Counsellor Bea Appleby explores the roots of perfectionism

Recognising the multifaceted nature of perfectionism, and how to stop the relentless pursuit of it from trapping you in a self-judgemental state of stasis

When we picture perfectionists, we often imagine high-achievers with spotless homes, immaculate appearances, and flawless work. But the reality of perfectionism is often much more subtle, and far more common than we might think. Many people who struggle with perfectionism don’t even recognise it in themselves; it can quietly seep into the way we live and relate to others, without us even realising.

The classic image of the perfectionist is typically neat, organised, always ahead of deadlines – and represents only one version. The desire to be perfect isn’t reserved only for highly successful individuals. For many, it manifests as under-functioning, feeling stuck, procrastinating, or avoiding tasks entirely, because the fear of failure is paralysing. Perfectionism isn’t simply about wanting to do well, it’s the deeply rooted belief that you must be the best, or do everything flawlessly to be loved, accepted, or even safe.

At its core, perfectionism often grows from early experiences, and is developed in childhood through subtle messages from our families and society. Many perfectionists internalise the message: ‘I must be perfect to be worthy of love.’ This belief may be shaped by families where love or attention felt conditional, or was dependent on achievement, good behaviour, or emotional suppression. Or perhaps praise was only offered for performing or excelling, rather than for simply being you.

Not all perfectionists come from harsh or critical homes, though. Many grew up in loving, well-intentioned families, but where emotional nuance was lacking. In these households, mistakes weren’t welcomed, vulnerability wasn’t modelled, and expressing difficult emotions felt unsafe. Over time, a child may learn that being ‘good’ is synonymous with being safe, and making mistakes is a problem.

In therapy, we often refer to these as early ‘scripts’ – unconscious narratives that play on repeat, shaping decisions, relationships, and self-worth, until we learn how to challenge and rewrite them.

Wider culture reinforces perfectionism, too, especially in the era of social media where we are shown constant reels of other people’s lives, showcasing curated perfection that feels impossible to match. Clients often share how they compare themselves not only to friends or colleagues, but also to strangers online who seem to be doing everything better. This constant comparison can quietly erode our self-esteem, fuelling the cycle of never feeling quite good enough.

The antidote to all this isn’t simply lowering your standards, it’s loosening the grip of self-judgement, and rewriting the rules you’ve been living by. In therapy, I help clients to learn how to sit with the discomfort of imperfection, to question inherited beliefs, and to extend compassion to the parts of themselves that feel terrified of making mistakes.

We begin to replace rigid, unrealistic rules with kinder, more balanced perspectives, like that mistakes are normal, it’s OK to be ‘good enough’, and that we can be loved and accepted when imperfect. You don’t have to be shiny, polished, or endlessly high-performing to deserve love and belonging. You are allowed to be ‘in progress’. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to stop trying so hard. Perfectionism tells us constantly that we must be more, but sometimes, the bravest act is choosing to be enough, exactly as you are.

For many perfectionists, even these simple statements can feel radical. After a lifetime of equating worth with achievement, learning to let go can feel both freeing and frightening. But, in loosening perfectionism’s grip, we make space for something far more meaningful: joy, creativity, connection, and peace.