How to cope with being the ‘glue friend’ in your group

Are you stuck holding things together in the name of friendship? Here’s how to loosen your grip…

Whether it’s organising someone’s baby shower, making restaurant reservations, coordinating competing schedules, or keeping the peace when conflict erupts, friendships take work. But all those responsibilities aren’t supposed to fall on one person.

“I love my friends,” says Rachel*, “but occasionally, it would be nice to be able to just turn up somewhere and not feel like I have to be the one to instigate things, and plan them all the time.” Rachel is the self-confessed ‘glue friend’ of her group, and she’s well aware of the fact that without her, plans may never be arranged, bonds will weaken, and friends might lose contact altogether. The glue friend holds everything together – but at what cost?

Bonded together

Cultivating friendships is an important aspect of wellbeing. One study, published in The American Journal of Psychiatry, showed that those with friends and close confidants are more satisfied with their lives, and less likely to experience depression. Similarly, a meta-analytic review published in PLOS Medical found that those with strong social relationships are less likely to die from all causes, including heart problems and a range of chronic diseases. And yet, often, being the glue friend can come with negative consequences.

The weight of responsibility

“Glue friends can often act as emotional mediators, ensuring that conflicts are smoothed over, plans stay intact, and everyone feels connected,” explains psychotherapist Tina Chummun. “While this role may provide a sense of purpose, it can also lead to emotional exhaustion, anxiety, and chronic stress, because of the emotional responsibility that is involved.”

If acting as the group party planner is beginning to feel like a burden, it could be affecting your brain chemistry. “From a neurobiological perspective, constantly being in a state of emotional vigilance can activate the brain’s amygdala – the region responsible for processing threats,” says Tina. “When this happens frequently, the body releases cortisol, a stress hormone that, over time, can impair memory, reduce immune function, and contribute to feelings of burnout.”

Rachel recalls experiencing something similar last December. “I was busy, and not in a great place mentally, and while I would have been more than happy to catch up with my friends, I just couldn’t face setting the ball rolling and having to organise it,” she says. “So I didn’t – and it meant there was no pre-Christmas get together last year.”

Noticing the symptoms

It can be hard to ignore the urge to bring everyone together, but it can be helpful to take a moment to reflect on your overall emotional health. Tina explains that chronic worry, feelings of resentment, and palpitations when around friends, can all be signs that your sense of responsibility is having a detrimental effect. Fatigue, tension headaches, and digestive issues due to prolonged stress responses, can be prevalent, too. Tina also notes the potential negative impact on gut microbiome, which can trigger stress-related neurobiological conditions like irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

Being the glue can even leave you dreading the social events you’ve organised, because they take so much out of you. Whether it’s managing the logistics of times, places, and activities, or playing therapist to the people who have long-standing beef, you might start to notice that your interactions don’t deliver the warm and fuzzy feeling you’re so deeply craving.

Ultimately, your dedication to the cause can become overwhelming to the point where you need to step away, but that can be much easier said than done. “The brain’s prefrontal cortex (the area responsible for decision-making and impulse control) may become impaired when someone is under chronic stress,” says Tina. “As a result, glue friends might struggle to prioritise their own needs, or recognise when they need a break.”

Getting unglued

As the glue friend, it’s likely that you’re the person your pals come to when they’re in need, and you probably find it hard to say no. You want that social connection – so isn’t being there for others a non-negotiable part of nurturing friendships? Perhaps not. According to Tina, boundaries are essential when it comes to downgrading how much of yourself you give away to others, which allows you to prioritise yours truly.

“From a neuroscience perspective, setting boundaries helps reduce overactivation of the brain’s stress response system. By creating time for rest and recovery, the parasympathetic nervous system – the body’s rest and digest system – can kick in, promoting relaxation and emotional stability.”

Creating space through boundaries will let you care for yourself instead of others, allowing you to show up to your relationships feeling calm, leading to more authentic experiences in the long run.

Tina suggests blocking out certain parts of the day to interact with friends, and similarly, blocking out time to recharge, where you don’t get caught up in messages and making plans. “Let friends know that you’re not always available to mediate conflicts, or offer advice. For example, say: ‘I care about you, but I need some time for myself right now.’”

Be brave and ask friends to help out more, gently encouraging them to take initiative when it comes to making plans or managing group dynamics. If you’re the mediator between two friends who don’t see eye to eye, let them resolve things on their own now and then.

Being the glue friend may seem like the only way to maintain meaningful connections, but establishing healthy boundaries is crucial for avoiding burnout, and preserving your own wellbeing. Ask others to take the lead and choose yourself for a change – this way you’ll build authentic relationships that bond naturally, without always having to be the adhesive that holds everything together.

*Name changed