Do you feel like you're living in someone’s shadow? Here's what to do about it

Find your own place in the spotlight with these five tips

No matter what you do, they seem to do it better. Whether it’s a sibling who has always outshone your achievements, or an equally talented colleague who seems to get all the praise while you get next to none, living in someone else’s shadow can be an incredibly painful experience.

Left unchecked, it feeds into feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It can even contribute to feelings of resentment, frustration, and hopelessness. You might ask yourself: “What’s the point in even trying when they always outshine me?”

Counsellor Georgina Sturmer says it’s a natural instinct to compare ourselves with those closest to us. On the one hand, it’s how we learn, grow, celebrate success, and share experiences with each other. On the other, it’s how we measure our perceived shortcomings. And one person can become our yardstick for success.

When you measure your achievements against theirs and fall short, it can be the catalyst for feelings of ‘not enoughness’. And the more you watch them succeed, the more you feel like a failure.

If you aren’t careful, living in someone else’s shadow can slowly erode your confidence, self-image, and self-worth. So, how do you handle it?

Notice your triggers

Ask yourself this: when do you feel most triggered by this person? Is it when they’re working the room at a social event, or getting plenty of praise and acclaim from those around them?

Make a note of your triggers. This will allow you to notice patterns, and it paves the way for self-reflection.

With these insights, Georgina says you’ll be able to plan how to protect yourself and work out in advance what you need to do or say to feel ‘enough’.

Get curious

Now it’s time to dig a little deeper. You’ll want to ask yourself some pointed questions about why this person makes you feel inferior.

Maybe you’ve always felt your social skills are lacking, but this person is the life and soul of the party. Perhaps you’re annoyed they’re getting all the praise at work, because – if you’re being totally honest – you’re worried your own work isn’t up to scratch.

Generally speaking, Georgina says, these people trigger us because they shine a light on our own perceived failures or lack of achievement. Using a journal to document your thoughts throughout this process can be beneficial.

Humanise them

Often, when we feel overshadowed, we put other people on a pedestal. Georgina says it can be helpful to remember that we all have insecurities and experience struggles and challenges – even the person who seems to outshine you.

“You never know, perhaps this person has a fear of failure, or gets trapped in a cycle of perfectionism, too,” she points out.

Remembering that this person also has insecurities and imperfections, and may well have felt overshadowed at some point in their life, does two things.

First, it can remove the stigma and embarrassment that often comes with this kind of comparison, because you’re able to see that many people – even the ones we idolise – sometimes feel overlooked.

Second, it fosters empathy and compassion, because you’re able to see this person as someone who is simply doing their best, just as you are.

Celebrate your own successes

“We all have the capacity to be proactive in building our own self-esteem,” says Georgina, “so think about how you can remind yourself of what you have achieved, even if it feels as if other people might overlook those achievements.”

You might like to make a list and refer to it when you’re feeling low. And for an extra boost, consider celebrating successes outside of the areas where your friend typically succeeds.

If they often outshine you at work, you could make a conscious effort to note your accomplishments at the gym, for example.

Find other outlets

Georgina says if we’re constantly experiencing an unfavourable comparison – whether that comparison is inside our own heads or from those around us – it’s likely to impact on our confidence.

That’s why finding a way to differentiate yourself from this person is key. It could mean taking up a new hobby that you know you’ll excel at, or asking to spearhead a project at work that plays to your strengths instead of theirs.

This process allows you to rebuild your self-esteem. By finding new outlets that you enjoy, you can step out of their shadow and find your own way to shine.