Spot the signs that your inner child might need support, along with essential insight into how to show them they’re safe
Have you ever had a moment in life when it felt like you were ‘throwing a strop like a teenager’? Or ‘balling your eyes out like a baby’? Well… maybe you were. Both of these terms are often used as insults because, largely, the implication is that the behaviour is ‘childish’. However, instead, I would love to start framing it as us being ‘childlike’, because the reality is that it’s a reflection of an internal yearning for that little child in us to be understood. I’ll be honest that I was skeptical when the concept of inner child healing was first introduced to me, and even more skeptical about sharing it with others. But, inner child healing work is now one of the greatest tools I use both personally, and professionally, as a life coach.
We get told as adults that we shouldn’t act like children, but I take a different approach; I think we all could learn a thing or two from children, especially because they haven’t been shamed for their emotions yet, or taught to adapt to make everyone else comfortable, and so they have more access to their feelings. While they might not always be able to accurately communicate, or have the vocabulary to express what they’re feeling, when you feel those sensations and the heightened emotions, I want you to take inspiration from the freedom of children by paying attention to them, instead of pushing them down in the hope that they won’t resurface.
If you have ever felt like a child (in the middle of conflict, for example) the chances are you have regressed into a former version of yourself that felt more powerless, and out of control. This could occur in an argument where you felt like you couldn’t get your words out, or in the office when everyone left for lunch without you and you suddenly felt like the little girl on the playground with no friends. It might even surface when someone sets a boundary with you, and you immediately jump to a fear that they now hate you.
The telltale signs are that your emotions will escalate quickly, your brain will be talking in absolutes and worst-case scenarios, and, most of all, it will remind you of a time in your life when you were younger. To pinpoint this time, ask yourself: what does this feeling remind you of, and, more specifically, what age were you when that happened? Let’s say your answer is seven, what was that seven year old wearing? What did they look like? Where are you picturing them? Are they standing or sitting? Make the picture as vivid as possible, and then ask: ‘What is it they needed or wanted to hear at that moment?’ Go in as the adult you are today, and parent that child like you would any other seven-year-old; validate how they are feeling, give them the love, compassion, and kindness they never got, and if another person was involved, like a teacher yelling at them, stand up for that child.
In some situations, your inner child will feel safer to leave the location, and in others, the inner child will feel more comforted by being defended. Follow your intuition, and then return to your inner child and give them the time and space to express all they needed to at the time. Following this technique helps your inner child realise that you are no longer that child, and while you were unable to protect yourself when you were younger, you are able to protect yourself now as an adult. Part of what you need that inner child to experience is the safety you now have as an adult, so telling them ‘You are safe now, I am here to support you, and I have your back,’ or, if you are a visual person and are picturing your inner child in a place that didn’t make them very happy, like at school, you can ask them if they would prefer to go somewhere else that makes them happy. My inner child is always happiest at a beach!
There are many claims as to why inner child work has such an impact, from the idea that our unconscious mind stops growing after the age of seven, to the concept that if a problem has gone unresolved, then we tend to attract similar situations to give us the opportunity to revisit similar emotions with the hope of a different outcome. Regardless of why, once you try it, you likely won’t stop, because the impact it has on your life is undeniable – after all, we all have an inner child living within us.
One of the greatest outcomes of inner child work is recognising that while the adults in your life growing up might not have been there for you in the way you needed, you can be that adult for yourself now, and being able to take that control back into your own hands is incredibly empowering!
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