Could the two-yes, one-no rule be the secret to a happier relationship?

Making decisions as a couple can be tough – particularly when you disagree on key areas. Could a simple rule help to avoid arguments and create clearer communication?

Whether we’re arguing about where (and whether or not) to go on holiday, are trying to come to a compromise over how to decorate at home, or debating whether you really want to get a pet, it can be tough to make big decisions together as a couple. Sometimes, making big decisions can feel like a battle between what you want, what your partner wants, and what is actually best for your relationship. 

But, what if there was a simpler way to help avoid arguing back and forth, without risking feeling like the compromise between you has become unbalanced? 

What is the two-yes one-no rule?

A simple rule, the idea of two-yes one-no is that for any significant decision that will affect both you and your partner to happen, both of you must be in agreement. If you both say yes, the decision can go ahead. But if one person says no, it’s time to put things on hold. This could mean pausing to discuss things more, taking a break in the conversation or decision making to reflect on why one of you has reservations and what the other feels like the benefits could be, and talking it through more when you are both feeling calm and clear-headed. 

When one partner barrels ahead and insists that their idea, opinion or choice is right or best, it can create feelings of resentment. Their partner may feel like they aren’t being heard, like their concerns aren’t being taken seriously, or like their partner does not care about how their decisions may impact them. So, how can the two-yes one-no rule help to avoid this?

It makes decision making more thoughtful - Rather than allowing decisions to be impulsive, split-second or to go purely on your own knee-jerk reaction, trying the two-yes, one-no rule for bigger decisions encourages you both to be more thoughtful and deliberate. 

By thinking things through, discussing them, and ensuring you are on the same page, this can help to avoid rushed decisions, help you both to feel heard, and avoid one or both of you feeling pressured, rushed, or resentful. It can also give you each more time to assess whether what you initially thought you wanted (or didn’t want) is what you really do want once you’ve had the time to talk through the other options and the impact of your decision.

Approaching big decisions with a slower, more thoughtful pace can also help you to work past immediate big, often distracting reactions, such as feelings of excitement over that holiday you want to go on that you can’t really afford, or an overwhelming urgency to say yes to a certain sale or deal now before things sell out – even if it isn’t really what you both want, or doesn’t quite fit what you need. Giving you both the time and space to step back and reassess with a clear head can help you to come to more helpful joint decisions you can both be happy with. 

It helps build trust and healthy communication - Have you ever got to the point with a disagreement where you just gave in to avoid conflict? It might feel like it helps in the moment, but you can be left with lingering feelings of resentment, upset, and discontent. By fostering healthier communication, instead of avoiding big discussions that might lead to conflict, you can develop healthier ways to talk things through, approach things with a level head, and both come to the discussion with the reassurance that you need to come to an agreement before action will be taken. 

Over time, working towards healthier communication and open dialogue can help you to better understand each other’s perspectives, to listen to concerns and reservations with an open mind. This can help you to tackle future big, difficult, or tricky decisions together with more understanding and empathy, ensuring that you both have equal say in decision making and creating a sense of collaboration. 

It helps preserve a sense of individuality – When one partner feels like the other is making the majority of the decisions, it can not only lead to resentment, but can also lead to feelings of being overshadowed, like their wants and needs aren’t as important. Over time, they might even feel like they are losing their sense of personal identity, as they give way to their partner making most or all of the big decisions. 

By ensuring you both have equal power to say no to a decision, it can help you to feel like you are making fewer compromises that you are unhappy or uncomfortable with, can create a better sense of balance, and still feel a sense of self outside of your partner’s decisions. 

How to use the two-yes one-no rule

Thinking of giving the two-yes one-no rule a try? Here are a few little tips to help you best embrace the rule and get the most out of trialing it in your relationship.

• Approach from a different angle. If you’re both stuck trying to make a decision, try asking new questions. For example, if one partner thinks a week-long holiday is too expensive, you could ask what might make it feel worthwhile? Could you take a shorter version of the same trip? Would delaying to a later date change anything? Would a cheaper trip be a good compromise? Changing the question can help to get unstuck from two opposition views, and create a sense of collaboration, working through the reasons behind the individual reactions
• Make time for discussing bigger decisions. Rather than trying to tackle big decisions as and when they arise and immediately trying to make a decision, set aside dedicated time to talk through these bigger choices or potential changes. Doing this regularly, ahead of when any big deadlines are, can help you to avoid last-minute snap decisions that one or both of you may be unhappy with. 
• Consider: Is this just one decision? Breaking bigger decisions into smaller parts can help you to make progress even when a decision may feel overwhelming. Breaking it into smaller steps can help to make things less intimidating, can take the pressure off of making one big decision all at once, and can help things to go more smoothly. 
• Take a break from decision making. If you are in disagreement, you don’t have to immediately start trying to convince each other to change your minds. Having time and space to embrace the silence, work through why your answer is what it is, and then come back together to discuss things can be a huge help.  
• Remember: You’re a team. Approaching big decisions as a team can help you to start considering the pros and cons from the outset, while still considering your individual preferences. It can be easy to get lost in the ‘winning/losing’ mindset, and wanting to convince your partner to change their decision to match yours. Remembering the purpose of the two-yes, one-no rule – to make big decisions together, to encourage communication and collaboration, to ensure you both feel heard – is key. 

Maintaining good communication in your romantic relationships

Communication is key to healthy, happy, long-lasting relationships. The better we communicate together, the more likely we are to avoid misunderstandings, feelings of frustration, and conflict. Ensuring you and your partner feel comfortable talking together can help you to both feel more comfortable and confident working through any big decisions that you might not initially agree on.

If you find yourselves still struggling to make decisions without hurt feelings or arguments, it can be a sign that you might benefit from talking things through with a counsellor. Over time, it can be easy to feel like we aren’t being listened to in our relationships, or like our partners aren’t communicating what they need in a way that is clear to us. 

Working with a therapist can help provide a neutral place to work things through, to speak with someone who can help guide you towards healthier, open, honest communication, and to reflect on what may be affecting your relationship right now. Therapy can help you to reconnect, learn the warning signs of disagreements escalating into arguments – and what you can both do to help work through this – as well as to better understand each other. 

Therapy can help with a number of different problems that might be affecting your relationship, such as communication issues, different goals and values, big life events or changes, and different needs. 

Counselling can provide a safe, supportive space where you can explore how you communicate, learn new ways of listening and recognising when you are being heard. It can also help you to better understand yourself and your partner, helping you both move towards happier, healthier decision making as individuals and as a team.