Is frantic dusting and tidying a good way to channel your frustration – or is it just sweeping the real problem under the rug?
You feel it building. The sight of mounting laundry and piling dishes is enough to tip you over the edge. You thrash around the house, slamming cupboard doors, tossing discarded items into their rightful places, muttering crossly to yourself things like: “Why is no one helping me?” “Am I the only one who can see this mess?” “Does anyone even care?” You are rage cleaning.
On the surface, it might appear healthy – cathartic even. An opportunity to release that built-up tension, with the added bonus of a tidy home. But what problem are you really solving? Is the mess the source of your frustration, or is there something deeper that rage cleaning was only masking?
What is rage cleaning?
Burnout coach and therapist Alex Stark defines rage cleaning as “cleaning with a vengeance; a person’s inclination to clean as a means to control their chaotic brain and space”.
It makes perfect sense; life is hectic and physical order frees up some of that cognitive mental load. Most of us strive for organisation, and research indicates the negative impact disorganisation can have on us, including symptoms of anxiety, a decrease in focus, and reduced working memory.
But this does not quite explain where our rage comes from. Of course, we might, in part, be triggered by the assault on our senses and the endless to-dos. But if we consider the second half of Alex’s definition, there is something further to be understood about the rage clean.
“It is usually referred to when used as a coping skill, when the person is displeased with their family’s participation in keeping the home clean, neat, organised, or tidy.”
As psychotherapist Laura Patterson says: “Rage cleaning cannot happen in isolation. It is a relational issue.”
She urges us to look at what rage really is, in order to understand our actions that follow.
Where rage meets hurt
“Anger is not in itself a bad thing”, explains Laura. “It can be cleansing and, if channelled correctly, it can be productive.”
Where anger becomes problematic is when the source is not addressed. It is not an idle emotion that sits detached from an underlying cause.
“Anger and hurt are two sides of the same coin,” says Laura. She asked me to explore my own feelings around rage cleaning. What I assumed was just frustration, and an obsession with wanting things clean, was actually more to do with feeling unsupported, and a sense of imbalance. If I reflect on the monologue that runs on a loop while I’m vigorously scrubbing, it’s not actually “I hate this mess,” it’s “No one cares.”
The mess stood as a visual representation of the hurt building. And while Laura notes that “a tidy space gives the illusion of a problem solved, nothing has actually changed”. Cleaning might eradicate the rage, at least temporarily, but it does not actually fix the hurt.
The ego ideal
One study, published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, suggests that women might be more affected by clutter-induced stress than men, due to societal roles and expectations. Laura views this as part of the problem, and notes the impossibly high standards women create for themselves.
In her practice, she observes the narrative women have around what they think they should be. This is referred to as the “ego ideal”, and mess chips away at this. It serves as a visual reminder that you are not fulfilling your perceived obligations as a wife, mother, and woman.
“What idealised version of yourself are you holding yourself accountable to?” Laura says. “Are you setting the bar too high, and can you lower these expectations?”
Social media further fuels this, as we are constantly exposed to what appears to be the best version of others – the mess-free show home of the modern influencer.
While we’ve acknowledged how constant disorder yields its own problems, perfectionism can be equally harmful, linking to low self-esteem and poor mental health.
How can we manage mess without rage?
Our approach is key. “If people believe we are critical of them, they won’t want to help,” says Laura. Essentially, we need to shift our stance from passive aggression to one of openness and honesty.
Alex Stark suggests having “intentional conversations”. “This might be couples counselling or independently but, either way, we need to open the door to forgiveness in order to instil any behavioural change.”
Laura urges us to work productively together, and advises her clients to take stock on a Sunday evening. “What are all the tasks of the week ahead, and how can these be divided fairly? By both parties making this agreement, they are creating accountability.”
We can also look at taking other practical steps, such as doing one small cleaning task each day, and keeping at least one room in the home clean so there is always a safe space we can go, even if the rest of the house isn’t as tidy as we might like.
Laura also wonders if we could learn to sit with the mess. She acknowledges that mess can feel like a threat, but this form of anxiety is neurotic. A messy kitchen does not call for a fight-or-flight response. “We can achieve this by finding meaning in the mess,” she says. “What are the reasons for the mess? Is it because you have happy children using their imagination? Is it because you prioritise time together as a family over constant cleaning? These reasons are important.”
For me, personally, now that I better understand my rage cleaning, I feel more equipped to tackle it. Not just the mess, but the hurt alongside it.
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