Are you guilty of going with the flow for the sake of keeping the peace? Or find yourself fearful of saying ‘no’ because you value others’ needs above your own? It’s time to ditch ‘faking it’ for friends, and embrace authentic connections
I’ve always hated the phrase ‘faking it till you make it’. Often, it conjures up scenarios of being told that if we project confidence we don’t have, we will eventually succeed and find it. But, in my mind, if you are doing it, you aren’t faking it. This can be infuriating in the false narrative we tell ourselves that we have to ‘earn’ that confidence – and I don’t buy it.
The seeds of self-doubt sown with this phrase go deeper though, teaching us to question our own knowledge of ourselves – or to ignore it. We’re taught to plaster on a smile, turn up, and pretend to enjoy the things we don’t. Growing up, we’re often told to keep trying something, and eventually we’ll like it. This could be anything from foods to certain hobbies, and later going to parties, or joining sports groups, simply because our friends like to do these things, or we feel pressure to because it’s something ‘everyone does’.
This is viewed as a part of adulthood. You can’t always do what you want and, more times than you realise, you will have to do what you don’t want.
Naturally, there is an element of this seemingly inescapable ‘duty’ in everyday life – whether that’s agreeing to plan a social event for colleagues, or organising your household budget to help your future self. But overall, I think we tell ourselves stories about how we are needed more than we are, and therefore we endure more unenjoyable things than we should. In reality, we don’t always have to be the ones to sacrifice our time or energy for the greater good. The responsibility doesn’t always have to fall to us.
Towards the end of my 20s, I learned there is power in being authentic. Recently, my friend was running a spinning class event, and I hate spinning. But I said yes to attending because I wanted to support her, and the community she was building around sobriety. It didn’t mean I had to be fake though. I told her: “Oh I hate spinning, but I’m here to support you.” When I posted about the event online, I said: “Spinning isn’t my thing, but I’m always here for a sober hang, and I love working out with friends.”
Essentially, you don’t have to lie to be polite. You can be open and authentic about the parts you enjoy, and the parts you don’t, and once you become known for that honesty, it actually becomes more of a compliment. The people I met that day found it refreshing when I talked about how I found the cycling seats uncomfortable, and my friend appreciated that I’d come anyway.
On the other hand, there are times where the response to an invitation is ‘absolutely not’. For me, that’s karaoke, and I have turned down many birthday invitations because I know I will have an awful time. Instead, I might suggest that we go for dinner beforehand, or do something else together to celebrate. The truth is people don’t want you attending something out of obligation, or if you’re going to be miserable. And it doesn’t have to be perceived as an all-or-nothing thing in friendships and relationships. It’s not a decision between enduring or being a bad person, you can choose the third option – you can choose something that works for you. Life is too short to do things that you hate, and someone who loves you would not want you to suffer for their sake.
If you are the kind of person who is so used to overriding what you want or how you feel about a situation, it can feel very familiar to just endure. In fact, if asked, you might not even know how you feel about something, because you are so used to being disassociated from your needs. The first thing to do in this case is to simply insert a step, or brief pause, before saying yes to attending something by asking yourself if you would actually like to go. It sounds simple, but more often than not, we just check our diary, see an empty slot, and fill it, because we live in a world that encourages us to be busy and productive. If we are physically available, we don’t view not wanting to go as a valid enough reason to decline.
This needs to change, so let’s bring an end to ‘faking it’! Let’s be honest and real about the events we want to attend, where our passions lie, and when our energy needs to go elsewhere. From my own experience, people tend to take your attendance for granted less when you start honouring your needs and being authentic to them, because they know if you show up, it’s because you really do want to be there!
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