Maintaining friendships as an adult isn’t always easy, but low maintenance friendships could be the answer to helping us stay connected

As we get older, it can become more and more difficult to stay in touch with the people that once mattered most. While social media and modern technology can give us new ways to catch up with old friends and check in, it’s easy to get caught up in our responsibilities and day-to-day lives, meaning our friendships can sometimes fall to the side.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t still value our friends. We just don’t always have the time that we once did. Or our energy can be pulled in more directions. And, of course, as an adult, you sometimes have to focus on what you have to do, rather than what you want to do. So, could low maintenance friendships be the answer to helping us stay connected without guilt or pressure?

Low v high maintenance friendships: what’s the difference?

A low maintenance friendship generally refers to a relationship where you can maintain mutual feelings of closeness without having to speak with or see each other frequently. If you’ve ever had a friendship where you can go weeks or months without getting the chance to properly catch up, but when you finally have the chance to talk on the phone or meet up over coffee it feels like you’re able to pick up right where you left off, that’s a low maintenance friend.

In contrast, high maintenance friends might expect you to focus your time, energy, and attention on them when you are already spread thin. A high maintenance friendship might leave you feeling drained or stressed after interacting with each other, or you may feel pressured to spend more time or energy on the friendship than you can really afford to in certain times. This person might not respect your boundaries, and may make you feel like any little argument could lead to bigger repercussions, so you go along with their wants or needs and sacrifice your own to avoid rocking the boat.

While some friendships may naturally be low maintenance, setting boundaries and reducing how demanding other friendships may become can be a big help. If maintaining a friendship starts to feel like another obligation in your already overfilled calendar, aiming for low maintenance friendships can help you to still feel connected without becoming overwhelmed.

Having a mutual understanding and acceptance that life can get busy, and friendships can’t always take priority, makes maintaining a healthy friendship as an adult that much simpler. However, it’s important to recognise that you need a solid foundation built on trust and healthy communication to help make these kinds of friendships more resilient to the tests of time.

Are low maintenance friends still good friends?

As with any friendship, there can be good and bad points. While it’s great to be able to feel like you can pick up where you left off, the reason why you’re getting back in touch with each other can also play a significant role in how valid and supportive the relationship feels.

If it seems like you or your friend are only getting in touch when you need something, it can be a sign that your relationship may have become unbalanced or unhealthy. Whereas if you still can enjoy catching up and reaching out more casually from time to time, it can signify that your appreciation for each other is still strong.

One potential problem with low maintenance friendships is that they can feel surface-level at times. This can lead to miscommunication and might mean that you may not feel as supported by them. This can be why it’s important to still have a mixture of regular and low maintenance friendships, to help create balance in your life.

Of course, you can still have meaningful friendships with low maintenance friends – it’s about recognising what is important to each other, and being there to support them through those times. Reach out to congratulate them about milestones and remember to share your own. Keep in touch via phone, texts, or social media, and check-in to see how they are and offer support or a kind word.

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What’s the difference between a low maintenance friend and a ‘bad’ friend?

The real crux of this difference is effort and intention. A low maintenance friendship is built on a healthy, mutual understanding that you each have responsibilities and priorities outside of your friendship, but when you do catch up, you’re both present, engaged, and supportive. Whereas a friendship that goes weeks or months with little effort or interest in each other’s lives, only touching base when one of you needs something, or making you always feel like an afterthought, can be the signs of a friendship that may have become unbalanced, unhealthy, or unhelpful. 

Investing in your friendships: how to be a good low maintenance friend

Low maintenance friendships don’t mean no effort – just that, well, less maintenance is needed. It’s really about recognising the value of quality, over the quantity, of time spent together. A good low maintenance friendship has:

  • Mutual understanding. You both get that you need to balance your other responsibilities (work, family, hobbies, self-care and aren’t always available – even if you want to be.

  • Flexibility. Both parties avoid the blame game if time together needs to be rescheduled, and understand that cancelling because you have to is very different to cancelling because you don’t want to hang out.

  • Endurance. It still feels like you can talk and catch up like no time has passed, whether it’s been days, weeks, or months since you last met up.

  • Low stress levels. You both understand that you care and will be there for things big and small, but won’t get upset over missed calls or cancelled plans – or make you feel guilty over it.

  • An equal effort. To positively maintain your friendship requires both parties to be invested, and be present when you do have time together. This could mean offering support, being open and positive, and having healthy interactions together, even if it’s just a ‘like’ on a social media post.

If you’re looking to make new low maintenance friends, joining new clubs or exploring more social hobbies can be a great way to spark casual friendships centred around a shared interest. Signing up for a class or weekly activity can also be an effective way of scheduling in a regular time to catch up and do something fun together, without worrying about changing your schedule frequently in order to make time for things.

And for those existing low-maintenance friends, you can still devote attention to them and help them to run more smoothly by:

  • Prioritising check-ins. Setting up a regular time that works for both of you (whether that’s weekly, monthly or every few months) can be a good way of establishing a routine where you can keep up with each other’s lives and feel supported.

  • Reaching out about the little things. Every catch-up doesn’t have to be about big news or life events. Small moments can be just as important to each other.

  • Showing your gratitude and appreciation. Don’t be afraid to share how much you care. Reach out and tell them how much they mean to you. It doesn’t have to be finding time for an hour-long phone call, a simple message could make their day.

Maintaining friendships as an adult isn’t always easy. But with effort and open communication, it’s possible to create (and keep) lasting, meaningful friendships, even when your time is limited.