Recognise the signs, and learn what to do if someone once close to you is feeling less like a cheerleader and more like your adversary
Have you ever heard the phrase: ‘With friends like that, who needs enemies?’ Perhaps this sentiment even hits a nerve because you know what it’s like to have a ‘friend’ in your life who doesn’t behave how a friend should, i.e. a person who is a ‘friend’ by name, but not by their actions.
Recently, Oprah Winfrey was discussing friendship dynamics, in particular jealousy, with philanthropist Melinda Gates, and her best friend, TV personality Gayle King. “You can’t really be friends with anybody who has a hint of jealousy about anything you are doing,” she said. “Certainly, about your success or your being celebrated, or anything that you have. You cannot. You have to distance yourself or cut that thing off.”
But a ‘frenemy’ can be about more than just an underlying sense of jealousy; it can be competitiveness or resentment, or a general feeling that your self-esteem has taken a hit after spending time together. Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of their judgement. How you feel after spending time together is one of the first warning signs to pay attention to that signals a friendship is not all it’s cracked up to be.
The first time I noticed it in my own life was when I was writing my first book. I would occasionally go to lunch with friends and, on some days, I would return to my desk and want to have a nap, feeling unable to concentrate. Yet on other occasions, I would come back to write full of energy.
The people you choose to spend time with should be giving you energy, not draining it. The reasons for the latter could be the result of them spending the whole meal talking about themselves, or that when you shared a moment of joy, they pierced your excitement with criticism, and an inability to be happy for you. It can very much feel like when you’re with them, your bubble bursts.
True friends need to be able to be there for you during both highs and your lows. They should share your happiness when you are winning, and be your biggest cheerleaders, as well as a shoulder to lean on, in hard times. Ideally, they hope for your wins as much as their own, and when it all goes wrong, and life comes crashing down, a friend should show up and be a source of support.
Of course, life is hectic and the timing of our needs doesn’t always align with others – or may even clash. There will be moments when you’re both going through awful life events, and so there’s little to no capacity to support each other, but the intention and care should remain. In communication, there should still be a wish that they could do more, but are juggling their own crisis right now. It can be as simple as knowing you’re thinking of each other, even when you can’t be there physically. This communication can increase understanding between friends. It’s also why it’s important that your social network is larger than just one person, because as much as we care for our loved ones, we can’t always be there 24/7. By spreading out your support network amongst friends, it creates a relay-like race where friends can tag in and out, so you always have someone to turn to in those tough moments.
As ideal as all this sounds, we know friendship is rarely this simplistic, and one of the largest reasons for this, I believe, is due to comparison. Without self-awareness, we can sometimes use our friends as a measuring stick to assess whether we’re doing ‘life’ well or not. We look at our peers to decide whether we are ‘ahead’ or ‘behind’, when the reality is everyone is on their own journey.
This lack of self-awareness is what often creates these ‘frenemy’ relationships, because when a person’s self-esteem wavers, they may resort to putting you down in order to get momentary relief for themselves. What we have to remember, though, is that you decide how you deserve to be treated. If you find yourself keeping a person around who puts you down, it’s time to set some boundaries. Saying something like, “Please don’t speak to me like that” or “I didn’t appreciate it when I told you about my promotion, and you belitted my salary increase” is the place you start, and while communicating directly can seem scary and intimidating at first, it’s the only solution.
The more we pretend a ‘friend’s’ words don’t hurt us and sweep the issue under the rug, the more we are adding fuel to the fire that will lead to an inevitable eruption. If you set boundaries, and they continue to overstep, it’s important to ask yourself whether this is a person you want in your life. Friendship breakups are stigmatised and taboo, but they are a necessary part of life. I believe it is a collective experience left unspoken because it is shrouded in shame, and that’s why I am lifting the lid on the topic of friendship breakups in my new book, Bad Friend: Why Friendship Breakups Hurt and How to Heal – due to be released in 2025.
‘Bad Friend: Why Friendship Breakups Hurt and How to Heal’ by Michelle Elman is published on 8th May 2025 (Renegade Books, Hardback, £20.00)
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