Do you feel drained, demotivated, or generally exhausted after spending time with some friends? It could be a sign that you’re dealing with an emotional vampire

Spending time with our friends and family should be rejuvenating. Having good friends we can rely on and spending time with isn’t just about making connections, it can have a whole host of benefits for us. From helping us to better tackle stressful situations and cope during difficult times, to encouraging and supporting us in making healthier lifestyle choices, achieving our goals, and making real progress, our friendships can be an integral part of our lives. 

But what about when spending time with friends starts to feel more draining than rejuvenating? We explain more about emotional vampires, the signs to look out for, and what you can do to get back on track.

What is an emotional vampire?

Unlike vampires shown in literature and pop culture, emotional vampires can be very real – and can do a surprising amount of damage to our confidence, productivity, wellbeing, and self-esteem.

Emotional vampires are people who drain our physical energy, undermine our sense of self-worth, and leave us feeling overwhelmed and drained. You might even start to feel a sense of dread when you see a text or call pop up from certain friends. If you find yourself feeling anxious or negative after spending time with someone – or feel tempted to make excuses to skip out on meeting up together – it could be a sign that they are an emotional vampire. 

While some relationships with friends can help to boost our moods, leaving us feel positive and refreshed, spending time with an emotional vampire can drain your physical, emotional and mental energy. For some people, they can even be left feeling worse about themselves and doubting their self-worth thanks to time spent with emotionally draining friends. 

Signs of an emotional vampire

Signs a friend might be an emotional vampire can include:

  • Feeling physically and/or emotionally exhausted after spending time or speaking with them. 
  • Your mood takes a turn for the worse after you catch up. You might feel demotivated, hopeless, anxious, depressed, or generally negative.
  • Feeling like you doubt yourself or your recollection of events after spending time together. 
  • You see toxic behaviours from your friend, such as gaslighting (making you doubt your own experiences or memories), passive-aggressive behaviour (trying to manipulate you to do what they want rather than asking outright), using guilt as a weapon, or refusing to take accountability. 

Not all emotional vampires affect us in the same way. Different kinds might leave you feeling differently, and you might need a different approach to help deal with them. Some may use gaslighting, manipulation, or emotionally controlling tactics to gain control or to make you feel smaller, while others may be more self-focused and may not even realise their behaviour is self-centred or that they are having a negative impact on you. 

The ‘dramatic’ friend. Every small incident seems like a big drama. Small inconveniences are reframed as big dramatic issues, or they never have a simple cold it’s always the worst flu they (and you) have ever heard of. Over time, this can leave you feeling tired, overwhelmed, and like your energy has been zapped.

Staying calm, not rising or reacting to bit, over the top displays, and now allowing yourself to get caught up in potential drama can help you to protect your energy and recentre yourself. 

The ‘poor me’ friend. Victim mentality emotional vampires make it sound like the world is against them, their unhappiness is unavoidable, and others are always at fault. They may not want to hear or find potential solutions, instead preferring to tell you about everything that’s going wrong to the point of focusing on nothing else. 

Setting healthy boundaries can be key with this kind of friend. You can still listen to them and offer support, but setting a limit on how long you are willing to listen to problems without talking about solutions can help to protect your own energy.

The ‘all about me’ friend. They talk about themselves constantly and rarely seem interested in others – or in letting you get a word in. They can feel overwhelming in a conversation and may leave you feeling as if you’ve been talked at, rather than with.

Speaking up and making yourself heard may help with this kind of emotional vampire. It can feel rude at first to try and interrupt, but if you consistently find yourself unable to add to a conversation, finding a way to politely interject and assert yourself can help. 

The ‘needs to be in control’ friend. These kinds of emotional vampires try and dictate what you’re supposed to do and how you should feel. Opinionated, they might try and invalidate your own emotions and feelings on things if they contradict how they are feeling, and can leave you feeling put down. 

Confidence is key. Letting these kinds of friends know that you value them and their advice, but you want to do things using your own method can help you to assert yourself and avoid feeling steamrolled with advice on what you ‘should’ be doing.  

What can I do if I am surrounded by emotional vampires?

If you find yourself surrounded by emotional vampires, surrounding yourself with people who help increase your energy levels rather than leaving you feeling drained can be key. Time with friends and family who leave you feeling energised, inspired, and motivated can have a significant impact on your overall mood and sense of wellbeing. 

Healthy ways to deal with a friend who you think is an emotional vampire:

Set boundaries. Healthy boundaries can help to set expectations and creates the opportunity to hold others accountable. For example, if you feel frustrated a friend is always late to meet you, setting a healthy boundary could mean talking to them about being late, letting them know why it upsets you, and making it clear that if they continue to be late, you won’t wait indefinitely for them to arrive. This can help to minimise the negative impact their behaviour has on you, and to decrease how frustrated you feel.

Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness can help you to become more self-aware, as well as to understand yourself and your reactions to the world around you. Through practising mindfulness, you can become more aware of how emotional vampires behaviour is affecting you, and can help you to avoid being pulled into a negative cycle of blame or unhelpful behaviours. 

Working with a professional counsellor or therapist. Over time, emotional vampires can leave a lasting impact on our confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. You might feel drained, stressed, or unsure how to fix issues within your friendships (or other relationships with emotional vampires, e.g. romantic, family or work). Speaking with a professional can help you to take a step back, evaluate the situation, identify unhelpful patterns, and work towards finding newer, healthier ways to handle potentially toxic friendships and set healthier boundaries. 

Friendships change, grow, and evolve over time, just like we do. While cutting off relationships is rarely something we want to do, it can be healthy to take a step back and reassess friendships to see if they are benefiting you right now, and if they are something you want to try and improve. Supporting a friend or a loved one shouldn’t come at the expense of your own mental health and wellbeing. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or exhausted, it could be a sign that it’s time for something to change.