Who doesn’t long to feel seen and understood? But validating others can actually feel challenging – especially when we all have a unique perspective. Here, we explore different techniques on how to validate others, even when we disagree

Imagine this: your friend is telling you about a difficult communication issue they’re having with their boss – what’s your reaction? Do you leap to your friend’s defence, jump in to fix the situation with a plan or two, or, perhaps, see it from the boss’s point of view? None of the options are necessarily ‘bad’ choices, but there might be a healthier way to be helpful when someone tells you how they feel.

What does it mean to validate someone?

Validating someone is about being there for that person in the moment, and showing a willingness to recognise their emotional experience – even if it’s different to yours.

Take the friend/boss conflict, for example. Validating them might be expressed as: “It seems like your workload is excessive, and it’s leaving you feeling overwhelmed, as well as unappreciated by your boss, and overlooked by the company. I can see why you’d feel upset.”

By saying this, you’ve set aside your feelings and subjectivity, given them your full attention without judgement, gently summarised how they feel, and accepted their emotional response – relaying that you get it, and, most importantly, that you care.

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Note: In certain situations, validation might not be suitable as a relationship-building or mutual growth strategy, e.g. in cases of narcissistic behaviour or narcissistic personality disorder.

Point taken

Feeling heard ultimately helps us feel wanted, recognised, and as if we belong. It’s this sense of closeness that fosters safety and trust in our relationships. This was backed in a study, in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, which found that the feeling of being understood activates parts of the brain associated with reward and social bonding – notably the ventral striatum – showing that validation can create a sense of connection.

What’s more, validating others is a skill you can develop over time, even if it doesn’t feel instinctive to you at first.

But say the conflict directly involves you – what then? Validation in this context is trickier to practise, and something many of us, understandably, struggle with. However, it’s important to remember that you can validate someone without necessarily upholding their views.

Steps to validate, not agree

Let’s get even more specific. Say you’ve been feeling exhausted lately, and although you don’t care much for parties, your partner has agreed that you’ll both attend one this weekend, without giving you much notice. This leads to an argument, where you feel neglected, while your partner is frustrated.

While it’s easy to let things fester, including some validation responses in your discussions can, ultimately, cultivate deeper satisfaction in your relationship. You might even find your partner becoming less defensive as a result. Try these five steps:

  1. Be mindful of your body language, including maintaining eye contact and an open posture.

  2. Recognise their emotional experience by listening without judgement or blaming, or jumping in with opinions.

  3. Acknowledge their core intention, by affirming their inherent character or strength.

  4. Confirm your boundary with calmness and clarity, setting a consequence if appropriate.

  5. Stay curious and encourage taking action together, without forcing the situation.

As an example: “I hear you. I can tell this party is important to you, and you love socialising. Your charisma was what initially attracted me to you! However, this party is beyond my comfort zone, especially on short notice. It might not seem like a big deal, but, to me, it is. I would’ve preferred it if you’d checked with me first, and I expect that next time. What resolution can we reach here?”

It’s possible to validate someone while holding them accountable, and this approach can be applied in many everyday situations, including tricky professional or personal – and even, political – conversations.

Validating your child’s feelings

Accepting your child’s feelings, no matter how big they are or how small the problem seems, will help them feel understood, just as you might do in your adult relationships. “I can see why you feel sad/disrespected/angry” goes a long way with kids, and helps them develop the ability to label their emotions later in life.

The ‘helped, heard, or hugged’ communication framework for young people, as discussed in a 2023 New York Times article, has become a popular phrase used to let someone choose what support they need – practical help, space to vent, or comfort – emphasising the importance of pausing instead of offering a quick fix.

What to avoid when validating someone

Validating someone involves listening empathetically by using non-verbal cues, such as eye contact and nodding, acknowledging their feelings with empathy, and paraphrasing or reflecting the experience.

Avoid apologies like “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which may come across as backhanded or empty, as well as telling someone how they should feel.
Validation isn’t a perfect process. But by making an effort to ensure someone feels heard, you begin to build bridges that allow you to meet, with compassion, in a new area of understanding.