‘So, what do you do?’ How to deal with this common but awkward question when you’re not working

If you can’t work, or you’re taking time out, you shouldn’t feel ashamed. Here are some tips on how to navigate questions

You don’t realise until you stop working just how much small talk revolves around what you do for a job. Strike up a conversation with someone, and the inevitable questions begin. They want to get to know you, and for some reason, it almost always starts with: “So, what do you do?” Or: “Where are you working at the moment?”

It’s a loaded question. That feeling of dread begins to creep over you. You make excuses for not working, rather than telling the truth. Many people feel anxiety when work talk comes up in conversation. Feelings of guilt and shame rise to the surface. So, how can we deal with these feelings?

If you can’t work, or you’re taking time out, you shouldn’t feel ashamed. It means you’re taking your health and wellbeing seriously, and not working yourself into a potential crisis.

A few years ago, I gave up my full-time job as a family worker for a local council. I was on sick leave for six months when I decided I was too ill to return, and resigned. I was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was out of work for nearly two years, which crushed me. My work had defined me, and I was immensely proud of what I did, day in and day out. But what I realised was that working was detrimental to my health, and caused me to spiral further into a bipolar episode. Initially, I found it incredibly difficult to talk about not working. However, the more I did talk about it and why I was unemployed, the easier it became.

What to do if someone questions you about work

So, how do we go about answering this question? As with any conversation, it depends on the circumstances and your relationship with the person asking. Never feel you categorically have to answer. It’s OK to move the conversation on to another topic, or simply say you don’t feel like talking about work and jobs right now. I personally like to go with honesty, but if you’re feeling vulnerable or anxious, it’s reasonable not to answer. Most people won’t question you further, and will accept you don’t want to talk about work. For those that do, again, it’s fine to assert your boundaries, and ask to move the conversation on.

On the other hand, if you feel you want to answer, it’s best to be honest. Giving a vague answer invites more questions, so you’ll end up saying more than you perhaps plan to. I would always go into these conversations thinking that if someone wants to get to know me, the real me, they’re going to have to understand that I am out of work at the moment. If I lie, it is only going to negatively impact my self-esteem. I’m only ever hurting myself by not being truthful.

It isn’t an easy approach, and many people find it stressful to talk about unemployment for fear of being judged. But if someone judges you for not working, whatever your reasons may be, they’re not worth getting to know. They’re not worth investing your time in to. It may mean they need to reassess their priorities in life, and think about what makes them fulfilled and happy beyond their job.

Unravelling the accompanying emotions

A common feeling we have in response to this question is guilt. We feel guilty for doing nothing when, in reality, we are never just doing ‘nothing.’ It could be you’re volunteering or learning new skills at home or in the community. You might be involved in activism, or you’ve started a blog or newsletter. Even tasks that seem small to others might be massive accomplishments for you, and it’s OK to speak up and cheer yourself on.

If taking care of yourself is how you’re spending your time, then that’s perfectly valid. It’s also a good opportunity to introduce the person to a new book, new ideas you’ve read or listened to on a podcast, or a new hobby or skill. Steering conversations to what you’re doing with your time, or how you’re taking care of yourself, will make you feel more comfortable answering this question.

It’s also OK to be honest if you’re struggling. Being unemployed can impact our mental health, and it can feel like there are mountains of time to fill each day. Talking to others can help, and they may have suggestions or know of groups and activities which happen during the day.

It might also be that you’re off work due to mental and/or physical illness, and you don’t have the energy to be active or learn skills or hobbies. There should be no shame in simply taking care of yourself, however that may look for you, and sharing why you’re not working and what your day looks like, can open up conversations and support from others.

Now, I’m back in employment, but I don’t feel ashamed of the time I spent not working. It gave me space to spend time with family and friends, learn more about myself, passions I didn’t realise I had, and hobbies and skills I never knew I was capable of. At the same time, it gave me space to understand my illness, and the best ways to look after myself. I’d never had time to focus purely on my health and wellbeing before, and it helped me find better treatments and stability sooner than if I had been in work.

The overall takeaway here is that work doesn’t need to define you. There is more to life than a job. If you find yourself unable to work completely, it means you’ve been struggling for too long. Finding yourself without a job isn’t a sign of failure, especially in the current climate.

There are so many things that define a person – their hobbies, their passions, and their personality to name a few. It’s about changing our priorities and recognising what truly brings us joy and happiness in our lives, and leaves us with a feeling of contentedness. When we acknowledge this, it makes that question of ‘What do you do?’ less daunting, because we’ve realised there are a wealth of topics we can talk about more passionately, and with conviction.