Take the fear and stigma out of solo dates, and learn to love some alone time
When you don’t like yourself, it’s probably unsurprising that you might hate spending time alone. I actually used to joke that I once had 30 best friends, because I was so scared of being on my own. When you only have yourself for company, you are left with your thoughts and, for those with low self-esteem, those thoughts aren’t normally pleasant to be around. As a result, I made sure to have as many friends as possible so I was never alone, and would always be distracted.
I remember I used to keep thinking that, one day, I would enjoy spending time alone once I liked myself… But what I wish I knew back then, in my teens, is that it’s actually the other way around. You need to start spending time on your own to get to know yourself better, and you need to know yourself in order to like yourself. You need to face the discomfort of being by yourself, and confront the fear that surrounds it – and, unfortunately, that task is not magically going to get easier by never doing it. It might sound obvious, but you need to spend more time alone to actually learn how to enjoy your time alone.
The first thing I did was start to schedule nights in. I understand doing things alone out in public can be quite scary, so my advice to you would be to start from the comfort of your own home. What I found to be key was making them lovely date nights, full of all the things I enjoy, whether it was my favourite TV show or cooking my favourite meal. I started to notice there were things I would do if I had friends over for a movie night that I wouldn’t do for myself, like going to the extra effort of putting the crisps in a bowl rather than eating them out of the packet, or bothering to put the side lamp on for mood lighting instead of the harsh overhead light. I realised if I would do that for other people but couldn’t be bothered when I was alone, what was I telling myself? I was subconsciously saying I wasn’t worth that extra time and energy. So, I lit the candle, and I used the expensive face mask that I was always saving for a special occasion (and would often end up expiring first).
When it comes to tackling going out and doing things alone, the main fear that stops people is the concern that others are staring at them, or thinking that they are lonely or a loser. I believe this mentality stems from childhood, where you would worry about having no friends. But the truth is that people are not thinking about you as much as you think they are, and if anyone judges you because you are sitting in a restaurant alone, it’s only because they don’t have the confidence to do it themselves. They therefore project onto you how they would feel in your position. This does not mean you have to internalise how they want you to feel!
One of my favourite things to do is to go to the cinema alone, and, sometimes, it’s an intentional act of self-love and, sometimes, it’s simply a logistical thing of not being able to find a friend who wants to see the same movie or is available. Either way, it’s an important step, because inherent in the message of doing it anyway, is teaching yourself that you aren’t waiting for a romantic partner, or even a platonic friend, to start living the life you want to live.
You can use things like reading a book in a restaurant, or going on your phone while you wait for the movie to start to distract you from the fear of judgement from others, but, ultimately, there comes a point when you do have to actually face the scary thoughts in your head that accompany alone time. Just because your brain says something, it doesn’t mean it’s true, and instead of listening to that voice of self-doubt, go into your body and detect how you are feeling. If you are feeling sad or lonely, let that feeling exist, validate it, and stop pretending that you don’t feel that way. What’s the worst thing if you accept that you are feeling that way? You will let it out. It often takes more energy to pretend we aren’t feeling how we are, and this is actually what most people are running away from when it comes to alone time. Confronting it and giving your feelings the attention, time, and space they are asking for is what allows those feelings to pass.
Once all the initial discomfort is recognised, you’ll be able to sink into the peace and quiet of solitude, and, with some practice, you can adore being alone – like I do. Solo nights are some of my favourite evenings, and it is truly my favourite way to replenish the tank, and have more energy for the week ahead!
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