Practical advice on putting the pieces together and finding a pragmatic solution to situations that cause you anxiety

David* had been signed off work with crippling anxiety. His situation had become so severe he could hardly leave the house to do the weekly shop. To make matters worse, his marriage was suffering as he withdrew from life even further in a desperate attempt to cope. But the truth is that David was not coping at all. He walked into my consulting room with downcast eyes and slumped shoulders, showing clear signs that life’s struggles were overwhelming him.

Understanding why someone is struggling with anxiety is often like trying to solve a puzzle. Everyone is unique. Their individual situations, while often similar, are different, and so there is no one-size-fits-all template to magically make it better. What works is a tried and tested, structured approach to uncover the cause of their anxiety that I’d like to share with you.

In the 1980s, Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrrell developed their ‘human givens theory’, based on extensive work with clients struggling with mental health issues such as crippling anxiety. The theory posits that human beings have nine emotional needs that they need to meet in balance. If they are not able to do so, they may suffer emotional, and often physical, distress. In this case, David was most certainly not getting his emotional needs met. The key was to find what was causing him the problem.

At the centre of solving the anxiety puzzle are the following nine emotional needs:

  • Security. Living in a safe environment which allows us to develop fully.
  • Attention. Giving and receiving the attention we need.
  • Control. Having volition to make our own responsible choices.
  • Community. Feeling part of a welcoming wider community, e.g. clubs, societies, religious or political groups.
  • Intimacy. Knowing that at least one other person accepts us for who we are, ‘warts ‘n’ all’.
  • Privacy. Space to reflect on experiences, and being able to calm ourselves, if necessary, when stressed.
  • Status. Feeling respected by our social groups.
  • Achievement. Having the agency and ability to make things happen for ourselves.
  • Meaning and purpose. Finding meaning and purpose through challenging times.

With this information, we can implement a four-stage approach to resolving anxiety issues.

Step one: Take an emotional needs audit

In business, bad practices can creep in over time. To check that companies are running well, it’s commonplace to have an audit function that checks on its overall health. Similarly, you can audit your own life situation with an ‘emotional needs audit’ (ENA). By scaling a series of questions from one to seven, you can assess how well your emotional needs are being met. For instance, to assess your feeling of security, ask yourself: ‘Do I feel safe in all aspects of my life such as at work and home?’ You might ask, ‘Do I feel emotionally connected to others,’ or ‘Do I feel like my life has direction?’ If you score less than four, identify the areas causing you to feel unsafe and why.

Step two: Identify the root cause

When starting a jigsaw puzzle, a key initial step is to place the four corner pieces, so first, we need to find them. Often a reason for feeling unsafe at work can be due to an overbearing or bullying boss. David scored a lowly two on his security question in his ENA, indicating a problem. Further discussion revealed that his boss often yelled at him across the office in front of his colleagues, undermining his confidence. Once a high-functioning employee, David’s performance declined as his boss’ behaviour eroded his self-esteem. This identified the core issue. We had now put our corner pieces in place.

Step three: Choose a strategy

Identifying the root cause of David’s anxiety as stemming from his relationship with his boss, meant that fixing this could resolve the safety issue. However, when struggling with anxiety it can make navigating out of our situation difficult – it’s like our brain goes offline. In this case, recruiting a second brain by involving a friend, colleague, or professional (like a coach or therapist) to help us brainstorm potential solutions can help. With this input, David identified several options, such as leaving the company and finding another internal role. He even considered taking a sabbatical to travel.

Step four: Take action

David chose to be brave and confronted his boss about his behaviour using the XYZ approach from relationship therapy that I shared with him. He said, “When you shout at me in front of my colleagues (X), it makes me feel embarrassed and humiliated (Y). In future, please ask me to come to your office instead to discuss the matter at hand (Z).” Initially sceptical, David decided to try this approach first, as he liked his job. To his surprise, it worked, and led to a deeper conversation about David’s situation. His boss was mortified that he was the source of his absence from work, apologised, and vowed to change his behaviour. Over the following weeks, David’s anxiety reduced, and his overall wellbeing improved.

Naturally, there are countless causes of anxiety, so having a structured approach to addressing it is important. If you or someone you know is experiencing anxiety, consider using this method to help manage it. It works!

*Name has been changed.