We’re getting up close and personal with empathy, its benefits, and how to cultivate more of it
In any conversation about strengthening relationships, building community, or lessening shame, often one of the first words to arise is empathy. But what actually is empathy – and how can we cultivate it so it becomes more abundant in our lives, and the lives of people we encounter?
Defining empathy
‘Empathy’ captures a myriad of things, which can make it challenging to describe accurately. However it can be summed up as the ability to recognise someone else’s feelings or experiences from their frame of reference – rather than from your own viewpoint – and using this insight to better understand what it’s like to be in their situation. Empathy is also sometimes thought of as being able to feel how another person is feeling, while staying aware that you are a separate person.
Integrative counsellor and psychotherapist Nadia DiLuzio, describes being empathetic as “stepping into someone else’s world for a moment. Suspending our judgement, our viewpoint, our experiences, in order to bear witness to theirs.”
It’s often considered that empathy can be broken down into three types:
Affective: recognising a person’s emotional response or state (e.g. feeling distress over someone else’s wellbeing)
Somatic: physical reactions to another’s experiences (e.g. feeling nervous, with a racing pulse, on another’s behalf)
Cognitive: understanding what’s going through someone else’s mind, or their thought process, in a situation.
And while often associated with compassion and sympathy, the notable difference is that empathy is a more active response – the awareness of, and sensitivity to, others’ internal states to the point that these feelings might take on a resonance in your own body and mind. By contrast, sympathy is more a passive feeling, usually related to concern for someone, but without entering into a more nuanced awareness of, or deeper connection with, another person’s inner world.
Why is empathy so powerful?
As Nadia points out, empathy is “a trait that evolved to help early humans survive and thrive in complex social environments, through cooperation and mutual support”, noting its ability to strengthen social bonds and group survival. “In today’s world, empathy can underpin social justice, promote inclusion, improve communication, develop better leadership, and support our emotional and mental health.”
Imagining ourselves into someone else’s position, and then using their frame of reference to more closely understand their experiences, fosters trust and open communication, as well as supporting emotional regulation. After all, many of us know how it feels to share something important or difficult, and be met with a lack of empathy. Without empathy, the conversation may shut down, and it can be hard to open ourselves up to seek support. We may, understandably, be left with feelings like discomfort, isolation, or shame.
On the other hand, when we’re met with an empathetic response it’s fertile ground for honesty and trust. The conversation tends to open up – either in the moment or in the future. If empathy could speak it would say: ‘Tell me more, I want to understand more fully.’ This added dynamic in our personal interactions can allow us to engage in more supportive discussions, find compromise, conflict resolution, and recognise another person’s point of view.
And science backs up the benefits of being more empathetic. A 2021 study in Healthcare (Basel) found that empathy increased engagement in volunteering, which, in turn, improved participants’ mental health – highlighting the powerful cycle of giving back, and how empathy benefits both ourselves, and society. Plus, studies, including 2020 research in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, reported that “aspects of empathy, such as others’ perspective-taking and personal distress for others’ difficulties” saw improvements in both psychological and subjective wellbeing.
How can we develop empathy?
“Empathy can be instinctive,” Nadia notes, for some people – for example, as a result of life experiences that made it necessary to attune to others’ emotional states. However, it can also be developed.
Often, the first step is to think of empathy as a skill, rather than a fixed personality trait. Like any other talent, such as riding a bike or watercolour painting, empathy can be honed with practice. As with all skills though, we each have different starting points, and do them in slightly different ways, so try not to judge yourself or deem one empathetic response as ‘better’ than another.
Put yourself to one side
Practising empathy, as Nadia reminds us, requires “putting ourselves to one side for a moment”. This gives space for the “possibility of other thoughts, feelings and experiences that are not our own”.
Creating space for others’ emotional landscapes requires an acceptance of, and respect for, difference. Two people can experience the same situation in a variety of ways, and that’s a beautiful, fascinating part of what it means to be human.
To make space for someone when they are speaking, notice the urge to jump into their story with your own interpretations or anecdotes. These urges often precede phrases like: ‘That happened to me too,’ or ‘Let me tell you about when…’
By noticing your urge, you have the choice to withhold your experiences or opinions until the speaker has fully expressed themselves – or save them for another time. While relaying shared experiences can be helpful at certain times, sometimes it can make the conversation partner censor or tame their narrative, to make it sit more comfortably alongside yours.
‘Listen to hear, not respond’
Nadia advises ‘listening to hear, not respond’, even though this can feel counterintuitive, because our natural instinct is to start formulating a response.
Focus on the words the other person is saying, instead of rehearsing what you might reply. Rather than seeing silence as the proverbial ‘tumbleweed’, view it as an opportunity to gather your thoughts in response to what the speaker has just shared. Practise this a few times to get more comfortable with silences – and not needing to fill them.
If you find yourself interrupting, try to be self-compassionate – it often originates from a desire to communicate interest. However, cutting in tends to stop the flow of the speaker, so explore ways to calm your urge to interrupt. Some people find it helpful to press their hand to their chin, or the side of their face.
Read body language, too
It’s not just verbal clues that can help us connect, but developing a more conscious awareness of a person’s body language or other non-verbal cues. You might get a sense of what a person is really feeling or thinking based on what’s left unsaid.
Sit with discomfort
Sometimes, people share things that evoke discomfort. This could be an aspect of their identity or a narrative which feels challenging to relate to. By recognising that this process is not always easy, we can develop the courage to get closer to topics that sit outside our comfort zone. It’s OK not to know something, and we all have topics that make us feel uneasy at times.
When you manage to stay present in new territory, acknowledge the win, but remember that it’s OK to gently pause a conversation that is emotionally difficult or triggering, seeking support where needed.
Questions instead of answers
Empathy isn’t about having answers, but about being open to possibilities – for how the other person might feel, and in responding flexibly to them.
If they’re comfortable, ask a few questions, like: ‘Would you like to talk more about that?’ or ‘What was that moment like for you?’
Let complexity breathe
If someone shares complex feelings, know that your role is not to translate these into something straightforward. An empathetic response doesn’t try to change how someone feels, but instead, lets them express it outwardly.
Empathy requires courage – to embrace silence, the unfamiliar, or contradictions. So, empathise with yourself as you develop this nuanced skill with others.
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