Welcome to Money on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of money and mental health in the lives of real people. In this edition, Patience shares a week in her life where she juggles guilt around spending alongside being financially responsible for her family, following the leap to working for herself
Patience Chigodora as told to Kathryn Wheeler
It’s Tuesday, and I have a decision to make. I’m weighing up the pros and cons of taking on a new client. Of course, I could use the money, but I’m questioning whether I have the capacity. It’s tough working for myself, because I want to grab any income with both hands, but I also want money to come from people that I genuinely feel in alignment with. It feels like I’m still on that wheel – just going, going, going for the sake of financial security. But I’m also learning to embrace that these moments of anxiety around money are on another level while working for yourself.
In the last six months of going full-time in my business as a hypnotherapist and spiritual life coach, I’ve mainly been living on my savings. But now income is coming in – I’ve even started paying myself a salary! I call what I’m going through the biggest personal development journey ever in my life.
After sleeping on it, I decided to take on the client – it’s a nice addition to my budget for the month. I was also deciding what fitness activity to do this week, as I’ve promised myself to do something outside of the house. But the first thing that comes up in my mind is ‘What if I save that £12 instead of spending it?’ I’m not sure if my discipline with money is too extreme. But, eventually, I talk myself into going, with the reminder that I do deserve to enjoy myself.
On Thursday, I treated myself to working from a café. I get a drink as a freebie with my energy provider, which is the only reason why I went. The free hot chocolate coming at just the right time reminds me of the abundance mindset that I’m working on. It’s about the power of assumption, a willingness to believe that I already have everything I desire, and openness to receive opportunities that are always coming my way.
I didn’t realise until recently that I always looked at the money I have as not enough. When I was young, my mum was a single mum and resources were tight, and I’ve been working on understanding childhood trauma with money. It awakened me to understand that money is just an energy – it links into manifesting, and believing that I always get what I need.
On Saturday I went out for lunch with a friend, and had a day of window shopping. I enjoyed this more than I expected – it made me feel motivated to keep doing what I’m doing, knowing that I’m working towards being able to treat myself. I’m having to be more conscious about doing things just because I want to do them, which is hard while working for myself, and also being financially responsible for family members.
I send a monthly allowance to my grandma in Zimbabwe, to look after the bills and her health. It’s a cultural traditional thing, and my mum used to do it. But, when I was in university, I saw just how much of a toll was taken on her, so at 21, I took over. I love to help, but it’s a big responsibility. When I was choosing to work for myself, that was one thing I had to think about. I’m single and I don’t have kids, but I have a family to look after. As much as I love it, it can be overwhelming.
Monday rolled around, and I swear, waiting for invoices to clear is so stressful, especially when it’s late and you’ve already spent it in your mind. This time, there is also a knock-on effect, which might result in me having to ask for an extension on a payment. But it comes with the territory, and this time I just didn’t get ahead of it in enough time. I know that I’m ready for a break because these misjudgments are a sign for me to have some time off. Thankfully, next weekend, I’ll be going away for a week, and I’m looking forward to that reset. In the end, the invoice did clear that day!
Reflecting back over the week, I realise I’m doing a lot better than I give myself credit for. I’ve got most things that I need. I am proactive in changing and reflecting on things that might not be working. And I am proud of my awareness, which means I can pivot if I need to. I give myself permission to feel that it’s all OK.
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