Our relationships with our families – and with our siblings – can be complex things. Whether there has been a specific issue that has caused conflict or you feel like you have grown apart over time, could therapy be the answer?

Our families are with us in some way or another for much of our lives. Whether that family is blood relatives, through adoption, or fostering, our families are often there through the highs and the lows. Over time, just as we change, so too can our family dynamics.

According to one 2021 study, 51% of adults still argue and compete with their brothers and sisters. A poll of 2,000 adults with at least one sibling found that over half still have a competitive relationship with their siblings, with over one in four (26%) competing over career goals, and one in five (22%) over home ownership. A further 20% argue with their siblings over who is their parents ‘favourite’.

Tension between siblings doesn’t just happen – or get left behind – during childhood. Childhood rivalries can continue to grow as you get older. Old resentments, if not addressed, and continue to fester. And even as adults, if one sibling feels like they are getting less support than another – be that financial help, assistance with childcare, or being more readily available to talk when you need it the most – things can continue to get worse over time.

We ask: What kinds of conflict can lead to damaging your relationship with your siblings, and what can you do to fix sibling bonds?

What is an example of sibling conflict?

Many different areas of conflict can arise between siblings at all different stages of life. You may find that you have always had conflict with your sibling and it has continued on into adulthood, or you may find that strong sibling bonds have faded over time and turned into frustration or resentment. Some issues that can cause sibling conflict can include:

  • Caring for elderly or aging family members (if one sibling feels like they are dispreportionatly having to take on caring responsibilities).
  • Seeking suppork with younger family members (if one sibling feels another may be taking advantage of how much support parents are giving, or feels pressured to help care for nieces and nephews).
  • Feelings of jealousy, envy, or regret (over career paths, life choices, or progression towards life goals).
  • Unresolved feelings from childhood (feeling that there was favouritsm, competition for attention, comparing achievements or behaviour).
  • Differing life choices, experiences, or beliefs.
  • Big life events (births, marriages, deaths, or illnesses).

We all recognise that those who raise us – often our parents – have a huge impact in our lives, how we see the world around us and how we handle issues that might arise. But we forget that our siblings can have a huge impact, too. Whatever the cause of conflict and tension, acknowledging that there may be an issue, and finding ways to talk things through in a safe environment where everyone can feel happy and able to open up can be key. But how can we do that if our relationships are feeling strained or even at the point of breaking, before it’s too late? And is cutting contact ever the ‘right’ answer?

Is there therapy for siblings? Sibling and family therapy

Sibling therapy is a kind of therapy offered by some therapists. Sometimes offered individually, in a similar way to couples therapy or as a form of family therapy, sibling therapy provides a safe, neutural, structured environment to open up, explore, and work towards resolving relationship issues between siblings.

Sometimes, the issues causing conflict and upset may only be evident to one of you. For example, what one sibling sees as playful teasing, another might feel is genuinly putting them down or making light of their accomplishments. Where one sibling finds the pressure of looking after ailing parents is growing too much for them to handle and resentment is growing, the other may not realise the extent of time, effort, and emotional labour that is being put in.

For others, differing views on the same situation may lead you to feeling like you are stuck or at an impass. Speaking with a neutral party such as a counsellor or therapist can offer the space to open up, talk freely, and explore these past situations and currency feelings to help you to understand each other better, to feel closer to one another, and to find new techniques to better communicate and deal with issues moving forward.

While individual therapy may focus on your own experiences and emotions, family or sibling therapy can help you to identify events that have led to the current situation where help is needed. A therapist might help you to map out together where you feel that problems might be, helping you to both see how these have developed over time, and giving the opportunity to talk things through and better understand things from another perspective.

Going to therapy with a sibling can also offer the opportunity to redefine your relationship together. How we see ourselves is often different from how others see us; having the opportunity to talk about our relationships with our siblings and how they make us feel can help lead to greater awareness, understand, and insight – into both ourselves, and others.

How do you fix damaged sibling relationships?

Wanting to improve your relationship with your siblings can take time. There are a number of different things you can try to help improve your relationship, by focusing both on your communication together, as well as on how you view yourself in relation to your sibling. It can be helpful to:

Avoid the comparison game: A little sibling rivalry can be healthy. According to one poll, 25% of us believe competition is a healthy aspect of our sibling relationships, while nearly two in ten believe it helps us achieve more in life. However, when we start comparing ourselves to our siblings all the time, it can cause feelings of hurt and resentment. Their success doesn’t mean you are a failure.

Be open and honest: We shouldn’t expect anyone to be mindreaders. When we are upset, to us, it can be so obvious – how could someone possibly miss it? Yet to your sibling, with their own worries about work, or family, or friends, they may not see the signs. By talking about how we are feeling – positive or negative – we can help to create an honest, open dialogue, where we feel more able to communicate and connect.

Share the spotlight: Nobody likes a one-way conversation. If you find the conversation tends to swing towards only focusing on the success, trouble, or experiences of your sibling, try offering more information about yourself in return. Sometimes when we are particularly excited or low, we can forget we aren’t (or shouldn’t) be the only focus of the conversation.

Consider therapy: Sometimes, issues can be too much for us to handle on our own. Talking them though with a loved one can be really helpful, but sometimes, it can feel like they may be too close to the issue, or you may worry that you might upset them. Speaking with a professional can help you to open up about your feelings in a safe, judgement-free environment. Counselling Directory explains more about how family counselling works.

Rebuilding sibling relationships can be challenging – but it’s often a challenge worth taking. By opening up, sharing the spotlight, and maybe even seeking some professional guidance, you can work toward a healthier, more supportive bond. Whether you’re navigating old rivalries or new challenges, remember: it’s never too late to start opening up, talking, and mending fences. With time, effort, and al ot of patience, you can begin to better understand each other and move towards a healthier dynamic that works for both of you.