If conflict erupts, communication breaks down, and you feel like you’re being ignored, then you might be dealing with stonewalling. But there is a way to have a connection breakthrough…
Imagine you and your partner have agreed to be a little more frugal with your money to save for a new home. A few days later, your partner forks out a big chunk of cash on a designer watch and, understandably, you want to discuss how this purchase impacts your shared finances. When you approach the subject, they don’t respond. When you push them further, they leave the room, and refuse to talk to you for days.
Something that could have been an open discussion has now become an elephant in the room, and to make things worse, you’re left feeling as though you caused the conflict by bringing it up in the first place. The relationship becomes fractured, and you feel isolated and unseen as a result of being denied the opportunity to have a helpful conversation. You’ve been stonewalled.
What is stonewalling?
When someone is stonewalling, they are choosing not to engage in a discussion. They may avoid eye contact, act too busy to talk to you, give you the silent treatment, refuse to discuss their emotions, shut down, or leave the conversation entirely, without any effort to circle back once they’ve gathered their thoughts. And, look, taking time away to process in private is fine, but stonewalling is different because it shuts down any possibility of returning to the conversation.
Why do people stonewall you?
People who stonewall aren’t always doing so intentionally. “Your partner may have learned this technique as a child as a method of peacekeeping, a defence mechanism, or copied it from a parent,” says Tini Riese, a neurodevelopmental specialist practitioner at Harley Row Clinic.
They may feel so flooded with emotion during an argument that they don’t know how to respond, using avoidance as a way to retreat from uncomfortable conversations. Everyone has their own way of communicating, and yes, some people need time to privately process emotions to allow them to articulate a response, but stonewalling has an undeniably destructive impact on relationships.
When used deliberately, stonewalling can lean towards abuse, with the perpetrator claiming neutrality as a way to gaslight their partner and maintain power. Marriage researcher and psychologist John Gottman, PhD, found that 85% of those who stonewall are men, but women can also demonstrate the same behaviours. “Whatever the root cause of the issue,” says Tini, “it doesn’t negate the harm this can cause.”
The impact on relationships
Trying to avoid an argument might seem like a reasonable goal for someone in a relationship, but stonewalling can lead to more conflict in the long term. The lack of communication creates unnecessary distance between partners, which can create a disconnect, and a lack of emotional intimacy. When stonewalling becomes a common behaviour, the list of unresolved issues accumulate, which creates a build-up of tension and makes communication more heated.
Think of it this way: when you don’t get the chance to express your concern over the expensive designer watch purchase, it’s likely your partner will continue to behave in ways that contradict the money-saving plan you made together. Without ongoing communication, this is certain to lead to further conflict, and even more stonewalling.
As a result, the person on the receiving end will feel dismissed and confused. If the person stonewalling makes a habit of cutting off communication or fleeing the relationship, the person affected may act out of desperation to find a sense of safety, doing anything to restore the connection. This can lead to resentment, as they continually abandon their own needs to keep the peace. Without addressing the lack of communication, the stonewaller will never learn to regulate their emotions effectively.
How to handle being stonewalled
Don’t accept stonewalling as a behaviour that you simply have to put up with. It’s entirely reasonable to expect a partner to engage in difficult conversations with you. With that said, when you notice the stonewalling has started there is no sense in continuing to push them into talking. At that point, it’s important not to retaliate with aggressive language, or ‘give as good as you get’ by counteracting with the silent treatment. The solution lies in better communication, not forcing them to change.
Halt the discussion and give your partner space. If possible, agree on a specific date and time when you’ll both come together to pick up the conversation more calmly. Use this time away to take care of your own mental health, by practising self-soothing behaviours such as journaling, exercising, or spending time on your hobbies. The conversation will likely flow more easily and with fewer defensive behaviours if you both take steps to emotionally regulate.
Be clear and let them know that you want to work through the conflict in partnership. Acknowledge that all relationships go through rough patches, but that you’re willing to do the work to find a resolution as a team.
Improving communication
Tossing around accusations is a recipe for further conflict. Try initiating conversation using ‘I’ statements, like: “I felt hurt when you ignored my text messages.” Focus on reinforcing the positive qualities you admire in your partner by saying things like: “You’re a really good listener, it makes me feel loved.”
Instead of insisting they act differently, make an effort to understand their point of view, and the deeper reasons behind their conflict avoidance. “Being clear and factual, giving them time to process the information, not putting pressure to answer immediately, and agreeing to alternative modes of communication, may reduce shutdowns and becoming defensive,” says Tini. “This advice could apply to a neurotypical partner as well, depending on their unique character.”
If stonewalling continues, ask them to consider speaking to a trained therapist. The cause of stonewalling may be so deeply rooted that they may need support to find new ways to regulate their emotions. The safety of a therapist’s office will give you both space to explore your needs, and learn the best way to communicate. Above all, focus on finding solutions together, rather than winning an argument and, with mutual effort, you can heal the hurt and reconnect on a deeper level.
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