Recognising the psychological implications of restricting your emotional landscape, and what happens when you open yourself up to the full spectrum of the human experience
For most of us, the ultimate goal in life is to be ‘happy’. Friends and family tell us they want to see us content, living our lives to the fullest, and emotionally healthy. But our perceptions of what constitutes ‘happiness’ are all different. For some, it’s career success, but for others it might be forging meaningful relationships, or seeking new adventures.
However, in our pursuit of happiness, how we feel about our emotional states can become warped and unhealthy. We may fall into comparison traps with a distorted sense of reality, where it can feel like we’ve failed to admit we’re not ‘happy’ 24/7.
We may begin to see our emotions as either ‘bad’ or ‘good’, and try to suppress those which are challenging or difficult. This is emotional perfectionism, where we hold our emotional selves to an impossibly high standard, believing that we must always be in control, and regulate how we feel to never show sadness, anger, or other emotions that are deemed ‘negative’.
How can emotional perfectionism affect your emotional state?
“Emotional perfectionism can create chronic psychological distress,” psychotherapist Tina Chummun says. “Neurobiologically, it activates the amygdala – the brain’s threat-detection centre and alarm system for our bodies – causing heightened emotional reactivity. The prefrontal cortex, the cognitive part of our brain responsible for rational thought and emotional regulation, becomes overwhelmed, leading to difficulty in processing emotions effectively.”
If we’re constantly telling ourselves we need to stay positive, when in reality we’re feeling the opposite, our nervous system will react. It can leave us feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and, over time, less equipped to deal with challenges in everyday life.
“This can result in emotional suppression, where the limbic system (which governs emotions and memory) struggles to integrate and resolve distressing experiences,” Tina says. “Over time, this increases the risk of anxiety, depression, and emotional burnout, as the nervous system remains in a near-constant state of hypervigilance.”
Our feelings give us important feedback, and ignoring them can have serious consequences. These emotions we’re trying to hide will eventually spill out, often in unhealthy ways, escalating from snapping at people to becoming avoidant of difficult situations, and experiencing chronic stress – which the American Psychological Association notes has physical implications including muscle pain, gastrointestinal problems, reduced immunity, and increased risk of cardiovascular disease. Overall, these outbursts where we can’t contain feelings can lead to shame, which an emotional perfectionist tries to suppress, creating a relentless cycle.
How to overcome emotional perfectionism
There is no quick fix to the pattern of emotional perfection; it takes time and patience to break away from this type of thinking. An important first step is recognising you feel uncomfortable accepting and processing tough emotions, which will help you become more aware of the feelings you have been suppressing.
Another useful step is to proactively share your feelings with trusted people in your life. Allowing people in when you feel frustration, anger, sadness, and hurt is all part of forming healthy, sustainable relationships. Letting your guard down and sharing your vulnerability isn’t easy, but, with the right people, you’ll feel validated and accepted. This will allow you to redefine how you see your emotions from only negative and positive, to instead a normal, healthy part of being human.
Rather than aiming for perfection, our goal is to maintain emotional tolerance. Also called ‘distress tolerance’, it shields us from becoming overwhelmed by challenging situations, and the emotions which accompany them. Emotional tolerance includes accepting all our emotions for what they are, and learning to regulate them using healthy coping mechanisms.
What techniques can help break the cycle of emotional perfectionism?
Self-compassion priming
Small interventions can make a big difference, according to Tina Chummun. “One powerful method is using ‘self-compassion priming’, with written affirmations placed in unexpected places. This engages the brain’s reward system, and helps rewire automatic self-judgement patterns. When we encounter kind, affirming words, especially in moments of stress, it activates the anterior cingulate cortex and ventromedial prefrontal cortex – regions involved in self-reflection and emotional regulation. This counteracts the habitual activation of the amygdala, and decreases self-criticism over time.”
Use a wheel of emotions
A feelings wheel is a visual aid that can help you recognise, define, and articulate your emotions, giving you permission to acknowledge the entire spectrum of your feelings. With six to eight primary emotions in the centre, and layers of subcategories moving out from this, the emotion wheel allows you to pinpoint exactly how you feel.
Somatic therapy
This is an alternative treatment that focuses on the connection between the body and mind, helping you to feel grounded. Simple techniques, such as pressing your feet firmly into the floor and deep breathing, can be a good place to start.
‘Observe and shift’ is a technique where you link your emotions with sensations in your body, even when they’re uncomfortable. If an emotion is bringing you discomfort, identify it, then, think about the physical sensations it ignites. This might be shaking or sweating for anger, churning in the stomach for anxiety, or burning in the cheeks for embarrassment. Sit for a moment with those emotions, acknowledging and observing them. Then, shift your focus to a relaxed area of your body – your fingers, toes, legs, or arms. This will help dissipate that discomfort by focusing on an area where you feel physically grounded.
Compassion-focused imagery
Imagine a trusted friend. What do they say to you regarding your emotions? How do they feel towards you, despite the emotions you’re experiencing? Think about how their words make you feel, and how you would react to a real friend supporting you and allowing space for your emotions.
When we challenge emotional perfection, we begin to realise that we’re allowed to feel and explore a myriad of emotions, and they are all a normal part of being a perfectly imperfect human.
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