An expert look into the problem with people- pleasing, what it is that keeps us trapped in this behaviour pattern at the expense of our own wellbeing, and, importantly, steps you can take to set yourself free

Have you ever played the finger trap game? It’s a small tube that you put your two index fingers inside. The challenge is to take your fingers out of the tube. Sounds easy, right? The catch is when you try to pull your fingers out, the tube locks around them and makes it impossible.

Like this game, my client John was in a trap of his own making. He spent a lot of his time, energy, and thoughts trying to make everyone around him happy. The irony is that the more he tried to do this, the more unhappy he became. So, what was really going on?

Struggles with criticism and disapproval

Humans have a tribal mind. This means we have an innate need to fit in. This starts in childhood when we want to keep our caregivers happy, as we depend on them for survival. This continues in school with peer groups, and later at work, with teams and bosses. If we feel that we aren’t fitting in, it will probably trigger our threat detection system to identify possible danger, which can lead to an emotional response: anxiety. To compound this, if we grew up in an environment where it was not safe, or difficult to disagree with someone (i.e. we faced displeasure or even rage), we may learn the coping skill of pleasing people.

What is people-pleasing?

This is a pattern of behaviour where we put others’ wants and needs before our own, and can make us particularly sensitive to criticism and disapproval. In turn, attempts to avoid any potential criticism can result in unhelpful behaviours. Here is a quick people pleasing audit to see if this may apply to you:

  • Do you say yes to people when really you should be saying no?
  • Do you repeatedly find yourself in situations you don’t want to be in?
  • Do you tend to avoid difficult conversations, potential conflict or confrontation?
  • Do you feel responsible for how other people are feeling?
  • Do you treat everyone’s opinions and feelings equally?

Becoming your own person

As we grow up, we need to develop our own sense of self, separate from our parents and caregivers etc., and establish clear boundaries. People-pleasers tend to have what I call ‘leaky or weak boundaries’, which means they find it hard to distinguish between themselves (their own wants and needs) and others (wants and needs). If we are not able to do this, we cannot be in control of our decisions and life (volition), which holds us back from fully growing up as a person, meaning we may become trapped by childlike behaviours.

Top tips for people-pleasers

If you recognise that you might be a people-pleaser, and tend to do things to avoid others expressing disapproval or criticising you, you may find the following tips helpful:

1. Understand whose opinions really matter.

Do you treat everyone’s feedback and opinions equally? If so, the next time you are stung by criticism, take a moment to consider if this person’s opinion really matters to you. Not everyone’s opinion will hold the same weight.

2. Know that opinions are not facts.

Do you tend to take criticism as fact? Ask yourself if it is possible that this is just someone else’s view. A trusted advisor can help you distinguish this.

3. Maybe it’s not you.

Many people who are critical of others are highly critical of themselves, and project this on to others. Is it possible that the issue may lie with the other person, and they are simply projecting their feelings?

4. Remember that people think about you far less than you think.

We all have a tendency to believe others think about our interactions as much as we do. The reality is this is not the case. They probably moved on from the situation as soon as you were out of sight, but the burden of criticism can stay with us for a long time. Seek to let go and care less about what other people think of you.

5. Focus on your own values and rules.

Do you assume everyone holds the same values and rules about life that you do? This is called egocentric thinking, and is rarely the case in reality. Catch yourself when you say ‘I should’ or ‘I must’, as you are probably following someone else’s rules. The valid reason for doing something is because you want to. Take time to understand your values and act on them, rather than someone else’s.

You may be wondering what the solution is to get out of the finger trap. Well, (spoiler alert) it’s simple once you know how. The secret is to relax, and push your fingers inwards not outward. Likewise, for people-pleasers, maybe it’s time to start doing what John learnt, which was to look inward and lead his life by what’s important to him, rather than outward to others for validation and his sense of self-worth.