Welcome to Anxiety on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of living with anxiety. In this edition, Charlotte Phillips-Lynn, 31, from Bristol, shares how they navigate severe hearing loss, OCD, and generalised anxiety disorder
Charlotte Phillips-Lynn as told to Fiona Fletcher Reid
I suppose I’ve always had anxiety, but I didn’t fully understand it. When I was younger, going on holiday made me feel queasy and nervous, but the connection between this and my mental health didn’t come to the forefront until I became an adult. Like many others, lockdown had a huge impact on my mental health, and going back to the office, as well as being out in public again, has been a struggle for me.
I’m a senior operations analyst, and I also have my own business as a keynote speaker. In 2021, more of us started going into the office, which triggered anxious feelings for me. That same year, I experienced a homophobic attack on my commute to work, which only added another element of fear to being out of the house. A few days later, I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had – it went on for hours. After that it spiralled into health anxiety, on top of the fact that I also have severe hearing loss and OCD. Things have been a lot worse than they are now though; I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, and that really scared me. With therapy and meds I’m doing much better, but anxiety is still an everyday presence I have to deal with.
My wife and I both do hybrid working, so on days when she is in the office, I am often home alone. Because of my hearing loss, this can be quite difficult because I worry that I can’t hear someone at the door, or won’t be able to hear the smoke alarm if it goes off. Tuesday was one of those days, and I felt unwell most of the day, experiencing dizzy spells and nausea. At lunch time, I spent some time under my weighted blanket, and then took a walk in the local park which helped a little, but I also kind of just accepted I was having an anxious day, and tried to get on with things regardless.
Routine is something that helps a lot – getting up early, having set days in the office, and going to the gym. I quite often use my lunchbreak to play pickleball (a paddle sport that combines elements of tennis, badminton, and ping-pong) with friends. It takes my mind off everyday worries, and offers a temporary escape. I might feel my heart racing afterwards, and that does have a tendency to make me feel anxious, but overall it’s a wonderful part of my routine. This week, my friend wasn’t sure if they’d be able to make it, and that ‘not knowing’ made me quite jittery, because I struggle with last-minute changes. I’ve had friends lie to me in the past, so I can be quick to worry that I’ve done something to upset other people, and I can ruminate a lot about whether I’m the one causing problems. In the end, my friend was able to make it, so our pickleball session went ahead.
On days when I’m in the office, the commute is still a source of stress, because I worry about trains being cancelled and arriving late to work. My colleagues are great, but I do overthink about who will be in the office, how busy it will be, and whether I’ll end up being pulled in different directions and fall behind with tasks. I have to do a lot of lip-reading when I’m in the office too, and a full day of that can be mentally and physically exhausting.
On the weekend I can relax a little, especially on Saturdays, as that’s when I do the food shop. I love getting up early and taking my time in the supermarket when there’s hardly anyone else around. I’ve had panic attacks in supermarkets before, and had to abandon a trolley full of shopping, which can be really frustrating. So now, I find peace in knowing I can go at a time when things are calm. Then, I come home and spend most of the day cleaning and tidying, which I find very therapeutic. That, as well as cooking a roast dinner, playing cards, and snuggling up with my wife and our cat is where I feel most chilled out.
Another part of my routine is connecting with family. I always do this on a Sunday, which normally consists of phone calls to my mum and grandad, then a group video call to my wife’s family in New Zealand, which is a lot of fun! Overall, it’s been a week of managing my energy, allowing myself to rest when I need it, and continuing to stay positive on the anxious days.
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