Does it feel like you’re just treading water in life? Michelle Elman explores what it really means to live with your life not fully mapped out, and how to find freedom in ditching the plan
Have you ever had a point in your life where you felt lost? Or maybe you felt stuck, craving change, without knowing where to begin. I’m in that phase right now, and, being frank, it sucks.
Having been a life coach for more than a decade, by nature, and by trade, I sit very comfortably when I know the answers, and, as an ambitious person, I always have a plan in life. I’m confident in the direction I’m going in, the goals I’m setting, and my drive to pursue to no end. But, how can you pursue something when you don’t know what’s next?
Shortly after publishing my fifth book in May, I started questioning my career. I was already writing my next project, which was about heartbreak, but I no longer felt like I wanted to publish it. It would be an amazing next step in my career, but it felt like it was dragging my healing backwards. Then, I started to question my podcast, and whether it was bringing me the joy it once did. And, bit by bit, I started to question every part of my career.
Wary of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, I decided to take the summer to allow myself to pause with one very simple rule: no big decisions. I could pause my podcast, and stop writing, but no hitting delete on the 50,000 words I had already put on the page, or making a sudden move halfway across the world – not just yet, at least.
The truth is, we have all hit these inflection points in life where we change, and what we want starts to change with us, too. When we start questioning where we are, it brings up uncertainty and confusion, and if, like me, you aren’t very good with these emotions, it can be tempting to let it lead you into a big old meltdown spiral. This is why it’s so important to look at these moments logically and rationally.
Nothing is going to collapse by you continuing to plod along, and doing just enough to keep your job and your life afloat. Buy yourself as much time as you can to let the dust settle, and start talking to as many people as possible. If this uncertainty arises within your career, start asking around and listening to other people’s paths and trajectories of how they got to where they are. Absorb stories of people who have made mid-life shifts, and cling on to the tales of hope and optimism.
What I realised in the last few months of not having any answers, is it’s given me more opportunity and freedom to be open to the potential of something new happening. I’m paying attention to how endless the possibilities are, and walking into the unknown with the emotion of curiosity.
You don’t need to know the answers in life, but, to ground yourself, what you can do is write a list of everything you do know right now. I did this myself on one of the days when my brain wanted to exaggerate the confusion into ‘everything is wrong in my life’. The list reminded me that what I’m questioning isn’t everything, but simply a few things. I also wrote a list of everything I knew that I didn’t want. Ruling out options helps the endlessness feel more manageable.
I truly believe that curiosity is one of the most crucial emotions in these moments, because it means you engage with the world in a totally different way. Instead of seeing the uncertainty as a threat and feeling doomed to a miserable future, you see it morph into an opportunity for an exciting new shift.
Unfortunately, change rarely happens in our comfort zone, so the uncomfortable feelings you’re experiencing are part of the drive to figure it out. Ultimately, the people who typically worry most about not knowing all the answers, or feeling like they’re lacking direction in life, are those who are naturally ambitious and motivated. So it’s not necessarily a sign that you’re failing to feel like this, rather that you seek fulfillment and self-development, which is something that you should be proud of.
In the in-between of it all, it’s important to take a moment to look back, enjoy your accomplishments, and acknowledge all you’ve achieved to get yourself to where you are today. Even if that place isn’t fulfilling anymore, taking stock of your accomplishments thus far allows you to recognise that having a moment to pause, and giving yourself some time to explore, could land you in positions you would have never expected.
For me, it gave me a summer to maximise family time, and indulge in travel more than I have in the past, and, as a result, I’ve learned to detach my self-worth from the productivity trap of destination addiction, and always knowing what’s next. Sometimes, it’s OK to not know. Sometimes it’s OK to just exist, and not always be moving on to the next shiny new thing!
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