Integrative counsellor and psychotherapist Neil Gaw answers your questions on navigating life as a carer
How might my life change after becoming a carer?
The change to a person’s life when becoming a carer can be gradual or very sudden, depending on their age (such as when catering for elderly parents) and/or what condition the person they are caring for is suffering from.
With an illness such as dementia, for example, the change might be slow, but you notice your responsibilities towards that person become more necessary over time. If somebody suffers a stroke, then the changes could happen overnight, and adjustments need to be made in all parts of your life. A carer may have to manage medications, appointments (arranging and providing travel), personal care, as well as juggling finances. You may want to consider whether you are able to be a carer and continue with work. Or does that go on hold, as well as many other aspects of your social life?
What might the emotional effects of caregiving be?
Many of the carers I have worked with spend much of their time worrying about the person they are caring for. The list of responsibilities they have can seem to be endless, and they have thoughts whizzing around all day about whether they have done everything they need to. Being a carer can lead to loneliness and isolation, with many experiencing anxiety and depression – feeling that you are on your own with this, and struggling to maintain relationships.
Guilt can be a massive factor and take many forms: guilt that they are not doing enough; guilt that they are not looking after themselves; and even guilt that they feel resentful towards the person they are caring for. Often, lastly, comes grief and loss if the person passes. This can be mixed with feelings of relief as the burden is lifted which, again, can lead to more guilty feelings.
Can counselling help me cope with this emotional load?
Yes, being able to speak to somebody freely about the emotional and physical effects you are going through helps many carers. Having somebody who is separate from their lives as a carer, who they can talk to without judgement, can help to lighten the load. Through counselling, a carer can learn to see their own thoughts and feelings as valid, which can be difficult when so much of their time is devoted to somebody else. A counsellor can advise on methods and strategies that can help to cope with situations and, along with anxious and depressive thoughts, looking at ways to express your emotions.
Neil’s practical tips to support carers’ wellbeing:
1. Seek support: Look for support from family members, local charities, and groups. Many carers have siblings who could help with the care of parents, but most of the responsibilities seem to fall on one person. Speak to your family members if you are struggling, and ask for help. There are also lots of charities that may be able to provide help and respite, as well as advice on finances.
2. Practise self-care: Self-care is crucial, and it’s not just about bubble baths and spa days. Self-care can mean setting boundaries, making time for yourself, and being disciplined about taking care of your health. This is important because you will find it harder to look after someone else if your own health suffers.
3. Stay connected: Maintain your social connections. Isolation can exacerbate feelings of depression and anxiety. Stay connected with friends, and participate in social activities when possible.
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