As individuals, we’re always evolving. But navigating that in-between stage can bring up difficult feelings. Here’s how to make it through the ‘identity void’…
Have you ever found yourself lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling, asking yourself the question: who am I? I suspect it’s something most of us have felt at some point in our lives, especially as a consequence of life-changing events, such as an unexpected health diagnosis, losing a loved one, or going through a breakup.
Ruptures in our ‘normal’ way of life can have a profound impact on how we view ourselves, because so much of our identity is wrapped up in the place we buy our morning coffee, where we go to work, and the people we connect with on a daily basis. So, is it any wonder that, back in 2020 when the world shut down, many of us – myself included – felt like we were floating aimlessly in a void, disconnected from our sense of self?
Looking back, I can see that it marked the beginning of a significant shift in how I understood myself – a journey that, over the next few years, led me to come out as gay, and make the decision to end my marriage.
Even if, like me, your identity is shifting in a positive direction, the experience can be unsettling. Some might call it an identity crisis, but I’ve come to describe it as an ‘identity void’ – the seemingly blank space between who you were, and who you are yet to become.
But, how can we find something stable to cling on to as we navigate the void?
Notice the signs you’re shifting
You might notice that your hobbies no longer excite you, or that your career lacks the sense of purpose it once had. Perhaps you’re questioning your values, noticing your beliefs are changing, or that something seems ‘missing’ – although you can’t quite put your finger on what.
Relationships can mirror the shift too, with an increasing sense of disconnect appearing between you and the people you used to feel aligned with. According to Katherine Cavallo, a systemic family and couples psychotherapist, when how we perceive ourselves changes, it will naturally impact relationships with others.
“Some [people] may be firmly attached to the old sense of self, and find it difficult to accept the changes that feel authentic to you, in which case, the relationship may struggle to withstand the transition,” she says. This kind of disconnect, or conflict, can create added stress during a time when things already feel difficult to process.
Reconnecting with yourself
In this void, one of the hardest parts to face is the grief; even if you know things are changing for the better, it doesn’t negate the sense of loss. “Accepting these feelings with compassion, rather than trying to push them away, can be more helpful,” says Katherine. “Acknowledge that what you’re feeling is temporary, and that painful emotions will gradually dissipate.”
Leadership and career coach Annabel Smith says that exploring your values, and sense of purpose, can give you a feeling of control. “Lots of people like journaling, but I also work with people who paint or collage. Others find that their best thinking is when they’re walking or running.”
Ask yourself: what do I care deeply about? What kind of impact do I want to have on the people around me? What beliefs or values have stayed consistent throughout my life? Which ones have shifted?
When everything that used to make you ‘you’ seems to have fallen away, reflecting on what matters most can help you find an internal stability. In turn, your mindset will move from fear to curiosity, and that’s where optimism about the future can begin to take root.
“When they’re feeling more positive about the change, I may ask what their 15-year-old self would tell them to do, or what they would like to be written in their obituary,” says Annabel. “Some clients really enjoy thinking about what they might be wearing in their new identity – and one, whose secret dream was to own a flower shop, loved thinking about working in a place that always smelled wonderful!”
With that said, it may take longer than you would like to find the strength to start dreaming about what’s next. “It’s normal for change to feel a bit messy and complicated at times. We all carry internal narratives about how our lives should pan out, which rarely go to plan,” says Katherine. “Being faced with unexpected change can generate feelings of vulnerability or shame, but it’s also important to recognise that these challenging times can bring a deep sense of self-actualisation, and to focus on embracing the process, rather than aiming for perfection.”
That means taking things at a pace that is comfortable for you, being honest with others about where you’re at, and giving yourself grace as you try to find your footing in unknown terrain.
Friction of growth
Something I found particularly confusing while going through my own identity shift was the discomfort of the new. A few months after coming out, I went to visit family in Melbourne, Australia, to honour my dream of travelling solo. But after a week of feeling deeply lost, I wanted to cut my trip short and fly home. During an online session with my therapist, she gently asked: “Do you think that self-growth always has to be comfortable?”
Suddenly, my urge to retreat from the situation dissipated, because I could see that the discomfort I was experiencing was proof that I was making brave choices, and that didn’t mean I was on the wrong path.
So, although moving through the identity void can be unpleasant, it doesn’t necessarily mean you should change course. Instead, it’s about recognising when being out of your comfort zone is actually a good thing!
Noticing this difference is key. When you’ve spent time on self-reflection, had conversations with people you trust, and made decisions from a place of self-awareness, then feelings of discomfort are likely to feel more manageable. But, if you make impulsive decisions, act in fear, or feel totally overwhelmed, it’s probably time to take a step back, and maybe even consider getting professional support.
There’s something undeniably disorienting about watching yourself become someone you no longer recognise. But that sense of unfamiliarity doesn’t mean you’re lost – it means you’re growing. Like seeds buried in the dark soil, identity shifts often begin in quiet, messy places, before they push toward the light, and bloom into something new.
Comments