How do you deal with school refusal?

With more and more pupils feeling anxious about school, how can we, as parents, support our kids in getting back into the classroom while still ensuring that they feel safe and heard? We share more about school refusal, why it happens, and what you can do to help

School refusal is on the rise. According to a 2024 survey, nearly a third (28%) of UK secondary pupils avoid school due to anxiety. Studies have noted a rise in school absences since the pandemic, with the number of students across both primary and secondary schools in England higher than they were previously. With parents now worried about higher fines and penalties introduced in 2024 for parents of children with unauthorised absences from school, it’s no wonder that school refusal is a stressful and often touchy subject for pupils and parents alike.

What is school refusal?

School refusal isn’t about children being ‘stubborn’ – it’s a form of anxiety. Also known as emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA), school refusal refers to a child or teen being unable to go to school due to intense feelings of anxiety, distress, or fear. 

While the reasons behind why your child or teen finds attending school tough can vary from person to person, some common anxieties can cause school refusal. Some can seem to happen suddenly, while others may build more gradually over time. Causes of school refusal can include:

• feeling social or academic pressure at school
• struggling to maintain positive relationships with classmates or teachers (e.g. bullying)
• feeling unsafe at school or home
• finding the environment to be overwhelming due to sensory needs

This new school-based anxiety or fear can happen at any age, though it can be more common amongst children with additional or special educational needs (SEN). They may start to become more aggressive, refuse to leave home, show signs of separation anxiety, seem more anxious, afraid, or stressed than usual.

Some children might exhibit physical symptoms of stress or anxiety, or may feel too anxious, overwhelmed, or scared to say why they can’t face school. Seeing your child feel so anxious can be tough, but knowing how you can help them? That can feel even tougher.

What are the signs you should look out for, and how can you help support your child if they refuse to go to school?

Signs of school refusal to look out for 

While some signs may be more obvious than others, there can be other behaviours that can indicate just how anxious your child or teen is feeling about going to school. These can include:

• not wanting to get up, get ready, or go to school
• seeming particularly emotional, anxious, or reluctant when getting ready for school or during their commute
• complaining of physical symptoms such as feeling sick, having a tummy ache, or having a headache
• having trouble sleeping or falling asleep
• seeming more withdrawn or angry than usual
• school performance worsening, or not completing homework or schoolwork
• skipping school without telling anyone

How you can help a young person with school refusal

Find out what’s going on

Knowing what is making them feel anxious about school is key to helping fix the issue. Helping them to identify what is worrying them is often the first step, as they may be unsure of what is making them feel so anxious – or may be reluctant to share their worries, out of fear of upsetting anyone. Once you know what the problem is, you’ll be in a better position to start helping.

Talk together to find out what might help: at home

Asking your child or teen to be involved in the process of figuring out how to best support them can help them regain a sense of control. It can also help them to feel like their anxiety, fear and worries are being heard and taken seriously. Coming up with ideas together can help you to both think about the situation more fully, and to find solutions that can help them, and that you can support them with.

Creating a morning routine together can help to give a sense of structure and provide the reassurance of knowing what to expect and in what order. This can help create a sense of security and familiarity, and can reduce your stress in the mornings, too. 

Talk together to find out what might help: at school

There are some things that might be helpful for you to talk through and plan for them to try at school. For example, if they’re finding getting to or arriving at school is making them feel anxious because of how crowded or hectic it is, they might find it helps to be allowed to arrive five or 10 minutes earlier and to help their teacher get things set up. This could allow them to both avoid the rush and to give them something else calming that they can focus on.

If they are finding something overwhelming or confusing, having written instructions instead of verbal ones may be helpful, as they won’t need to try and memorise what comes next. For younger children, having visual representations of timetables can help.

Having a peer buddy or mentor, or a member of staff they can talk to if they are feeling anxious or uncomfortable throughout the day, can be a help for some young people. Or knowing that there is a quiet, safe space, like a school wellbeing room that they can drop in to, can also help.

If they are struggling to make friends or are feeling isolated, find out what school clubs and activities are available during lunchtime, breaks, or after school. Having extra structure, the opportunity to focus on something they enjoy, and a new way to interact with peers who share similar interests can be reassuring and give them something to focus on or look forward to.

