This is why we should all have intergenerational friendships

Uncover the multitude of benefits to befriending people of different generations, and enter a new age of understanding

Above the noise of tacks being tapped into wood, and the occasional snap of scissors through fabric, a conversation was taking place about cold water swimming. The youngest participant in our weekly upholstery class had come in pink-cheeked and still shivering after a dip in her makeshift outdoor bath; smashing the ice before submerging herself as the cold shocked the air from her lungs.

One of the older ladies, raising her head from behind the armchair she was meticulously deconstructing, quipped that when she went cold-swimming near the Arctic Circle, it was the burn of the ice under her feet that she will always remember. As she headed out on to the frozen lake, she looked longingly back at her shoes sitting on the shoreline, and cursed her decision to go barefoot.

We catch up on everyone’s news during the few hours we meet; knowledge is shared as the less experienced upholsterers get themselves in a muddle, and the experienced step in to help unpick, repair, or guide. But wider knowledge is also shared – and there is a genuine curiosity.

The ladies in their 70s ask about my children, their schools, whether they eat what I cook (no!), whether I am worried about smartphones (yes!), and their friendships. I ask questions, too. It is a wonderful flow of opinions, experiences, and ideas. Age is marked not as a void between us, but simply by the fact that they have been on this planet for longer than me. They have more lived experiences, but are intrigued by mine.

The benefits of intergenerational friendships are well-documented. However, this is a time in which many of us exist – especially online – in generational echo chambers. Outside of this group, the majority of my friends are around the same age as me, share many of my views and priorities, and have children of the same ages. This is often because we met through our children – on those first days of school when we were exhausted, excited, teary and relieved in equal measures. Playdates with the kids turned into evening catch ups for the adults.

This is age homophily, which social scientists Catherine Elliott O’Dare, Virpi Timonen, and Catherine Conlon centred their research around in a paper for the Canadian Journal on Aging. Homophily is the concept that ‘birds of a feather flock together’ – famously written about by scientists Robert K Merton and Paul F Lazarsfeld in 1954.

In our society, homophily sometimes plays out in our choice of the echo chambers we interact within, and these are often age-related. A quick sweep through my Instagram feed, and many of the faces are in their 40s like me. Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley, a chartered psychologist, explains: “We tend to seek out environments where our beliefs are affirmed, providing validation and belonging. Echo chambers offer this comfort by filtering out differing views. Humans naturally seek information that confirms their beliefs, and ignore contradicting information, a bias amplified by echo chambers.”

While I have actively looked for content about topics I am concerned with, and some of these are related to my stage of life, the online algorithms have just fed me more of the same at the exclusion of other groups – including different age groups.

This adds more bricks to the barriers to communication between generations. “Each generation grows up in a unique socio-cultural context, shaping their values, beliefs, and communication styles. For instance, baby boomers might prioritise face-to-face communication, while millennials and gen Z are more accustomed to digital interactions,” says Louise. “This creates technological gaps, as older generations may struggle with new technologies that younger people find intuitive, leading to misunderstandings and frustration.”

There are even slang and jargon differences between generations, but also “varying priorities and stressors”, adds Louise. “These differences can lead to a lack of empathy or understanding, as each generation may struggle to relate to the other’s experiences,” she says.

And a lack of empathy can ferment into resentment. “Younger generations may resent older ones due to economic disparities, environmental degradation, and rapid social changes,” says Louise. “Additionally, older generations often represent the younger ones’ parents, leading to a sublimation of parental resentment, and arguably vice versa.” Our worlds then become silos.

However, O’Dare and colleagues found that homophily was often not related to age at all. Their paper focused on the notion of “sameness” from the perspective of the older friend (aged 65 and above) in intergenerational friendships with someone more than 15 years younger. They found that friendships were centred upon “doing and being” – namely shared interests, shared approaches and attitudes, as well as pursuing the same interests and leisure activities. They determined that age homophily is largely dictated by how society is organised. Children play in youth orchestras and go to youth clubs. People who are retired take part in activities when school children and working adults are occupied. The opportunities for age integration are limited. Some of the relationships described in the study had come about because the older friend had been a mentor or teacher to the younger – they shared “an action”. “The ‘actions’ formed a basis of commonality and sharing,” the team writes. They were a “conduit to friendship”.

The study proves that the commonalities that can be the seeds of friendships are often not related to age at all. Indeed, many of the participants dismissed age as irrelevant. This, says Louise, is an argument for more opportunities for generations to mix. “Creating opportunities for respectful dialogue, such as intergenerational mentoring, community events, and discussion forums, can bridge gaps. Educating each generation about others’ experiences through storytelling and collaborative activities fosters empathy.” This can happen naturally in places where people of all ages are brought together by a shared love.

As I prick my finger yet again with the caning needle, one of the ladies brings me a cup of tea. We chat about my rickety chair and her husband’s rickety knees. We may only see each other once a week – sometimes less when life gets too busy – but these friendships are as valid and nurturing for me as those with the women who sit in my kitchen, hiding as our children take over the rest of my house.

Generational echo chambers may feel like safe spaces, but they are also spaces where our views are continuously validated and not questioned. Spending time with people of other ages, views, backgrounds, or genders is a chance to listen, absorb, and learn. It’s also a chance for new friendships that enrich our lives, and that is always something to seek out.