Why are we still so uncomfortable with some women’s ambivalence towards having children?
More than half of women who turned 30 in England and Wales in 2022 do not have children – and that’s a historical record, according to the latest figures from the Office for National Statistics. However, of those women who celebrated their 45th birthdays last year, only one in five were child-free.
This suggests that while the majority of women are having children, we are waiting longer than ever before to begin motherhood.
While there are a variety of reasons underlying these statistics, they correlate with an emergent theme in my clinical work, as a relational transactional analysis counsellor, with millennial and gen-Z women: a paralysing uncertainty about whether they want to become mothers.
Women often carry a deep shame about this ambivalence, which is usually compounded by judgement of their womanhood, and a lack of understanding from others.
What is motherhood ambivalence?
The term ‘ambivalence’ refers to having contradictory feelings or ideas. Part of therapy is about accepting ambivalence, and recognising that it is human and completely normal to feel different things at the same time.
Ambivalence often results in indecision, because we become unsure of which feeling to trust and we get stuck. If our uncertainty is treated as unusual or unnatural, we can easily wind up confused, self-critical, and ashamed.
This is the experience of many women when it comes to ambivalence around motherhood. Despite the increasing conversation around choosing to be child-free, not knowing whether you want to have children remains largely unspoken.
The ‘forever or never’ nature of motherhood, and the biological clock, only serve to increase the sense of panic and pressure that ambivalent women feel.
A better societal understanding of how ambivalence arises, and why it is more commonly felt by women today, can help us view indecision around motherhood as a normal developmental stage in a woman’s life, regardless of her resulting choice.
Can we make sense of motherhood ambivalence?
Human societies have evolved in a way that makes motherhood the central task of women’s lives. There are many complex reasons for this, hailing from evolutionary perspectives, patriarchal, and pronatalist systems.
This social conditioning means that, as we grow up, we often hold the same belief – that to be a woman is to be fulfilled by motherhood. Conversely, we also live in a time where the challenges of motherhood are more openly discussed and portrayed on social media.
While no longer idealising motherhood has highlighted the need for better support for families, it has also left some women wondering if not having children might be more fulfilling. This conflict between historical roles for women, and our modern reality, has created dissonance surrounding what it means to be female, how women want to spend their lives, and whether or not children fit into those plans.
In line with our social history, the majority of women report growing up assuming they will one day have children. However, many also report a later realisation that this is a collusion with the social norm, rather than an authentic and considered choice for themselves.
As they age, many ambivalent women notice that they don’t relate to a stereotypical maternal identity, or feel a biological urge to conceive. Some have difficult relationships with their own mothers, and fear that motherhood will entrap or rob them of their identity. While some women interpret these as signs to remain child-free, others want to have a child, but struggle with feeling differently to how they have been told they should.
Outdated beliefs that women ‘should’ be mothers clash with our political and economic systems, which repeatedly undermine mothers. Childcare costs, inadequate maternity pay, and lack of flexibility upon returning to work, mean that the majority of mothers struggle with feelings of invisibility and inadequacy, as their ability to contribute to the workforce that drives our society is diminished.
It is a type of social gaslighting when women are encouraged to become mothers, only to see their societal value and support systems decrease when they do.
All this considered, ambivalence around motherhood is inevitable and sensical for today’s women. Choosing to be a mother is no longer the predetermined purpose we are led to believe, but a choice that is entangled with sociocultural, historical, and political meaning.
Rather than treating ambivalence as strange and unusual, we need to recognise it as a normal developmental aspect of modern-day womanhood. To do so would be to incite social progress by recognising women as more than their reproductive capacity, while honouring the challenging realities of parenting.
Four tips to accept ambivalence
Challenge the shame around ambivalence.
Having children engineers a total life change, and one that really should be fully considered by everyone entering it. Ambivalence is a profoundly meaningful and compassionate process that questions our own needs, and upholds true respect for what it means to be a parent. Seeing your indecision through this lens of compassion can help reframe ambivalence as useful, and reduce feelings of pressure.
Explore it in therapy.
Sometimes, ambivalence arises because of deeper pain that we feel unable to confront. Unresolved trauma, neglect, and abuse in our own childhood, can often produce defences around becoming a parent. It can be liberating to know that, whether you ultimately choose to have children or not, you fully understand the reasoning behind your decision.
Know that all decisionsinvolve loss.
The nature of choice is that we will lose what we do not choose. If you have a child, you will lose many elements of your lifestyle and sense of self as you currently know it. If you choose not to have children, you will not have an experience that the majority of the population will, and you will belong to a minority group. Of course, for someone people, there is no element of choice at all. Various reasons, including medical conditions, lifestyle restrictions, unexplained infertility, or political rulings, can take the decision out of your hands.
For those able to choose, both involve incredible gains, but it’s often the loss that frightens us, and keeps us stuck. Working toward acceptance that this is inevitable either way, can help us recognise that there is no right or wrong decision.
Regret is an inevitable part of life.
When we hear others claim that they have no regrets, this is often a defence. Our lives are a collection of choices, and there are always alternative paths we could have taken. It is human nature to wonder how things might have turned out differently, but the truth is that we will never know. After long periods of ambivalence, it is likely that your mind will turn to contemplating ‘what if…’ from time to time.
Just as an elderly person might wonder if they ‘should’ have had children, a new mother might long for the life of independence she once had. Accepting the allure of the unchosen path is part of being human, rather than a sign you’ve made the wrong decision.
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