, speaking with your GP is the first step. They can offer assessments, referrals, and treatment options.

In a lot of cases, just talking through what you’re feeling can be an immense help. If you’re not comfortable opening up to a friend or family member about the details of your breakup, a counsellor could be a good alternative, allowing you to speak with someone with an outside perspective, who can offer you a safe, neutral space to express yourself. This can, for many, feel freeing, and help you to process unresolved thoughts and feelings.

Alternatively, hypnotherapy can be a useful tool for handling heartbreak. A hypnotherapist can help you to reframe your thoughts, focuses, and goals in this time of upheaval, and may help you to picture a future without your ex, enabling you to feel less overwhelmed in the here and now.

Giving yourself time to embrace your emotions – positive and negative – can help you to better process them, while taking time to grieve for your lost relationship. Journaling can be a healthy outlet for this.

Beyond that, creating a healthy, sustainable self-care routine can ensure that your wellbeing is still a priority. Showing yourself that care and attention you deserve, even when you don’t feel it, will eventually override that voice of self-doubt, and help to rebuild your confidence and self-worth. Additionally, wellbeing staples like getting enough sleep, eating well, and gentle movement can boost your mood, energy levels, and help to fuel you through the tough period of adjustment.

And if you find yourself reminiscing, remember, it’s OK to look back on the good parts of your relationship. It’s highly likely that you shared many happy memories together. Just do your best to avoid thinking of only positive or negatives, as this can give you a skewed view, leaving your stuck in the past rather than looking forward to your future.