From a complete betrayal, to a friend hiding the truth to protect your feelings, finding out you’ve been lied to can hurt. So, why do so many of us stretch the truth in daily life? And how can we navigate tricky conversations without resorting to a little white lie?
Dinner’s on the table. Your partner, beaming with pride, watches as you take a cautious bite, waiting patiently for your reaction. It’s no Michelin star meal, but you appreciate the effort, and don’t want to hurt their feelings. “Delicious,” you say with enthusiasm. It’s a classic little white lie. No harm done, right?
What is a white lie?
White lies generally come from a place of kindness, where you avoid the truth in order to protect someone’s feelings, usually over something seemingly small and harmless. You bend the truth and say you love your colleague’s neon green car, because you want them to be happy. You avoid a lunch date with a heartbroken friend by saying you’re too busy when, truthfully, you don’t have the energy to hold space for their sadness just now. In most cases, a white lie is seen as justified because it spares someone from a painful, unnecessary truth.
Understanding the motivation
As children, we’re raised to believe that lying is wrong. But the reality is that daily interactions are laced with false statements, and are an essential form of social lubrication. While not always ideal, they help us navigate social norms, ease tension, and create a more pleasant atmosphere.
For example, one key characteristic of a white lie is that it’s meant to benefit someone, with no malicious intent behind it. Another big motivator? Avoiding conflict or protecting our egos. Not in the mood for small talk with a colleague? A quick “I’m running late for a meeting” helps you avoid seeming disinterested. Similarly, in some cultures, directness can be seen as rude. This explains why you might decline a dinner invitation with a fabricated excuse, rather than admitting you’d rather be home snuggling with the cat.
White lies gone wrong
Over time, a string of white lies, however small, can chip away at a relationship. It creates a sense of uncertainty about what’s true, and can undermine trust. If you become a habitual liar, you may find yourself caught in a web of deception, and feel unable to keep up with the false stories you’ve amassed over time.
The irony of frequent white lies is a phenomenon psychologists call ‘deceiver’s distrust’. The more someone bends the truth, the more they become suspicious of others’ honesty. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy; constantly being dishonest makes it harder to trust others – even those who are genuinely truthful – which can create a toxic cycle and pushes people further apart.
But telling a little white lie to your kids is different, and totally acceptable, right?
Fiona Yassin, a child, adolescent, and family psychotherapist, says it’s natural for parents and carers to use lies as a means of protection, especially when it comes to grief, divorce, and current events.
“As a result, parents often sugar-coat the truth, lie, or embellish the reality,” explains Fiona. “However, when parents are dishonest – even with the best intentions – the impact on the child can be damaging. When a parent is dishonest to their child, it erodes trust in the relationship, and may also distort the child’s moral compass.
“In reality, parents tend to lie to their children or tell half-truths because of their own discomfort about the situation, not the child’s,” says Fiona. “It might be that the parent hasn’t come to a place of acceptance themselves, or they are holding on to hope that there will be a different outcome.”
Chance for self-reflection
Whether you’re using lies with children or adults, before you tell the fib, use it as a chance for reflection. Why are you leaning on a lie in this particular situation? What is it that is so difficult to say? Are you worried that someone will dislike you, or that you’ll be perceived in a way that’s at odds with your self-perception?
Honesty can be an opportunity for genuine self-growth. By avoiding the truth through little white lies, you miss the chance to build resilience, strengthen your integrity, have new learning experiences, and build deeper connections through transparency and openness.
However, honesty doesn’t mean oversharing. For example, children shouldn’t be burdened with adult problems, and their emotional safety should be prioritised over treating them like confidants. Ultimately, open communication based on age-appropriate honesty is key to building strong relationships.
“Focusing on open and honest communication helps couples or families navigate situations where white lies might seem tempting,” says Elle Mace, a positive psychology coach. “When everyone feels heard and valued, there’s less incentive to resort to deception.”
While white lies might seem like the easy way out, there are more effective ways to navigate tricky situations. Try the following strategies to keep your communication honest and respectful...
Be direct
Sometimes, the straightforward approach is best. Instead of a white lie about being busy, be honest: “I’m not feeling well enough to go out tonight.” Explain your limitations kindly, offering an alternative if possible, like rescheduling for another time.
Set boundaries
Learning to say no is crucial. If someone asks you to do something, instead of trying to please them at all costs, set a clear boundary. For example: “I can’t help with that right now, how about next week?” Assertiveness builds trust and stops you from over-committing.
Honesty and positivity
There’s often a way to be truthful without being brutal. Instead of a fake compliment about a questionable outfit, try: “This is a new look for you! How do you feel?” This avoids telling a lie, while still encouraging your friend to express their personal style.
Already told a white lie and dealing with the consequences? It’s time to come clean. “If a white lie has already damaged trust, steps can be taken to repair it and rebuild a foundation of honesty,” says Elle.
Ultimately, while white lies might seem like a quick fix, genuine connection and trust are built on a foundation of honesty. By prioritising open communication, you can navigate difficult situations authentically, creating stronger bonds with the people around you
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