We all want to celebrate our friends’ milestone moments – whether that’s a special birthday, holiday, or hen do – but it shouldn’t cause you to break a sweat (or the bank) to do so. Here, columnist Michelle Elman discusses friendship wage gaps, and how to communicate your spending limits with mates
Who remembers the episode in Friends called ‘The One With Five Steaks and an Eggplant’? Ross’s birthday becomes a point of contention after one too many occasions out for the group sees them divided over what’s affordable, when it’s brought to their attention that a waitress, largely unemployed actor, and masseuse’s salary just can’t compare to that of an archaeologist, chef, and whatever-job-Chandler-does-that-has-something-to-do-with-spreadsheets.
As we get older, you’ve probably found that this episode has become more relatable, not only because wage disparities seem to increase with age, but also because financial expectations for socialising seem to grow – whether it’s needing to go abroad to celebrate a friend’s wedding – or the accompanying hen/stag do and engagement party – baby showers, housewarming gifts, and not forgetting milestone birthdays. At the same time, our financial responsibilities can cause more pressure, with everything from home repairs to dependents, pets, debt, saving for something special, or perhaps we’re simply struggling with the cost of living. Whatever our financial situation might be, what we are willing to spend on socialising can change, and therefore money issues can arise because we are more selective and cautious with where we spend our money than we were in our youth. So, how do we navigate this in a way that we won’t lose the connections that matter to us?
The best place to start is setting boundaries before they are broken. If you are about to go on a holiday with friends, communicate about the price point before anything is even booked, or anyone starts looking for hotels. Before you set off, have conversations about what you are willing to indulge in, and what you would prefer to be a bit more frugal around. I remember learning this lesson when I moved in with three friends. Two housemates would rather spend their money on nights out than paying for heating, while my other housemate and I had thought that it was common sense to spend money on the bills before you spend it on things that could be considered unnecessary. Everyone has different priorities, and until you check and communicate them, you are setting yourself up for mismatched expectations.
Communication is a word that is often overused in personal development, but when it comes to monetary issues, it is vital. Always ask instead of assuming. A friend of mine recently told me about how she was added into a group chat for a hen do, and was expected to pay £300 without knowing what the money was going to, or what they were doing. The request came from the maid of honour, whom she had never met, and she felt too uncomfortable and awkward to question this in a group chat full of other people she didn’t know. This difficult scenario could have been avoided if some consideration had been given – for example, checking in prior to forming the group chat, or a discussion about the budget could have been the starting point, various options for budgets could have been voted on, or, at the least, ensuring clear communication around what the money would be going towards so people could decide if they were comfortable moving forwards.
In this situation, it was difficult because she didn’t know the person, but within a friendship, you should also be able to say, “Hey! I’ve been feeling lately that sometimes when we plan things, there is an assumption that we have the same amount of disposable income, but we don’t. It can make me feel uncomfortable, but I want you to know, just because I can’t join in on all parts of your celebration doesn’t mean I don’t love and care about you. I am going to work out the details, and if I can’t attend, I would love to do something else to celebrate.”
Your love and care should not be measured by what you can afford, and £300 is a very different amount for someone who makes £30,000 to someone who makes £300,000 a year, so making that comparison is not a fair judgement.
Ultimately, if they are a friend, you should be able to be honest with them, and if they react unkindly or with judgement, then that is information you need to pay attention to, and it’s better you know sooner than later.
Bringing up financial conversations can be daunting, but too many people-pleasers go into debt trying to make those around them happy. Money should not be the deciding factor on whether someone stays in your life, and so if that becomes a condition of your friendship, realistically, that’s not a friendship you want anyway.
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