Is porn...

…cheating? Addictive? Bad for you? We answer all of your top questions about your relationships with porn.

Watching porn is more common than you might think. According to Ofcom, 29% of adult internet users visit online pornographic content. A YouGov survey revealed around a third of men (36%) watch pornography at least once a week, while 13% watch it every or most days.

Despite how many of us have consumed some form of porn, it’s still a taboo subject to talk about. This can make it even more difficult when it comes to trying to find answers to our most common questions about our relationship with porn.

To help get you started, we answered some of the internet’s most searched for questions when it comes to watching porn.

What is porn?

Pornography can refer to a whole range of different kinds of sexually explicit media, from photographs and videos to erotic novels or even video games. Most commonly, it’s used to refer to videos (online or dvds) or photos (online or magazines) that are created specifically to be arousing.

Some people may use pornography to learn more about sex, to try and foster a more positive outlook on sex, to explore certain fantasies safely, or for other recreational reasons. Some couples find watching together can help foster a beter sense of communication, sexual satisfaction, and even commitment compared to those who watch it alone.

Is watching porn bad for you?

When it comes to watching porn, various studies have found both positive and negative effects. For some people, watching soft porn can act as a stress release, as well as an opportunity to explore their likes and sexuality. Others find that it can help boost their confidence without the pressure of examining these things with a real-life partner present. Studies have also found that realistic pornography can improve body image and self-esteem, as well as increase sexual comfort and self-acceptance.

However, other studies have found negative effects can include leading to more risky sexual behaviours (e.g. extramarital sex or paying for sex) and lower relationship satisfaction (sexual and intimacy). Researchers have also expressed concern that pornography can reinforce pre-existing misogynistic beliefs.

With so much conflicting research, how can we know if we have a problem?

Counselling Directory member Noel Bell, MA, PG Dip Psych, UKCP, explains more about how to know if you have a problem with porn.

“It is true that not everybody who watches porn is indulging in problem behaviour. If your use of porn is not causing you any harm and not adversely affecting other parts of your life, then it could potentially be viewed as a lifestyle choice and, therefore, not a problem. The real trouble with porn emerges when your usage starts to produce negative consequences and begins to interfere with the functioning of your close relationships.”

If you find yourself trying to hide your tracks online, thinking about pornography for large amounts of time, or feeling anxious if you cannot watch, it could be a sign that your relationship with pornography may have become unhealthy. Other signs to look out for can include spending more time than planned searching for porn and needing to watch more to experience similar levels of satisfaction. If you have found yourself feeling remorse, shame or guilt after watching, it could be a sign that it’s time to seek help.

Is watching porn cheating?

What counts as a relationship betrayal or cheating can vary greatly from person to person, and relationship to relationship. What one couple may find to be acceptable, another may consider to be unacceptable. Generally speaking, actions (like watching pornography) that results in a sense of trust or feelings of betrayal can be seen as having a negative impact and even as cheating. However, it’s important to consider your specific relationship boundaries.

Some people consider porn to be cheating if their partner only watches or interacts with it in a secretive manner (e.g. hiding when they watch or not admitting when asked). This can lead to one partner feeling like the other is deliberately being secretive or is hiding something from them, which can result in feelings of loss of trust or betrayal. If watching pornography becomes a substitute or replacement for shared intimacy, this can also lead to feelings of upset or discomfort. Over time, if not addressed, this can lead to resentment, guilt, and even anger.

Having an open, honest, frank conversation about what you are both comfortable with and any expectations, limits, or discomforts can be a huge step towards not only healthier communication, but can help clear up any potential misunderstandings. Some partners may consider watching pornography to be cheating, while others may be completely comfortable with the idea – or may only feel comfortable if you both watch together. Finding out what works best for you, your partner, and your relationship is key.

Counselling Directory member Graeme Orr, MBACP(Accred) Counsellor talks more about is pornography cheating. “The issue seems to revolve around how it makes the partners feel. So, if both watch pornography together, perhaps as part of their sex life, that does not feel like cheating. If one partner watches pornography with the consent of the other and they still have a healthy relationship together, again that doesn’t feel like cheating. The problems really start to arise when the secretive nature of watching pornography comes to the forefront.”

Some people may turn more towards pornography to deal with other relationship problems. For example, differeing libidos or if their sex life has started to feel routine rather than exciting.

Focusing on identifying the root cause of why one partner may be turning to pornography over sexual relations together is important if you are worried that it may be having a negative impact on your relationship. Focusing on having open, honest communication can be a big help. Working with a therapist to talk more about your relationship or any concerns you may have about pornography addiction can offer you a safe, supportive space to talk openly about what is worrying you, as well as to deal with any feelings of hurt or betrayal.

Is watching porn addictive?

Currently, there is no academic consensus on is pornography is addictive, meaning that porn addiction is not recognised as a diagnosable condition, though people may unofficially refer to repeated behaviours around pornography (e.g. feeling the need to watch or thinking about it excessively) as an addiction.

One study estimated around 3-6% of adults are affected by porn addiction. While there may be no official diagnosis, there can be negative effects surrounding intimacy and self-esteem. Some people experience the compulsive need to watch, read, interact with or think about pornography.

Problematic pornography use can still impact your life and relationships. If you are worried about how often you are thinking about or watching porn, or have started to notice changes in behaviour (e.g. trying to hide your porn use or cancelling plans to watch more), it can be a sign that you need help.

General sex addiction (or hypersexuality), is also not a diagnosable condition, however, some experts believe that sex addiction could be a behavioural pattern. Find out more about the signs to look out for if you are worried that you might have an unhealthy relationship with sex or a sex addiction.

Is watching porn normal?

Watching ethically made pornography – by yourself or with your partner – isn’t inherently wrong. For many, pornography can provide a safe way of exploring their fantasies, interests, and even sexuality. One YouGov survey revealed that 76% of men and 53% of women have watched porn at some point.

Watching pornoggraphy isn’t uncommon. It is important to make sure that you are happy with how much you are watching, how frequently, and to consider reaching out for help if you are concerned about how your relationship with pornography may be changing or developing over time.

While watching porn can be a natural part of our lives – both individually and together as couples – if you’re worried that there may be any negative impacts on your own mental health and wellbeing, or on your relationship, working with a couples counsellor, a relationship therapist, or a therapist with experience in sexual addiction can help. A trained, professional therapist can help you to better understand how you are feeling, why you may be turning to pornogoraphy instead of your partner, to work together to foster better communication, and to find a healthy way to move forward.