We all vent from time to time, so is complaining always such a bad thing? Delve into the value of letting off some steam, and discover how you can better benefit from complaining constructively

We all love to have a little moan, whether it’s about the weather, that one colleague who never cleans up after themselves, or the ever-increasing cost of the weekly shop. While the idea of ‘complaining’ often has negative connotations, and no one wants to be perceived as being a ‘whiner’, having the chance to talk about what’s frustrating us can feel pretty good in the moment. Really, what’s more cathartic than a good venting session? So, can complaining be good for us, or should we be trying to focus on being more positive with our interactions? Let’s explore the benefits – and the potential pitfalls – of complaining.

Are there benefits to complaining?

While complaining can feel good at the time, and help to release emotions rather than bottling them up, if we let ourselves be negative for too long, or dwell on the issues, we risk getting stuck in a negative feedback loop, making ourselves feel worse, stuck, or powerless. That’s why it’s so important to strike the right balance, helping you to complain more productively and enjoy some of the following benefits:

  • A sense of release. Allowing ourselves to complain can help us to express frustration, anger, or disappointment in a healthy way. In fact, science shows that refusing to acknowledge our feelings can result in lower life satisfaction. Research, in the journal Emotion, found that the more we suppress our feelings, the more likely we are to experience greater depressed mood, fatigue, and low self-esteem, while those who are more emotionally expressive are more likely to feel more acceptance and satisfaction in their relationships with others. 
  • Feeling heard and connected. Venting can give us the chance to air our grievances, connect with others around us, and share our experiences. Knowing we aren’t alone in our frustrations can help us feel more confident about handling them, as well as offering reassurance that we aren’t the only ones who would be irritated in that situation. 
  • A low-stakes way of asking for help. Sometimes, it can be difficult to outright ask for help. You might have difficulty expressing what you are struggling with, or feel stuck over something that feels trivial. Venting can often lead to the opportunity to ask – or be offered – helpful solutions or alternative ideas that may allow you to feel unstuck, and move forward. 
  • New ideas and changes. We might have a complaint about a situation that, no matter how hard we try, we can’t think of a solution. Taking the time to complain can lead to finding a sense of camaraderie from others experiencing the same issue, and may introduce you to new perspectives and ideas. They may have already overcome a similar situation or problem or, together, you may already have the start of a solution. 

What are the downsides of complaining?

While complaining can provide some sense of catharsis and release, dwelling too much on the negative can lead to feeling hopeless or overwhelmed. Excessive complaining can perpetuate a negative bias, where we might start paying more attention to negative experiences or information than positive, as it’s what we come to expect. Over time, this can lead to an overall negative or cynical view of the world around us. 

Another consideration is that when we vent to friends or loved ones occasionally, they might be happy to listen and offer help, but too much can feel overwhelming for them, too. Complaining with purpose can help to avoid this (for example, getting ‘consent’ before you vent, saying if you just need to unload, or specifying if you are looking for solutions). Setting a time limit so you don’t dwell too long can also be helpful. While it’s vital to acknowledge all of our feelings, it’s also important to ensure that we don’t allow ourselves to become wholly negative – for our own good, and for those around us.

So, how can we find the right balance that can help us to express how we are feeling, without allowing ourselves to develop a negative world view?

How to complain more constructively

Consider who, when, and where you are complaining. There is a time and a place for everything – and not everyone is the right person to complain to, or may not be in the right headspace to listen. For example, complaining about your work stress to a friend who’s just lost their job wouldn’t be the most sensitive move. So, trying to put some thought into who you are going to open up to about a particular topic is an important first step, rather than blurting out your grievances to just anyone.

Picking your time carefully is also vital. While your friend might normally be more than happy to listen to you complain, trying to bring something up at the wrong time, or derailing a conversation, can be frustrating for you both. Consider whether there is enough time (and privacy), or if it’s worth asking to catch-up on another occasion, so you can get things off your chest. 

Put your gripes down in writing. Instead of dwelling in the moment, writing things down can give you the space to better think them through when you have more time, energy, or capacity to focus, and approach them with fresh eyes. 

The act of taking things from your brain and putting them on a page in front of you can help them make more sense, too. Rather than abstract ideas, emotions that feel overwhelming, or thoughts popping up demanding your attention, you can determine thoughts from facts more easily when reading them in front of you, as well as trust that you can return to them at an appropriate moment.

Watch for repetition. Do you find you still have the same complaints even after you have tried one or more solutions? Is the same issue cropping up over and over again, or lingering in your mind? It could be a sign that what you think is bothering you isn’t the main issue, and there might be an underlying problem you need to address.

Think about the next steps. Deep dive into your concerns. What is the actual problem you’re complaining about? Why does this bother you? Is it frustrating in the moment, or something that aggravates or inconveniences you more consistently? If it’s something smaller, is there anything actionable or practical you can do to change things for the better yourself (or ask others for help)? For bigger problems, working out how to break it into smaller chunks to tackle could help you feel like you are making progress, without being overwhelmed. 

Of course, not every thing you complain about has a simple solution – or something that you have the power to change. But, even so, understanding the underlying concern, or what is repeatedly grinding your gears, can still be helpful information, and enables you to be aware of situations that might wind you up in future.

Practice gratitude. While expressing ourselves and our frustrations is important, it’s also worthwhile to make time to focus on the good things in our lives. Practising gratitude can help to balance out complaints by giving ourselves time to reflect on the moments, things, and people that have brought us joy. Plus, by consciously opening our eyes to the good things in life, we can have a more objective perspective when annoyances arise, so that the things we might want to complain about don’t irritate us quite so deeply.

Doing what’s right for you

At the end of the day, there shouldn’t be any shame in complaining. While nobody likes to be around negativity all the time, having a bit of a moan can feel both cathartic and empowering. Sometimes it can help us find solutions, work through our problems, and move forward. And, other times, it delivers when all we really want is a moment to acknowledge that a situation, well, sucks, and that how we are feeling is valid.