Wise words from adults who have been there themselves
It can be difficult to know how to support someone who self-harms if you haven’t had personal experience with this yourself. Though anyone can engage in this behaviour, research has found that self-harm is most common in young people, with a 2021 study from the University of Cambridge finding that one in five adolescents are estimated to engage in some form of self-injury. There is also an increased chance of a teenager self-harming if they are a woman, neurodivergent, from a marginalised community, the LGBTQ+ community, or a lower socioeconomic background.
When it comes to providing a safe space for a teenager, the most important thing is to be non-judgmental and to listen to them. Kanu Batra, chief executive officer and co-founder of Speek, a platform that supports parents of children who self-harm, explains: “We’ve learned that parents play a crucial role in supporting a child who self-harms by fostering a safe, non-judgmental environment where communication can flourish.
“Often, children find it easier to open up when they feel understood and validated. Many parents prefer using alternative strategies, like non-verbal communication or texting, when direct conversation feels too difficult.”
It can be hard to initiate these sensitive conversations, as well as offer practical support for overcoming this desire to harm themselves. Here, five adults who self-harmed as teenagers, as well as experts and wellbeing professionals, offer their advice for navigating this difficult time together.
1. Encourage them to talk about self-harm
“My biggest advice would be to tell someone,” Fleurine, 27, says. “Find someone you trust and open up to them. Things lose their power over you as soon as they’re spoken out loud, and the burden becomes far easier to carry. People want to help you, so give them the chance.
“I did this with a friend and had a code word, so I didn’t even have to go into detail. She just knew to message me for a while, or even call, and get my mind off of it. Waiting just half an hour, or an hour, can be enough to make the urge diminish.”
When it comes to starting the conversation yourself, Dr Faith Martin, chief clinical research officer at Speek, says that curiosity is important during these conversations, as well as listening to what they’re asking for, rather than what you think they need.
“It can feel hard to create conversations at times, so be open, and when your young person talks, listen – be curious about their experiences, respect their experiences, and resist the urge to rush to solve,” Dr Martin says. She suggests asking open questions like: what are things like for you at the moment? How can I best help? How can I best be here for you?
The main point she emphasises: “Listen more than you talk.”
2. Help them find an alternative outlet for their feelings
“The advice I would give anyone in the same situation is to really look at why you’re hurting yourself, and what you want to achieve from it,” Paul, 30, says. “For example, if it’s an outlet for rage, which everyone has, then it needs to go somewhere else. I would look at an outlet that people find gives them the release of self-harm without actually self-harming.”
Research published in Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy has found that taking up a sport or new form of exercise is one of the most successful methods of breaking the cycle, as it offers an alternative way to work through your emotions and release them physically through movement.
3. Encourage them to explore sensory distractions
“For me, I found that having another less-destructive, yet physical, sensation really helped me,” Sarah, 35, says. “So things such as holding onto an ice cube until it melts, or flicking an elastic band against my wrist. I wish those tricks were there when I was younger.”
In her practice, consultant child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr Maite Ferrin advises that sensory distractions can offer healthier coping mechanisms that alleviate the desire to self-harm, and can help break the habit for good as they offer a substitute for the behaviour.
The activity can also be scaled to meet the level of the urge. For example, a medium level of holding an ice cube could be raised to taking a cold shower if you have a more intense desire to harm yourself.
4. Take up creative hobbies
“I’ve always loved writing, so I used to love pouring my heart out in my blogs about my mental health,” Andy, 47, says. “I got such a buzz from writing, I’d equate it to being like post-gym endorphins. I could guarantee that whenever I finished a blog, the urge to self-harm had dissipated somewhat.
“I also tried to motivate myself (when doing my A-levels) with the dream of getting a degree,” he adds. “I’d try to think about achieving this dream, and that if I kept self-harming then I’d be too ill to ever go, which kept me moving forward.”
This positive idealisation can help when you’re in difficult circumstances – imagining a happy event taking place in the future to find a sense of purpose in your life in the present.
The charity Mind found that creative hobbies such as writing, painting, crafting, and playing musical instruments can help reduce stress, and instil a sense of purpose and fulfilment as you work to develop your skills. It’s a safe way to express your emotions and explore them in a constructive way that also offers you some enjoyment and distraction.
5. Spend time outside together
“One of the best things I did was start going on long walks with my dad or my family, and gradually opening up about how I was feeling,” Jen, 25, says. “I didn’t have to look directly at them, or read their emotions, or see their judgment – instead, I could talk and see where the thoughts took me, without feeling pressured to tell them everything while we were sitting next to each other on the sofa without an escape. The walking kept me calm and helped me to open up and get outside of my head for a while.”
Spending time outdoors has been found to have numerous health benefits, such as reducing stress levels, and improving your mood, self-esteem, and sleep quality. Alongside this, it’s a social way to spend time with loved ones while also getting some physical exercise, and the endorphins that come with moving your body.
Dr Martin adds: “It’s important to recognise the underlying distress a teenager is experiencing. When we understand self-harm as their way of managing intense emotions, it helps guide how we respond. Validating their feelings is crucial. Just as we need others to empathise with our perspective, our teenagers need that same validation from us.”
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