Welcome to Anxiety on Your Mind, the new series where we explore the reality of anxiety in the lives of real people. In this edition, Bryony reflects on how her relationship with anxiety has evolved over the years
Bryony Mutton as told to Kathryn Wheeler
I started the week by reflecting on my relationship with anxiety. These days, it manifests more in response to existential questions and making big life decisions. My job is something that’s affecting me at the moment, and I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on it. I moved to Paris two years ago, to pursue the language and the culture, and I work for a group of climbing gyms. On Monday there was a clash with someone at work and, for the first time in a very long time, I felt panicky and overwhelmed. Working there has been brilliant but, now, there are things that are starting to weigh me down.
I had the day off on Wednesday – I had very minimal plans, but I went for coffee with two of my friends. The day felt like a little win because, when I first came to Paris, as a 20-year-old on my university year abroad, I had generalised anxiety. I didn’t push myself to do things because I felt overcome by anxiety, and I drank quite a lot of alcohol and socially smoked.
I stopped drinking a few years ago, I don’t smoke anymore, and I’ve grown up a lot – so, on this particular day, I had a moment where I felt really glad I pushed myself to move back, because Paris was one of the things that I felt like I hadn’t done properly because of anxiety.
When I was in my early 20s, I experienced burnout, which slowly led to severe depression. I was unwell for a period of about seven months. But I always say that it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me, because it brought to light some deep-rooted patterns. My issues had a lot to do with perfectionism, being too dependent on results and outcomes, and being a high achiever. One of the things that helped shift my relationship with anxiety was lifestyle choices, and deciding to stop drinking for good.
Wild nights out and alcohol used to be a heavy feature in my life. It used to be the norm, especially going to university in the UK, and the binge drinking culture in young professional jobs. But with this change, things have slowly shifted.
Thursday was another day off. Throughout the day, I did some job searching. I can get quite overwhelmed by it – I was looking too much and too often, every moment of my day was spent thinking about extracting myself from France – so I try to stick to an hour a week now.
In the evening, I went climbing with some friends. Movement is the thing that saved me when I experienced burnout and depression. I remember, at the time, my mum would take me to yoga classes, thinking it would do me good. But, because I was so unwell, yoga classes gave me too much time to think – and the turbulence in my head felt excruciating. Swimming was the only thing that helped me disengage from my thoughts. Without realising it, swimming became like a form of active meditation for me. It’s something I fall back on over and over again, and couldn’t imagine life without.
On Friday evening, my mum sent me details of a job in Sheffield. I got really excited about the thought of this opportunity and it ended up keeping me awake. I often refer to these thoughts as ‘chimp thoughts’. I read The Chimp Paradox by Professor Steve Peters a few years ago, and it helped me understand that when your thoughts start spiralling, that it’s just the ‘chimp’ part of your brain taking over. Once you recognise that, it can help you just relax, let go a little bit, or regain control. But that particular evening my brain just got carried away, so I didn’t sleep very well.
After being excited about this upcoming opportunity the night before, I set an alarm to get up early to start brainstorming – even though I knew I should have rested. It’s one of those moments where I realised, afterwards, that I had slipped into anxious ‘chimp thoughts’ about leaving France, and I felt flat all day. Saturday was the day that I crashed and, again, on Sunday I felt tired. When things get hard, or when I’m feeling a bit low, my thoughts go back to longing for Sheffield – back where I truly feel at home.
When I reflect on the anxiety I felt over the week, the pattern is very much thinking about the future and feeling like I’m spiralling. But a lesson that I keep learning over and over again is the need to hold on to self-belief. I’ve got a strong sense of self, but in those moments of anxiety, I lose touch with that. I would like to believe in myself in the turbulent moments because, when you look back on it, I feel like everything happens for a reason.
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