Welcome to Anxiety on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of living with anxiety. In this edition, Dan Smith, 55, from London, shares how he balances business ownership with family life – while managing his mental health
Dan Smith as told to Fiona Fletcher Reid
As a child I was shy, and as a teenager. I always thought I had stomach issues, but looking back, I can see it was probably actually anxiety – and it’s been with me my whole life. It went unnoticed until about 10 years ago, when I ended up in hospital thinking I was having a heart attack, when really, it was a panic attack.
Waves of anxiety are familiar now – like the sudden rush I experienced when cooking my daughter’s dinner on Monday night. The overwhelm of everything hit me all at once – the juggling of finding enough work to pay the bills, alongside starting a new business, and taking care of the family. When I have an unexpected rush of anxiety, it’s really hard not to let it show. My daughter was asking how long food would be, and I could feel myself being somewhat tetchy in my response.
Anxiety can really interfere with your relationships. Alongside my own mental health struggles, my daughter has ADHD, her hormones are changing, and my wife is perimenopausal. So, things can get a little fractious at home, although we are getting better at accommodating each other.
Socialising with friends helps me a lot. When talking to friends on Tuesday evening, I was struck by all the little things others do to make life better, and I started thinking, I’ve got a guitar next to my desk and I work from home – why don’t I ever make time to play it? I’m so preoccupied with work I don’t allow myself to make music.
The next day, I was working on a spreadsheet which documents a five-year financial model, and I realised that in five years’ time, I’m going to be 61. That was hard to face. I have long Covid, and the experience gave me an insight into what it might be like to be old, and to have more limited physical or mental capabilities. Before Covid, I was pretty fit, but now, I’m not as active, I’ve gained weight, and I worry a lot about my health. People tell me to rest, but resting with long Covid isn’t fun – you’re too unwell to watch box sets or listen to podcasts – and I think this has made me feel more resistant to slowing down or taking time off, as well as the guilt I feel for having taken so much time off in the past. I watched my wife pick up the chores and family admin, so now I just want to keep pushing on.
Sleep is very important to me though. I try to get eight hours’ sleep a night, and I try to aim for two nights a week where I get 10 hours’ sleep. I find that if I do that, then I can cope with most things. But prioritising sleep when you want to spend time with your family is tough – I don’t always get as much sleep as I know I need.
Despite the challenges, my work on a new app (steeev.com) to address the male loneliness crisis has become a source of purpose. The idea behind my platform is to help men form meaningful platonic relationships by teaching the social skills many of us weren’t raised to develop. Something I’ve learned is that friendships need to be nurtured, and that’s a skill that a lot of men haven’t been taught. Every time I bump into my neighbour, we say: “We have to go for a beer sometime,” and, five years later, it still hasn’t happened.
As passionate as I am about getting this project off the ground, it does come with a level of vulnerability that I struggle with. For example, I submitted a business pitch to a competition, and the process involves having my pitch peer-reviewed by up to 300 people. Every time I get a ping in my inbox, I have to build myself up to open the email, because I know there might be feedback in there that will affect my mood. Luckily, I got some positive feedback on Friday, which set the tone nicely for the weekend.
We went to stay with my in-laws, which offered a change in routine and surroundings that I think can help me create space from my daily anxieties. My daughter was a bit hyperactive on Saturday night, which meant she stayed up later than usual, and the whole family was sleep-deprived as a result. It’s just a constant juggle between work and family, and, if I’m honest, the thing I need to give more time to is actually myself. But then I think, my daughter is growing up so fast, soon she probably won’t want to hang out with me much anymore! I enjoyed our time together this weekend though; we went on a local ‘treasure trail’, spotting things and noting them down as part of a game.
Looking back on this week, I can see how my anxiety ebbs and flows with the demands on my time and energy. While I’m still working on finding that perfect balance between family needs, business pressures, and self-care, I’m starting to recognise patterns that help me cope better. Creating this app has shown me that my own struggles can lead to something positive – both for myself and hopefully for other men facing similar challenges.
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