If every hangout with pals feels like a catch-up marathon, this one's for you. Build better friendships, without the guilt or overwhelm

Do you recognise this scenario? You’ve been meaning to see your friend for ages now. You make a mental note to send them a text later. Then life happens.

That work deadline creeps up on you, the family event you’re quietly dreading takes up more headspace than it should. Warning lights come up in your car, triggering a cascade of admin, and when the evenings roll around, you just want to marinate in your PJs.

Eventually, your friend sends the text before you do, making you feel immediately guilty. You navigate your busy calendars and pick a date. After a couple of reschedules, you finally meet over a drink at your local. The evening is spent taking turns catching each other up. So much has happened since you last spoke, and yet it somehow feels like nothing much worth mentioning.

Do they really want to hear about how that meeting went at work? Perhaps you can skip over the awkward incident with your sister-in-law; there’s so much context needed, and the barman just announced last orders.

As you turn to leave, you feel disconnected. Like a distance is growing between you, and you don’t know why. You both promise to see each other more and scurry back to the lives you’ve built for yourselves, wondering how anyone is supposed to maintain meaningful friendships as an adult.

This is the catch-up trap.

What are the pitfalls of the catch-up trap? 

The catch-up trap sees us constantly catching our friends up with our lives. It tends to happen when we see them less often than we’d like, and conversations become dominated by what’s happened since we last spoke.

Now, catching our friends up with what’s been happening is not a bad thing at all, but when it becomes the only thing you do together, it can become a problem. The catch-up trap puts friendships into a state of stasis, like they’re suspended in mid-air or running on the spot. 

You may find yourself relying on nostalgia and reminiscing to fill in the gaps. Again, in small doses, nostalgia can be a wonderful thing, but when we’re locked in the past and at the same time desperately trying to catch up on our present… there’s no room for growth or forward momentum.

The catch-up trap keeps us stuck. Conversations have to be surface-level because there’s so much ground to cover. You don’t get the chance to dig deeper, uncover how you’ve evolved as people, what your dreams are now, what you’re struggling with. 

Without this deeper connection, friendships can begin to stagnate. As the stretches of time between hangouts increase, so too does the distance between you. Resentment can build in some cases as finding time to chat begins to feel more like a chore than something enriching.

What can we do then, when we see ourselves in the catch-up trap, knowing that this friendship is something we value? Knowing we want to grow with this person, not apart from them?

How to move out of the catch-up trap

If you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone, and there are some practical ideas you can try to free yourself from the catch-up trap for good.

Set a timer for catch-up time

This may sound a touch clinical, but speaking from personal experience, it can be a game-changer (especially if there are a few of you meeting up). The idea is to allocate each person a certain amount of time to talk about what’s been going on, say around 10 minutes, and set a timer. This puts a nice boundary around catch-up talk, making it a part of the conversation, but not all of the conversation.

Once the catch-up portion is done, you may find you want to talk further about something someone mentioned (your friend got a promotion, how are they feeling about it? Your other friend mentioned an argument with their partner, do they want to share more?). Or you may turn the conversation over to something else entirely.

Play with this idea and see how it feels for your friendship group.

Gather some conversation prompts to dig deeper

If things are feeling a little surface-level and you want to deepen a connection with a friend, try using some prompts and questions to steer the conversation. This can help take you out of the usual conversation style you have, hopefully sparking a sense of closeness and understanding.

Not sure where to start? Give these 30 questions to deepen a friendship a try.

Prioritise new experiences together

This is how you grow your friendship and take things to a deeper level – make new memories together. Perhaps especially important if you feel your relationship is built on nostalgia, bringing your friendship to the here and now by doing something new together can be powerful.

Swap your next coffee date for a drag brunch show. Cancel the glass of wine over FaceTime and plan a wine-tasting experience instead. Sign up for a pottery class together, give salsa dancing a try, grab a football and have a kick-around at your local park.

This won’t always be possible, and it’s unrealistic to make every meeting a fun new experience (let alone exhausting, let’s be honest), but keeping this idea at the front of your mind can make all the difference. Even if you plan just one weekend every year that you’ll dedicate to new experiences together, this can have a beautiful ripple effect.

Check in with what you both need

Underscoring all of these tips is a reminder that relationships, like all things, ebb and flow. Regularly checking in with friends and what they may need (and considering what you need) can be helpful. 

For example, one friend may be overwhelmed with family things right now and needs you to take the reins to organise the next group hang. You may be struggling with some anxiety and need to cancel the planned visit to London and suggest a cosy at-home movie night instead.

There’ll be times when other priorities compete for your attention, and instead of feeling guilty for not being able to be as present as you’d like for your friends, be honest. We often speak about the importance of communication within our romantic relationships, but let’s not forget its role in friendships, too.

If we can show up with honesty, humanity and a desire to grow together, we’ll burst out of the catch-up trap in no time and soar towards the horizon, together.

Find out how coaching can support your friendships.