Speak with their school

Once you have a good idea of what is going on and what is worrying them, working together at home and with their school can be a positive next step. This can help open up the conversation and let the right people know that extra help and support may be needed, or that specific changes could make a big impact. Meeting with their teacher, tutor group teacher, or special educational needs coordinator can help to get things started.

Taking notes with you can help you to feel more prepared and can help avoid missing any key areas you want to bring up. This can also be a great opportunity to ask if the school have noticed any situations, incidents, or changes, and to find out if anything is already being done to support them. It’s OK not to have the answers or to be unsure of where to start. You can always ask the school what support is available and what changes they may be able to help with to offer support.

If their school is able to offer changes to help support them, asking for an individual education plan (IEP) is one option that could help. This would formalise the changes and would provide a plan that the school can use to make sure that your child is getting consistent adjustments across all of their lessons with different teachers.

Give it time

Once you have agreed on any changes with your child or their school, give things time to see how they improve. Anxiety can take time to build for some children, so taking time to combat it can be natural.

Let them get used to the new routine or changes, then check in with both your child and the school again to see if things have improved. If not, see what other adjustments can be made, or if there are any areas that aren’t as helpful as first anticipated, and find out what other alternatives could be tried. If you have trouble with the person you are speaking with at school, ask who else you can work with, like their head of year or deputy head.

Encourage relaxation

Taking time to relax, unwind, and focus on things other than school can be important, too. This can help them to refocus their attention away from their anxiety and to focus on feeling calm, more centred, and able to recharge. Spending time with friends or family, practising mindfulness, going for a walk or playing outside, or taking part in a favourite hobby can all help them to relax and reduce stress. Encouraging relaxation can also help them to feel like some of the pressure has been taken off their shoulders.

Celebrate and recognise small improvements and achievements

Change takes time. Acknowledging process – big or small – can help them to stay motivated, to feel like they are making real changes, and to feel like they can keep making progress towards tackling their anxiety. 

Reach out to your own support network

School refusal doesn’t just affect your child – it affects you, too. You may be feeling more stressed, worried, anxious, or frustrated about the situation. Knowing your child’s anxiety isn’t their fault doesn’t stop you from still feeling overwhelmed at times.

Reaching out to family and friends can help you to feel supported and like there is someone you can speak with and rely on when things feel particularly tough. It can also be helpful for your child to have other people they can turn to for support when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Consider speaking with your GP

As well as letting their school know what’s going on, speaking with your GP or CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services) can be a big help. This can help you to document their anxiety, as well as to find out if there are any local resources or options for support. Having a note from your GP or mental health professional can help you to show the school that this should be an authorised absence due to their mental health.

While ensuring that absences are authorised may feel like a low priority, having this ready can help to alleviate your own worries about potential fines and prosecution. This can also help show that you are proactively seeking support and are trying to help your child with their school-related anxiety.

Working with a therapist

If you're worried that anxiety is affecting your child, working with a therapist for childhood anxiety can be a big help. Therapy can offer the space to identify, explore, and share what is making them feel anxious, as well as help them to work through their thoughts and feelings in a safe, judgement-free environment.

Different kinds of therapy can help children with anxiety. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a kind of talking therapy focused on thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and how they are all connected. A therapist specialising in CBT can help young people to break their worries into smaller, more manageable parts, helping them to challenge unhelpful thoughts and behaviours, and to manage their anxiety. Play therapy can be particularly helpful for children to find different ways of expressing their thoughts and feelings, as well as to help them understand and process experiences that may be causing them anxiety.

You’re not alone in navigating school refusal – and neither is your child. Remember, supporting a child through school refusal is a journey, not a quick fix. With patience, open communication, and teamwork between home, school, and professionals, you can help your child feel heard, safe, and understood. By listening, collaborating with your child and their school, and seeking professional support where needed, you’re giving them the best possible chance to feel safe, understood, and ready to learn again.

Most importantly, remind yourself that patience, empathy, and consistency make a powerful difference – and that reaching out for help is a strength, not a weakness. With time and support, your child can rebuild their confidence and begin to thrive in the classroom once more.