Nobody wants a reputation as a flaky friend. But what if cancelling plans wasn’t the social faux pas we worry it is? According to new research, we might be more forgiving of cancelled plans than you might think…

You’ve had a long day. Your bus was running late, work was more stressful than expected, and now, you’re supposed to head out for dinner with friends. All you really want to do is cancel and spend the night at home. But that would be rude, wouldn’t it? 

Many of us feel bad when it comes to cancelling plans, but according to new research, those on the receiving end of the cancellation may be more accepting about the unexpected changes than we might think.

Researchers from the Norwegian School of Economics in Bergen had looked into how accurately we can predict the reactions of others when we cancel social plans. Findings suggest that there might not be a need to be so stressed about cancelling after all.

Inspired by one of the researchers’ own desires to cancel plans, the study asked around 400 adults in the US to judge a scenario where two best friends arranged to meet up for dinner, but one had to cancel at the last minute due to urgent work issues, leaving the other to eat alone at home. Participants were asked to imagine themselves either being the one cancelling or being cancelled on, and to judge the situation and how acceptable the action was on a scale of one (completely unacceptable) to seven (mostly acceptable). 

Participants asked to imagine they were cancelling plans were most likely to think that their friend would be unimpressed with their actions, giving an acceptability score of just 4.96 on average. Those asked to imagine they were on the receiving end of the cancellation gave an average acceptability score of 6.22. 

In further scenarios, the same perception gap was found across a variety of relationships and social activities. Researchers revealed a similar gap, whether the scenario was about cancelling dinner plans with a neighbour, best friend, or work colleague. Even with a more public event like a concert rather than dinner, or when more vague excuses like catching up with a work project were given for cancelling.

Researchers hope that these findings will help people feel less anxious about cancelling plans, which, in turn, could make them more likely to be social, as worries, stress and anxiety about the potential to cancel may hold some people back from making plans in the first place. However, researchers pointed out that more research may be needed, as findings in other parts of the world, such as parts of Asia where people are known to judge cancellations more harshly, may differ. 

Cancelling plans last minute

Thinking of cancelling plans at the last minute, but feeling a little worried or anxious? There are a number of different things you can try – and say – to ease your worries and avoid hurt feelings. As research suggests, friends, family, colleagues, and even neighbours can be more understanding about these things than we might realise.

If you are planning to cancel, it can be helpful to do so as thoughtfully, kindly, and with as much notice as possible. While emergencies can pop up, it can help to show the other person you are trying to be considerate and that you value their time and your connection. Try and:

  • Be honest, but keep it brief. You don’t need to go into too many details, but they may appreciate it if you are straightforward about your need to cancel, rather than dragging things out.
  • Be sincere and clear. Apologise and acknowledge the inconvenience and disappointment that cancelling might cause. If you can, suggesting another time to reschedule, or making it clear that you would like to catch up and reschedule again soon, can help emphasise that you are still interested in spending time together.
  • Share your appreciation. Along with apologising, thank them for understanding. This can help to smooth over any discomfort, as well as to remind them that spending time together still matters to you. 
  • Accept disappointment with grace. Sometimes, no matter how careful we are, we still can’t avoid disappointment or frustration at last minute changes (or cancellation of) plans. Rather than getting defensive, take the time to acknowledge how they are feeling, give them space to feel disappointed, and come back at a later time to make or reschedule plans. 

Cancelling plans at the last minute might be more acceptable than we realise, but if you find yourself doing so more and more frequently, it could be a sign that you are overlooking something. Maybe you aren’t being as realistic about what you can fit into your schedule, or you are overestimating your energy levels. It’s OK to practise saying no to things if you are already feeling like you are at capacity, or to ask if you can set a firmer date later if you aren’t sure if you will have the time and energy.

So the next time you’re staring at your phone, feeling that creeping sense of dread and wondering whether or not you should cancel or power through, it may be helpful to remember that you’re probably being harder on yourself than anyone else. Most people understand that life can get busy, unexpected things can happen, energy levels wane, and plans, sometimes, need to change. As long as you are being thoughtful, honest, and realistic, you can start protecting both your own wellbeing and your relationships, making changing plans shift from something scary to something we can be kinder to ourselves about.