What to do if it feels like you’re getting mixed signals from a friend who is either unresponsive, or extremely slow to reply, to your messages
Being left on read – AKA when you can see someone has opened or viewed your message, but not responded – can be incredibly frustrating. Such a simple thing can propel your mind into a flurry of self-doubt. Are they ignoring me intentionally, or just busy? Am I overthinking it? Maybe they didn’t see it. Or maybe they’re annoyed at me. Do they actually hate me?
When our brains don’t have answers, they become meaning-making machines. We seek explanations for something like an unread text message, and depending on the day, how bad a mood we are in, or how we are generally feeling about ourselves, can have a tendency to derive a narrative that feeds into our worst fears and most limiting beliefs. Cue fretting that your friend is angry at you, your crush has lost interest, or there’s been some kind of terrible accident. Communication is confusing at the best of times, and then when you add technology into the mix, it’s easy to feel lost.
The first thing that I want to make you conscious of is ‘the spotlight effect’. This is the psychological phenomenon that explains why we fall into the habit of taking everything personally, or view things from the angle of everything revolving around us, because we cannot exist outside of ourselves. It’s the way that we can be so conscious of how others perceive us, like we’re in a constant spotlight, when, in reality, most people are more preoccupied with themselves.
When it comes to being left on read, there is a possibility that the person you are texting is simply busy, overwhelmed, or that they reply to you at the same pace as the other people in their life – slowly. While it can be hard not to jump to conclusions, try to pause for a moment to acknowledge that it might not be personal. As I say in my book, Bad Friend: “Adult friendship is hard, because we are all tired,” and while it is frustrating to wait three to five business days for a response, it’s important to recognise that we all have other priorities and responsibilities.
Part of learning to not take offence to being left on read is recognising and respecting boundaries, as it’s only a recent evolution to expect 24/7 access to someone. When it comes to unanswered text messages, it can be easy to think, ‘They’re always on their phone, so they must be actively ignoring me,’ but we’ve all had moments where we’ve been distracted and forgotten to reply. The more controversial thing to flag is that there will be a priority order of the people in your life – and we all have a finite amount of time and energy to connect each day. So, just like you might have others who you’d prioritise over them when you have a minute to check in, you might not always come at the top of their list either.
With these boundaries, it’s worth remembering that just because you send a message doesn’t mean you’re owed an instant reply, and just because someone is calling, doesn’t mean you have to pick up. You’re allowed to determine who has access to you, and others are allowed boundaries around when you can access them.
If, however, you notice a pattern of constant delays in replying, or having to chase for a response full stop, and feel like it’s affecting your relationship, then you are also entitled to boundaries and can communicate that. Doing so might feel intimidating, but it doesn’t need to be a massive conflict; it can be as simple as saying ‘Hey! I respect you like space from your phone, but I’d really appreciate it if you could acknowledge my messages even with a quick emoji, especially when I’m arranging an event.’
I personally had this experience with a friend where, to this day, my texts can be left for weeks. We have been friends for more than a decade, and she was a bad texter the day I met her – so, ultimately, it would be a bit silly to still be upset over it years later. I either had to accept her for who she is, or end the relationship because it was incompatible. And while it might sound silly to some to end a friendship over this, if you view it as a disparity in communication styles, and it leaves you feeling frustrated, unseen, or unappreciated, this is a perfectly valid reason why a relationship might not work out. We can’t force people to change if they don’t want to, and if you have communicated that their behaviour is something that upsets you and nothing changes, as we say in life coaching, you have three options: accept it, change it, or suffer.
Of course, there are times when slow replies aren’t a character trait, but seemingly an intentional, subtle way of ghosting, or gradually distancing themselves. If this happens, call it out. Sending a text like ‘Hey! I’ve noticed you haven’t replied a few times, and wanted to check if we’re OK? If I’ve done something to upset you, I’d love to know,’ will help clarify it, and if they still don’t respond then you have to ask yourself if you would like someone in your life who can’t communicate when they have an issue. Ghosting is symptomatic of a culture that shies away from the hard conversations, but it can be cruel and cowardly, and if someone doesn’t have the respect to end a relationship, then that’s not a relationship I would want anyway!
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