For times when you’re lost for words, keep these tips in mind
Whether a friend has broken up with their long-term partner, a colleague is losing their job, or a loved one has been diagnosed with a health condition, there are times when people share difficult news with us.
“Hearing someone else’s difficult news can bring up memories and feelings around our own experiences, and news about especially difficult things – like bereavements or a diagnosis – may be hard for the listener, especially if it touches on recent or unresolved grief,” explains counsellor Ruth Hill. “Alternatively, if the news is a long way outside of our experience, it may feel shocking, perhaps even frightening, and leave us feeling disempowered.”
We may be unsure about how best to help, or feel awkward and uncomfortable. Here, we look at what to do when someone shares their difficult news with you.
Show you care
“Giving the person your complete focus shows them what they have to say matters,” says Ruth. She recommends trying to find somewhere quiet to have the conversation if possible. Avoid looking at your phone or other distractions. “Good eye contact, and relaxed non-verbal cues, such as leaning forward slightly, nodding, and using appropriate facial expressions that convey warmth and empathy, can put the person at ease.
“Acknowledging their feelings through statements helps people feel heard,” Ruth continues. Saying things like: ‘This sounds so difficult, I’m sorry you’re going through this right now, but I’m glad you’ve come to me.’ Encourage them to talk more if they want, as it will validate their experience.
Ask what they need
Sometimes people need to vent, and other times they want solutions – so it’s best to ask how you can support them. Check whether they would like advice or just to share their experience. “Asking can offer the person a sense of being heard, and of autonomy and choice when they may feel overwhelmed, bringing them back to the present moment,” says Ruth.
“If they just want to share, active listening, empathising, and reflecting their feelings will be plenty, and once the person has shared, they may be happy to leave it there. If they want advice or need specific support, asking what they might need from you will give them space and encouragement to do that, and help you decide what next steps to take to support them.”
Try not to minimise or make it about you
Accidentally minimising the person’s experience with comments like ‘At least…’ or, “It could have been worse” can invalidate their feelings and experiences.
Ruth also recommends trying to avoid offering unsolicited advice, or pushing the person into problem-solving before they feel ready. “They may already be overwhelmed, and a barrage of possibilities and solutions, without a good understanding of all the factors, can be unhelpful and make the person feel unheard,” she says.
“Try to avoid making yourself the focus of the conversation,” adds Ruth. “Sharing similar experiences and empathising to show you understand can sometimes be helpful and welcome under the right circumstances. But, initially, it’s better to keep the focus on the person sharing. Having strong feelings in a moment like this is completely normal, but drawing focus to yourself by self-disclosing, or becoming visibly upset, may make the person feel like they are not being heard, or that they now have to take care of you instead.”
Look after yourself
Hearing someone’s difficult news can be challenging for anyone – it’s OK if you feel overwhelmed or emotional. It’s important to look after yourself while being there for them.
Setting boundaries can help. “For example, it’s OK to say with kindness, ‘I only have 15 minutes, but I’m here now and want to listen,’ letting the person know you’re giving what you can, but also managing their expectations,” suggests Ruth. “While this might feel like it’s not the ‘right’ thing, being able to be fully present for 15 minutes may be better than spending 30 minutes with someone and becoming upset or unable to focus.”
Grounding techniques after the interaction can have a stabilising effect. Ruth recommends going for a walk, getting fresh air, or having something to eat or drink.
“If the news has brought up difficult feelings for you, it can be useful to reflect on these, taking some time to process the experience – perhaps by journaling or talking to someone yourself, be that a friend, a manager, or a therapist,” Ruth says, while emphasising the need to treat what you’ve been told with care.
Remember that someone choosing to talk to you about a difficult time shows they trust and value you, and that being there for them in whatever way you’re able will make a real difference.
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