Why do we turn to certain behaviours in stressful periods, and are our perceptions of what’s healthy (or not) truly accurate?

We hear the term ‘coping mechanism’ a lot these days, but what does it actually mean? According to psychologists, these are strategies we turn to, to help us manage stress, our emotions, or difficult situations, and while there’s been debate over whether these techniques and behaviours can be broken down neatly into categories, the reality is, most of us will turn to them for a complex blend of reasons.

And this is where perception plays a role in perpetuating stigma and shame. While the definition itself doesn’t include a negative or positive implication, if you spend long enough on social media, it would be easy to think otherwise. People’s associations and assumptions with the term can mean it conjures up maladaptive coping mechanisms (which typically offer short-term relief, without addressing the underlying cause), such as substance abuse. But the reality is that there’s a spectrum of mechanisms we can turn to – some of which are genuinely healthy and supportive as well. These could range from seeking professional support to exploring a hobby that you know helps you de-stress.

Of course, what people deem ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’ is often based on societal projections. For example, if your coping mechanism was to start working out two hours a day, this might be seen in a good light, as it would be perceived as a positive commitment to your physical health – but, for some people, it might actually be a technique to avoid dealing with an underlying emotional issue.

If your coping mechanism was to pour your time and energy into your work, it’s likely that you’d be praised, and yet if, instead, your outlet was playing video games all hours of the day, you might be shamed – even if this behaviour was constructive for you.

We even see this perception of what’s considered a societally acceptable coping pattern in humour; parents often joke about their nightly glass of wine as their coping mechanism, especially during in the early years of parenting. It’s viewed as relatable and understandable, until that glass turns into a bottle, and then the shame begins.

This is why it’s important to be aware of your own behaviours, and what tools you’re turning to, to question if, and how, they’re supporting you – but to do so without judgement. At its core, the goal of a coping mechanism is often to numb or avoid whatever is going on in your life. So try to be aware of why you are choosing that action, and, from that place, you can then understand that the gym, or work, can also be used in a harmful way, as much as alcohol can.

It’s this awareness that can help you move forward; if you recognise something is harmful or poses a threat to your health, you can reach out for support to deal with the underlying motive driving you towards this coping mechanism, and find more beneficial routes instead.

You might be wondering what you can do once you have this recognition of your own behaviour patterns – whether you’re able to view them in a more positive light or not. And, while there is a lot of stigma attached to using coping mechanisms, the truth of the matter is they are often essential to your survival. Does drinking a caffeinated energy drink at 6pm support your best quality of life? No, but it might just give you the pep you need to make dinner and finish your important presentation prep, so that you can get through an unusually stressful period at work.

Typically, once through that survival period, people look back on their past with shame, wondering why they drank so much or stayed in that relationship as long as they did. But it’s important to look at your behaviour in the context of your experience – which often makes more sense than not. Through this more compassionate lens, we might understand that our body and brain came up with resources to help our survival, rather than scolding ourselves for not being perfect in the face of adversity.

There is no purpose in shaming yourself for past decisions that you cannot change. Instead, if we are able to look at those decisions with kinder eyes, we would be able to understand why our past self made those choices.

Then, we can learn from them, and grow, by recognising where we can make different ones moving forward.

Ultimately, whenever you go through something big, the chances are, you are going to make some decisions that are out of character, because big life events typically propel us to change as a person. In needing to figure out the new you, and your new life, you might try a few new behaviours on for size – some will be a temporary plaster, some will fit and you will want to keep, and others will fall away as you see that they’re not the best decision for your future.

Regardless of how you reflect on a coping mechanism after the fact, you can show yourself compassion and understanding for what that tool contributed to your life for the period it served you. So, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed; a human can only handle so much, and sometimes we do need tools to soften the blows life deals us!