Is it love or limerence? Understanding the difference

When does an innocent crush become a destructive obsession?

It’s the big, life-changing, indescribable feeling – and it’s fair to say there’s a whole lot of myths surrounding love. Perhaps due to the fact that it’s so hard to put into words, and also that it can be such a uniquely individual experience and feeling, sometimes, we may not always be sure of precisely what’s going on in our hearts and minds.

Is it love or is it limerence? It may be a question you’ve asked yourself at some point, or one you’ve wondered about a friend who has fallen head over heels for someone they’ve only just met. The difference is key, and being able to make the distinction could both save a lot of hurt, and open up a new window into self-understanding.

You may be familiar with the idea of a ‘hopeless romantic’, but limerence is far more destructive than that. It describes the experience of having a longing, or sometimes an obsession, with another person, usually without the feelings being reciprocated. It’s different from lust in that it is often much more than a physical attraction, with the individual putting the object of their affection on a pedestal and overestimating their positive characteristics – but it’s also different from love as it is mostly constructed via fantasy and longing, rather than on genuine connection and real attributes.

In 1979, in her book Love and Limerence, psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term after conducting interviews with more than 300 participants. Tennov did not believe that limerence was a pathological condition, and felt that it was an experience healthy individuals could go through, and then return to normal.

However, in 2008, psychologists Albert H Wakin and Duyen B Vo returned to Tennov’s research, and proposed parallels between limerence and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), as well as substance use disorder – though maintained that limerence was a separate condition. More recently, there has been some debate around this position, with some experts arguing that, as limerence can interfere with our day-to-day lives, it should be considered a psychiatric condition, and added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

On the online forum platform Reddit, the subreddit r/limerence is a space for those who experience limerence to come together for support and information. Often sharing their experiences with the ‘LO’ (an abbreviation for ‘limerent object’ – the person they are infatuated with), many lament the lack of formal recognition, as limerence has a devastating effect on their relationships, health, and wellbeing.

Dorothy Tennov proposed that limerent episodes may only happen once in a person’s lifetime, with the average episode lasting between 18 months and three years. These periods can be accompanied by other mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression.

Andrea Tibbitts is a specialist relationship therapist, and she recognises just how destructive limerence can be.

“Limerence is painful. In the midst of it, you are a prisoner to your longing,” she explains.

“Characterised by a high level of anxiety and intense infatuation, your crush is crushing you. It is a desperation to be with another person. You have an insatiable obsession to pursue them because they are your ‘ideal’. Being constantly consumed by thoughts of them, you are captive to your fantasies. You have this ache on the inside to just be with them, that you ‘need’ the object of your limerence to complete you. It is as if this is the one person that you need to survive, ‘the one’ you have been waiting for, before you even know them…”

Andrea goes on to explain how the drive to ‘have’ the OL is so strong that healthy functioning can be affected, and the individual can go on to make reckless decisions, as well as neglecting their needs.

There is also some speculation that limerence is related to attachment disorders, specifically in those who have negative experiences with caregivers in early childhood, and who also perhaps experience separation anxiety. Considering the possibility of this link, the pain of limerence is clear to see.

“Real love can also, of course, be heady,” explains Andrea. “However, love is based on connecting with someone in a real and meaningful way, and not just our perfect projection from a distance of who we need them to be. Love carries a curiosity to get to know the other person, to explore their world, so that the two of you can be on the journey together, without you sabotaging or losing yourself.”

So, how can a limerent move forward?

Breaking free and finding real love

“We know that love and fear are opposites,” says Andrea. “Fear never makes a good leader for us in relationships, so the more love we can feel in the rest of our lives, the more secure and stable we will be in romance.

“Create a base of healthy friendships, so that your love tank can be well filled. You are more at risk of limerence and emotional pain if you go into a relationship running on empty. Identify where your vulnerabilities are. Seek to be proactive in creating strategies to protect yourself, and build yourself up in those places. We all have fears, but if we take care of them they do not get into the driving seat. Focus on how you can meet your own needs, before looking to a partner to meet them all for you.”

Above all, Andrea advises being good to yourself, explaining that the kinder and more compassionate you are to yourself, the more your nervous system will experience psychological safety – meaning it will then be less likely to be triggered.

“Kindness and respect pave the way for love,” she continues. “Be intentional about leading with those in all your interactions. Then you will be better attuned to when you are encountering the opposite.

“Develop your emotional language and self-regulation, so that when that right relationship comes you are already prepared. Practise taking responsibility for yourself by using ‘I’ statements, and expressing what you think or feel. You will show up as the best version of yourself, and your future partner will thank you for it!”

Limerence can be a deeply unsettling experience, but what is clear to see is that it typically has layers, and often a history. If this is something you have experienced or are currently experiencing, go easy on yourself, and be comforted by knowing you are not alone. But recognise that there is support out there for limerants – be that online communities who ‘get it’, or mental health professionals – and, with time, you will figure out how to move forward.