How do you fix a damaged sibling relationship?

Our relationships with our families – and with our siblings – can be complex things. Whether there has been a specific issue that has caused conflict, or you've simply grown apart over time, how can we reconnect with our kin or repair our bonds?

While the meaning of family can take different forms for each of us – from blood relatives and adoptive family, to the people who raise you, or chosen friends and family – the people we grow up with are often there through some of our most formative years. And over time, just as we change, so too can our family dynamics – for better or worse.

Despite potentially growing up in similar environments, at times, our experiences and memories with siblings can vary drastically. One may look back with nostalgia, and recall fun, cherished memories. Another might have always felt like the odd one out, overlooked and unappreciated. Others might vividly remember their sibling as the golden child, while they felt the burden of responsibility. Bonds with guardians or parents might completely transform their perceptions looking back. It might have been a childhood shielding others from difficult circumstances at home, or one where you were pitted against each other. The end result is that our unique experience can colour the way we view our siblings, and interact with them, in later life.

According to one 2021 survey, 51% of adults still argue and compete with their brothers and sisters. The poll of 2,000 adults with at least one sibling, conducted by OnePoll and commissioned by NOW, found that more than half still have a competitive relationship with their siblings, with more than one in four (26%) competing over career goals, and one in five (22%) over home ownership. A further 20% still argue with their siblings over who is their parents’ ‘favourite’.

Evidently, tension between siblings doesn’t just happen – or get left behind – during childhood. Rivalries can continue to grow, and past resentments, if not addressed, can continue to fester. Even as adults, if one sibling feels like they are getting less support than another – be that financial, practical, or emotional help – the bond and communication can continue to worsen.

What can cause sibling conflict?

The types of conflict that can arise between siblings may vary at different stages of life. You might find that you have always had conflict with your sibling, and it has continued on into adulthood, or perhaps strong sibling bonds have faded over time and turned into frustration or resentment. Some prevalent issues that can cause sibling conflict include...

• Caring for elderly or aging family members. This can be particularly difficult if one sibling feels like they are disproportionately taking on responsibilities.

• Seeking more familial support. One sibling may feel another is taking advantage of how much support relatives are giving, or feels pressured to help pitch in too much. Equally, if extensive support is expected, but doesn’t feel appreciated.

• Feelings of jealousy, envy, or regret. This could be over career paths, life choices, or progression towards life goals, as you might sense a more direct comparison between you.

• Unresolved feelings from childhood. Sensing that there was favoritism, competition for attention, comparing achievements or behaviour, or particularly traumatic incidents.

• Differing life choices, experiences, or beliefs. Often family can be more vocal or feel entitled to share opinions on these elements, whether it’s asked for or not.

• Big life events. Moments like births, marriages, deaths, or illnesses can create tension due to choices that are made and differing approaches.

Whatever the cause of conflict and tension, acknowledging that there may be an issue, and finding ways to talk things through in a safe environment, where everyone can feel comfortable, and able to open up, can be key. But how can we do that if our relationships are feeling strained, or even at the point of breaking, before it’s too late? And is cutting off contact ever the ‘right’ answer?

How do you fix damaged sibling relationships?

Sometimes, the issues causing conflict may only be evident to one of you. What one sibling sees as playful teasing, another might feel is making light of their accomplishments. Where one sibling feels overwhelmed with the responsibility of looking after ailing parents and resentment is growing, the other may not realise the extent of their time, effort, and emotional labour. For others, differing views on a situation may lead you to feeling like you are stuck or at an impasse.

There are a number of things you can try to improve your relationship, by focusing both on your communication, as well as on how you view yourself in relation to your sibling. It can be helpful to:

• Avoid the comparison game. The aforementioned survey by OnePoll highlighted that 25% of us believe competition is a healthy aspect of our sibling relationships, and nearly two in 10 believe it helps us achieve more in life. However, when we start comparing ourselves to our siblings all the time, it can cause feelings of hurt and resentment. Their success doesn’t take away from your own, or mean you are a failure.

• Take blame out of the equation. To clear the air will require accountability from all sides. For your part, acknowledge and authentically apologise for any hurt caused, and genuinely listen to their feelings and experience. And when sharing your perspective, focus on how things made you feel rather than accusatory statements, which might prompt them to grow defensive.

• Consider their perspective. We’re all unique – and, naturally, how your sibling sees situations, or what might be impacting their response, could be coloured by external factors. Take a moment to think about what else is happening for them (from financial stress to dealing with grief), as it might help you to better understand their behaviour and responses to you.

• Set healthy boundaries. You all will need to gain clarity on where things have crossed the line in the past, and how to respect and reinforce this with each other in future.

• Be open and honest. We shouldn’t expect anyone to be a mindreader. While your upset can feel so obvious to you, your sibling, with their own worries and concerns, may not see the signs. By talking about how we are truly feeling – positive or negative – we can create an honest, open dialogue, where we feel more able to communicate and connect.

• Share the spotlight. Nobody likes a one-way conversation. If you find discussions tend to swing towards only focusing on the success, trouble, or experiences of your sibling, try offering more information about yourself in return. This isn’t necessarily intentional on their part; sometimes, when we are particularly excited or low, we can forget we aren’t (or shouldn’t be) the only focus of the conversation.

• Explore sibling therapy. Speaking with a neutral party, such as a counsellor or therapist, can offer the space to open up, talk freely, and explore these situations and feelings safely. This may enable you both to see how the issues have developed over time, and to understand each other’s perspectives better, along with finding new techniques to communicate and deal with issues moving forward.

• Be patient. The relationship between you didn’t fall apart overnight, so it’s natural that trust, and your connection, will take time to rebuild, too. It can be a conscious effort to check in, spend quality time together, communicate clearly, and respect each other’s boundaries, not just in one session of airing things out, but over months, or even years.

Rebuilding sibling relationships can be challenging – but, for some, it can be one worth taking. By opening up, sharing the spotlight, and maybe even seeking some professional guidance, you can work toward a healthier, more supportive bond. Whether you’re navigating old rivalries or new challenges, remember: it’s never too late to start opening up, and mending fences. With time, effort, and a lot of patience, you can begin to better understand each other, and create a healthier dynamic that works for both of you.