Trusting a professional to oversee the exploration of your relationship can make you feel extremely vulnerable – but there are a wealth of benefits to devoting time to nurturing your connection. So, here are seven useful tips on approaching the counselling conversation with your partner

Couples counselling can be a hugely beneficial experience, whether it’s to improve communication, resolve roadblocks, or gain a deeper understanding of your relationship dynamic – all with the help of an impartial sounding board. However, despite the plethora of benefits, there is still some stigma around couples counselling, and asking your partner to go on this journey can sometimes be a difficult conversation to navigate.

But, having the tools to approach this, such as understanding how to phrase it in the right way, in the right setting, can turn inviting your other half to take this step with you from an intimidating idea into a productive pursuit.

Get clear on your intentions

We all have different reasons why we might think couples counselling is an important step for our relationship. However, before you go ahead and ask your partner, it’s important to set aside some time to identify exactly what it is that is driving you to do this.

“You need to be clear on how you’re feeling, and why it’s important to you, so you can get this across to your partner,” counsellor Jodie McCormack explains. It is likely your partner will have some questions, and potentially show resistance initially, so having that clarity on why you are suggesting counselling means you are prepared for this.

Approach the situation carefully

While you may have been thinking about the topic of counselling for a while, it’s good to keep in mind that, for your partner, this might be something they have never considered. Whether they don’t feel the relationship is one that could benefit from counselling, or they are resistant to the practice more generally, there are a number of reasons they might not give the response you are initially hoping for.

“They may need some time to consider their own thoughts and feelings before they can offer you an answer,” says Jodie. “Let them know that there isn’t any rush, and perhaps agree on a time to continue the conversation later, if needed.”

Choose a calm moment

Subsequently, it is crucial to pick your moment wisely when approaching this topic for the first time. “Bring this up in a calm environment where you both have space and time to speak freely. It’s no good mentioning it as you’re heading out the door to work, or drifting off to sleep, as neither of you will have time to unpack the emotional suitcase you’ve opened up,” Jodie says.

Don’t play the blame game

When explaining your reasoning, try not to blame your partner. Chances are, your partner might feel a little defensive at the initial suggestion, so you want to avoid anything that could increase this reaction. Also, blaming will cause more conflict than resolution, and is unlikely to create the desired outcome. “Instead, be prepared to listen, and consider the role you both play in the relationship. This helps to take away any blame, which, in turn, reduces the chance of defensiveness,” Jodie advises.

Pick your words carefully

When thinking ahead about how the conversation might go, it’s handy to have some phrases in mind that can help your partner see the benefit of attending counselling together. Jodie suggests trying phrases such as:

  • “I really value our relationship, and would like us to invest more time into it.”

  • “I’ve noticed that lately we’ve been a little disconnected, and I think couples counselling could help us to reconnect.”

  • “I want to explore ways we can help our relationship, and I think couples counselling could help us with that.”

Take a breath

Sometimes, when navigating the topic of counselling for the first time, the conversation might head in the wrong direction. It’s best to try to catch this before things escalate further. “If you’re not in agreement, and you notice either of you are becoming irritated, or things are becoming heated, take a breath, share that you need to pause the conversation, and agree on a good time to return to it,” suggests Jodie.

Don’t force it

It’s vital to remember that we can’t force our partner to do anything they don’t want to do. It can be frustrating when we feel that we can see a way forward, and our partner doesn’t, but we have to accept their decision. If this is the case, Jodie suggests one positive step could be to find individual counselling for yourself first.

“This could be beneficial for you, because this can help you to create healthier boundaries, improve communication and resolve conflicts,” says Jodie. As a consequence, if your partner sees the benefits of counselling in action, they may be more open to exploring it together