Are you, or someone you know, prone to hiding hard emotions behind a smile?
You’ve heard of the phrase ‘putting on a brave face’ – the idea being that whatever it is that’s going on inside, on the outside you appear stoic, calm, and collected. That’s essentially what’s meant when labelling someone an ‘eccedentesiast’ – a term to describe a person who hides their emotions behind a smile. From the outside, they may seem happy and content, but hidden behind that smile could be a turbulent storm of difficult emotions. The word is derived from the Latin ‘ecce’ (which means ‘look at’) and ‘dente’ (for ‘teeth’), so the word literally means ‘look at the teeth’ – an instruction that points to a surface-level sign (the smile) over the reality of what someone is feeling.
So, why do we do it? In reality, it depends on the individual. For some, it may be about not wanting to show any signs of weakness, or worrying that others may judge you if you display sadness, disappointment, fear, or frustration. For other people, it could be about avoiding getting hurt – you may have had your feelings manipulated or dismissed in the past, and so, naturally, you want to protect yourself from feeling exposed. Other reasons may include a lack of confidence, a fear of conflict, or a need to keep those around you happy.
But whatever the reason may be, being an eccedentesiast comes at a cost. In a study, published in the International Journal of Psychotherapy Practice, it was concluded that expressing our true emotions is crucial to good physical and mental health, as well as our general wellbeing. Concealment, on the other hand, can be a barrier to good health.
Doing so can also impact our relationships. In an experimental study from 2003, published in Emotion, two strangers were asked to watch a Holocaust documentary together, and then discuss their reactions. In some of the pairings, one partner was instructed to suppress their emotions while talking about it (unbeknown to the other participant). What they saw was that the partner who was not suppressing their emotions experienced an increased stress response following the interaction with the one who was.
But while the cost is clear, it’s not always easy to spot when we, or others, are falling into these sorts of behaviours – perhaps because it’s a habit built up over a lifetime, or maybe because it’s an automatic response to uncomfortable situations. Here, we’re exploring five ways to spot eccedentesiast behaviours.
When the emotions do come out, they come out intensely
In the same International Journal of Psychotherapy Practice study mentioned earlier, researchers also found that suppressing our emotions can actually make them more severe and intense.
In practice, this might look like an ‘overaction’ in someone who may otherwise be quite even-tempered. Their reaction may feel out of place for the situation, for example, getting very upset about something that might seem quite minor. Their feelings may also become misplaced or misdirected, and the emotional response could be difficult to follow for an outsider looking in.
Overall social functioning is impacted
During an interaction, something might just feel a bit ‘off’ to the person not holding back their emotions. The conversation may not flow as you would have been expecting it to, or you may get the sense that something is ‘missing’.
This sense might be coming from your intuition, but research has shown that holding back our emotions can inhibit our ability to function socially. According to a review published in Frontiers in Psychology, the act of suppressing our emotions, both positive and negative, results in us masking important social signals, which goes on to impact the interaction.
There are physical signs
It’s not just social signs that can alert you to something being wrong. A 12-year study published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research found a link between emotional suppression and an increased risk of early death. This is due to the way it can lead to feelings of stress, which may contribute to sleep issues, high blood pressure, heart problems, and even diabetes.
In practice, the individual may find that they have trouble with sleep and relaxation. Their anxiety levels may feel heightened, and they could experience long-term stress as a result of holding their emotions in. Anxiety and stress both come with a host of other physical symptoms – from unpleasant bodily sensations like headaches to triggering digestive issues, and even weakening our immune systems.
They always look for the silver lining
A study by psychologists at Washington University, St Louis, found that there are two ways that people mask their emotions. The first is by suppressing them to hide them away, but the second is ‘cognitive reappraisal’, which involves changing one’s perspective to reduce the intensity of the situation and their emotional response – in other words, they may try to see the good in a bad situation.
This is a technique that is actually taught and used in cognitive behavioural therapy, and is something that many individuals may find very helpful under certain circumstances. It can enable them to view the emotion in a different light, and they may feel better able to cope with it. However, a 2017 review published in the journal Emotion found that this technique may come at a cost (in some cases, it is associated with a decreased level of self-control), especially in response to high levels of emotional intensity – perhaps, for example, following a bereavement or significant loss.
They have something to gain by suppressing their emotions
What would be the motivation to hide the emotion behind a smile in this situation? In the workplace, faking a smile could be in order to maintain likeability, or to portray yourself in a certain way. However, this was shown to take its toll in a 2021 study from West Virginia University, which found that ‘surface acting’ (putting on a false front) in the workplace is actually associated with worse job performance, and lower job satisfaction.
In a relationship, it may be that they’re trying to keep the peace by putting a positive spin on it, and other times it might be about appearing strong when, inside, they may not truly feel that way. Considering what the motivation may be can help us to spot instances of eccedentesia.
Moving forward
In an ideal world, we would all feel safe to express the things that we’re experiencing. But the truth is, people often have complex and personal reasons for hiding their emotions behind a smile. Speaking to a wellbeing professional, such as a counsellor, can be a good first step for approaching this behaviour – as the counselling session provides a safe space to share complicated feelings without the risk of judgement.
There is freedom in being honest about the things that we’re experiencing and, with time, learning to express the difficult things we go through in a healthy, productive way, can unlock this power.
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