Counsellor Bea Appleby explains how to use ‘let them’ theory

The two simple, yet powerful, words changing lives, and how to implement them successfully in yours

As a therapist, I often sit with people trying to make sense of relationships, and one of the recurring struggles is the urge to ‘fix’, to manage others’ moods, choices, and even their perceptions of us. In recent months, I’ve noticed a particular phrase emerging in conversations that resonates with clients in a profound way: “Let them.”

Popularised by motivational speaker Mel Robbins, this simple two-word mantra has become a social media phenomenon. The theory is a mindset shift focused on accepting that you can’t control others’ actions, and instead to focus on your own reactions and boundaries. It’s about letting go of the burden of trying to manage others, leading to more emotional peace, and potentially better relationships. Instead of wasting time and energy trying to stop someone from making a choice you disagree with, let them. In doing so, you allow them to reveal their true self, and allow yourself to see what happens when you let go.

If someone in your life chooses to behave in ways that feel hurtful, distant, or dismissive – let them. If they want to leave, let them. If they don’t invite you, let them. Not in anger, not with finality, but with clarity and care for your own wellbeing.

At first glance, ‘let them’ might sound harsh or detached, but beneath its surface lies an invitation to release the exhausting habit of trying to manage others’ choices, feelings, or perceptions of us.

However, Mel Robbins warns that ‘let them’ is not a universal solution, and there are boundaries to when and how it should be applied. If someone is doing something dangerous, abusive, or discriminatory, don’t let them.

‘Let them’ doesn’t stop there though, and must be followed by ‘let me’, according to Mel, which she says helps us avoid inaction. This means that when we accept what we can’t control, we must also accept what we can control, and that element is the key to feeling our own agency. If your boss overlooks your work, you can still ask for recognition or consider whether you’re in the right job.

In all of this, reflection is central to the theory; observing how others treat you and using that as information about the kind of relationship that’s unfolding. Notice what happens when you let go a little, or implement new boundaries, and see how that impacts your sense of self-respect and wellbeing. For many, the permission offered by ‘let them’ has been life changing.

Perhaps that’s why the phrase has taken on such symbolic weight for countless people, and across social media there are photographs of individuals who have had these two words tattooed on to their bodies as an important personal declaration – that you can retain control over your own reactions and responses.

As simple and empowering as ‘let them’ sounds, it’s not always easy to practise, especially for people-pleasers. For those who’ve learned to keep the peace, anticipate others’ needs, or rely on external approval, letting others make their own choices can feel deeply uncomfortable, even risky.

Choosing to let someone be distant, dismissive, or disapproving, without rushing in to fix it, can bring up anxiety, guilt, and grief. It may stir questions like: ‘What if they leave? What if they think I don’t care?’ These reactions are not signs of failure, but indicators of just how deeply ingrained our survival strategies to please or rescue others can be.

As with any widely shared advice, ‘let them’ has its limitations. Letting go is a skill, but it’s not always the appropriate response. Sometimes, relationships do require effort, communication, and repair. But what I appreciate most about this mindset is that it encourages reflection before reaction. It gives us permission to pause and consider: what am I responsible for in this relationship? What happens if I let go?

The more we practise this, the more we reinforce a simple but life-changing truth: we don’t need to hold everything together, and we certainly don’t need to lose ourselves in our efforts to try to keep others close.