Could phoning a friend or firing off a vent text be key to unleashing pent-up frustration?
How many of us have taken to WhatsApp in a fit of rage to offload to our most trusted allies? Perhaps we had to bite our tongue when a colleague challenged us, or our spouse failed to spot the sink full of dishes for the millionth time. When we might not be able to say what we’re really thinking in the moment, online chats offer us a safe space to unleash the rage – before it boils over.
The importance of venting
Anger is part and parcel of our human experience. While society often condemns it as a ‘negative’ emotion, the truth is that it’s a perfectly natural and valid response to feeling wronged or hurt. How we channel it, however, is where anger can become problematic.
Without an outlet, therapist Georgina Sturmer describes rage as “something that can become stuck or trapped, with the propensity to manifest in other physical or emotional ways. It can lead to anxiety or depression, or we might find our bodies feeling hyper-aroused and primed for outbursts.”
By sharing our feelings with others – in the form of ranting or venting – we have an opportunity to gain insight into what has triggered this response, and avert future upset. As Georgina notes: “When we put words to our rage and share them with others, it might feel as if we are releasing some pressure, especially if we are met with empathy and compassion.”
The response of the recipient is key in all of this. Research, published in Evolution and Human Behaviour in 2024, highlights the social power we wield when we vent. Across multiple experiments, venting consistently caused listeners to like the venter more than the target (AKA the person being vented about). This provides the venter with a sense of support, of feeling heard and validated in their own response, which could potentially alleviate some of the hurt caused.
The move to an ever online world
Traditionally, a good old rant with a friend might have meant meeting for a coffee, but, in our increasingly remote world, we have come to rely more so on our digital conversations to keep us connected. It’s estimated that there were 3.03 billion WhatsApp users in 2024, which continues to rise year-on-year, and it’s believed that an average of 150 billion WhatsApp messages will be sent each day in 2025.
Kate Mannell, research fellow at Deakin University in the ARC Centre of Excellence for the Digital Child, Australia, explains how messaging apps can help maintain important relationships that otherwise might not be sustained. “Mobile messaging creates a kind of ‘ambient co-presence’ where we can be in touch across the day through lots of small interactions. In the absence of face-to-face opportunities, we need these kinds of spaces to process things, be vulnerable, and feel connected.”
This would tie in with the arguments put forth in the research paper entitled Everyday dwelling with WhatsApp, published by the Association for Computing Machinery, whereby all these small, continuous communications amount to an experience akin to togetherness. By checking in with each other throughout the day with titbits, ramblings, and rants, we can reinforce that concept of solidarity.
The beauty of group chats in particular, as Kate describes, is that “the responsibility to reply is shared across multiple people, taking some of the pressure off an individual, especially where venting is concerned”.
Georgina Sturmer also recognises the benefits of instant accessibility where “we can release our rage when an offline connection isn’t available”.
Pitfalls to consider
Where the online chat might seem like the ideal place for our pent-up frustration, there are factors to consider. “These types of conversations play a very different role to face- to-face interactions, and might pose some risks if we choose to use them to rant or to vent,” says Georgina.
Not only can it be difficult to ‘read’ how the other person is responding, a lag between responses can make our rant less satisfying, and leave us feeling unsupported and anxious.
In her extensive research, Kate Mannell has found the etiquette can still be difficult for friends to navigate. We all have that one friend who seems to be attached to their phone, replying instantly and at all hours. Their expectations aren’t likely to match someone who is much more aloof when it comes to their digital correspondence. She notes that there is evidence that, in some cases, “too much digital communication in a friendship can become burdensome”.
“When it comes to having a ‘rage friend’ or friends, it’s important that all parties know where they stand,” explains Georgina. Perhaps one friend finds it difficult to know what to say, or another feels like they have had enough of always discussing another’s issues (particularly when they have their own to contend with). We all have limits to what we can tolerate, and it’s important to acknowledge these boundaries.
In this sense, we must choose our rage friends wisely. Do they have the traits we look for – compassion, tolerance, empathy – and do they translate online?
It’s also worth considering the ease at which we can rant with the use of a device – it removes some of the barriers that might hold us back in real life. This would relate to the ‘online disinhibition effect’ (described in a study in Cyberpsychology, Behaviour, and Social Networking), which, according to Georgina, can mean that “our words become more intense and magnified” from behind a screen.
How else can you address frustration?
While there is certainly merit in taking to our keyboards and letting it all out, it’s important that we use this venting space with caution. The effortless nature of it can lead to us dwelling in negativity longer than we need to. We also run the risk of becoming ‘that friend’, and must remember that having a ‘venting friendship’ goes both ways – so you need to reciprocate and be there to listen when your friends vent, too.
Georgina recommends “finding healthy outlets to experience a similar sensation to the ranting or venting effect”. This might involve journaling, talking out loud to ourselves, or shouting in an empty room or into a pillow. It’s also helpful to consider options that might help to soothe the physical sensations of our rage in a healthy way, such as getting out into the fresh air, regulating our breathing, having fun with friends, and moving our bodies.
“Therapy can also be an incredibly useful space to understand and explore our anger, to consider coping strategies, and to really get to grips with where it might come from,” Georgina says. “And, crucially, a relationship with a therapist is different from a relationship with a friend. A therapist offers non-judgemental, confidential support, without bringing their own agenda into the room.”
So, next time your anger is bubbling under the surface, consider what outlet would suit best. There’s no shame in releasing some rage with a friend, just make sure that’s not all your relationship centres on.
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