Michelle Elman on dating apathy and rust-out

If your romantic spark has been dampened by dating apps requiring your endless attention, it could be time to break up with swiping right. Michelle Elman delves into the power of a dating detox, and rediscovering the fun in first dates when you’re ready to return

Anytime I hear anyone moan and groan about dating apps, I always wonder why they are still on them. Don’t get me wrong, I completely empathise that the modern dating game is a challenge, and a lot of effort, even at the best of times. But if you are hating being on dating apps, then get off them! The worst thing you can do is go on a date full of dread – that’s a guaranteed way to have a rubbish time.

Often we keep swiping and trying to find a connection, regardless of how the process makes us feel, because we are told that as single people, we need to be actively working towards changing that, otherwise being single is our fault. But being single is not a problem to be fixed. You are allowed to be single, and just want to be single. Single is not a waiting room for being in a relationship, and if you want to take a break from dating, you are allowed to do so.

I personally haven’t been on a date in three months. I really enjoyed dating earlier in the year, but when my life got busy with work, and some of the emotions from my breakup earlier in the year began to surface, I hit pause on my dating profiles. I listened to my body when a guy asked me out and all I wanted to do was say no, and I actually said no. It’s important we listen to ourselves when our body is telling us to take a break from dating. Sometimes this can come out of dating too much, and sometimes it can come because you feel deflated and rejected after one too many dates going wrong.

Whatever the reason, it doesn’t really matter why, it matters that you stop forcing yourself to date when you don’t want to.

I have a controversial view that you don’t have to look forward to first dates. In my book, The Selfish Romantic, I write: “In terms of first dates, your level of enthusiasm for meeting a stranger is allowed to fluctuate. There were many times before a first date that I would drag my heels to get on the Tube – but once I was there, I would have a great time. If you are out of practice, it’s normal to feel jitteriness before a date.” But there is a difference between not particularly looking forward to an evening of small talk, and feeling complete and utter dread. The latter is when you are at the stage of rust-out, and that’s when it’s time to go on a dating detox.

All that happens when you force yourself to go on a date when you don’t truly want to, is you reinforce the narrative already in your head that dating is awful. Going on a date with miserable energy will confirm what you already believe, whereas taking a break means you can let yourself have time to actually feel that desire to date again.

When you take a break from dating, you don’t need to have decided how long you are going to pause for, you can just listen to your instincts. Taking dating off your to-do list can actually be really liberating, to give yourself full permission to enjoy being single at its full capacity, and put all your time and energy into yourself instead.

My longest dating detox was when I was 21 years old. I didn’t go on a date in three years, and it was a very conscious decision after noticing that I had a bad habit of dating men who did not treat me very well. I took a break, and the break continued for that long, because I also noticed that every time I decided to date one of these guys, I saw a backslide in my personal development. I didn’t know it would take me three years to feel ready to date again, but there is not a single moment I have regretted that period in my life.

We often think dating is the only way we can improve our love life, but I really credit that single period for being the reason my relationships improved. I took the time to understand myself better, and invest in my future by focusing on my career. I got comfortable with being alone, and I even started to enjoy my own company – and all of these things benefit your future relationships.

When you are ready to return to dating, one way to reduce dating apathy is to stop seeing the end goal of dating as attaining a relationship. This creates the mentality of failure, even if you have had a successful date. Instead, focus more on trying to enjoy the person sitting in front of you. If you’ve had a good evening, or if you have learned more about yourself, consider that a win – even if they don’t want a second date! When we go to a house party, we don’t decide whether we enjoy it depending on how many new friends we have made, or the number of contacts we have been able to secure throughout the party. All I’m asking is that you view dating the same way! People are interesting, and even if that person is not your future partner, if you set the bar at interesting conversation, it’s a lot easier to leave the date optimistic than full of expectations.