What is compulsory heterosexuality?

Recognising the pressure society puts on us to be ‘straight’ is what empowers many people to have a sexual awakening in later life

Coming out as a lesbian at the age of 35 makes me what people call a ‘late bloomer’, and one of the things people ask me a lot is why I kept my sexuality under wraps for so long. But the truth is, I wasn’t one of those people who pretended to be straight while secretly hiding my gayness. I believed – I assumed – for all that time, that I was straight. I was in a relationship with a man for 17 years, and I didn’t have crushes on female co-workers or friends. So I was definitely straight, right?

The thing about sexual repression is that it’s entirely unconscious. In the same way that a victim of a car crash may be unable to access memories of the incident because their brain blocks out traumatic memories for self-preservation, people can often be unable to witness the truth of their sexual identity through conscious thought alone.

It wasn’t until I stumbled upon the concept of compulsory heterosexuality that I began to question everything I thought I knew about my identity.

What is compulsory heterosexuality?

Compulsory heterosexuality, a term coined by writer Adrienne Rich in the 1980s, is a theory that heterosexuality (sexual or romantic attraction to people of the opposite sex) is forced on the general population through patriarchal systems and societal pressures.

The social consequences of existing outside of a heterosexual pair are very real, and the false idea that the majority of people are heterosexual perpetuates the idea that anything else is wrong, which stigmatises LGBTQIA+ individuals and perpetuates homophobia. The heteronormative narrative of two opposite genders falling in love is only one option from a huge, exciting spectrum of possibilities.

Compulsory heterosexuality in real life

In school, sex education is still largely heteronormative, and a recent poll of young people in England, carried out by Censuswide, found that 54% of respondents said they didn’t receive LGBTQIA+ relevant information. This is particularly worrying because an inclusive curriculum correlates with increased safety, reduced bullying, and fewer reports of adverse outcomes such as suicidal thoughts and plans among all youth, regardless of gender or sexuality, as reported in a 2020 article in the Journal of Adolescent Health which reviewed 30 years of data.

In the home, only 46% of lesbian, gay, and bisexual folk (and 47% of trans people) feel able to be open about their sexual orientation or gender identity to everyone in their family, while heterosexuality is celebrated as the norm. Gay marriage wasn’t legalised in the UK until 2014, a stark reminder of how sexuality has been consistently governed by external systems, leaving little room for experimentation and authentic expression.

Media reinforcement also plays a role. LGBTQIA+ characters in TV and film are often minor or portrayed negatively, meanwhile, queer literature has faced suppression, leading to the erasure of non-hetero stories.

When opportunities for visibility and self-exploration have been shut down so consistently, it’s no surprise that there can be a delay in expressing a more accurate sexual identity.

The psychological impact

Because heterosexuality is assumed, you might not recognise the signs pointing to a different orientation. Without exposure to diverse narratives, it’s easy to believe being straight is the only option. The fact that ‘coming out’ is a common milestone for queer folk shows that heterosexuality is the considered default. To deviate from that norm requires actively standing up and vocalising your difference, which in itself is a terrifying act, because it so often leads to abuse and social exclusion.

Some may consciously force themselves to appear straight if they witness discrimination against LGBTQIA+ people, as a survival strategy. But suppressing your identity can cause anxiety, depression, and internalised homophobia.

Even when people are openly queer, compulsory heterosexuality continues to harm, as Dr Kerry McBroome, a licensed clinical psychologist at Full Focus Therapy explains. “Compulsory heterosexuality can be particularly damaging to bisexual and pansexual people, who may find fulfilment in a romantic or sexual relationship that appears heterosexual.

“Being in a ‘straight-passing’ relationship may make it easier for bi and pan people to dismiss their same-sex attractions or behaviours, or postpone exploring that side of themselves.”

Exploring your sexuality

Questioning your sexuality later in life brings unique challenges, including disappointment and grief for having repressed a key part of yourself for so long. But it is possible to overcome these effects by recognising societal influences, and exploring your sexuality more openly. Reframing it as a journey of self-discovery can make it a positive experience, and doing so with a queer-affirming therapist might give you the support you need.

Being aware of compulsory heterosexuality theory allows you to bear witness to the ways you may have contorted yourself to fit into the image of normality. If you’re questioning your sexual identity, powerful forces outside of your control have likely played a role in your repression, and this knowledge can ease some of the self-directed anger. Self-compassion is essential here, because there can be a tendency to feel as though you’ve let yourself down by giving in to societal pressures.

“Embarking on a process of self-discovery is a healthy part of life, daunting as it may seem to start exploring a new part of yourself,” says Dr McBroome. “You can think of exploring your sexuality as similar to going through a second puberty; alarming when you are going through it, and yet aren’t you glad you did?”

If you’re questioning your sexuality as a result of learning about this, the important thing is to be patient as you ‘unlearn’ the messaging that has been imprinted on you over the years.

Start by exploring diverse narratives in books, podcasts, movies, and TV shows. This can validate your feelings and widen your understanding of what it means to be queer. Try not to get bogged down by the idea that you’re ‘not queer enough’ – a common feeling among adults who come out later in life.

“Reframe the idea that there is one correct answer to the question of your sexuality,” says Dr McBroome, “and rejoice in the fact that there is a whole vibrant, questioning community who are playing around with some of these same core queries as you.”