Set your status to ‘success’ with this overview to achieving digital harmony with your partner

The ping of a notification. Your partner's phone lights up on the coffee table. Should you take a peek? In an age where our lives are increasingly lived online, navigating relationship boundaries isn't just about physical space – it's about passwords, permissions, and privacy settings.

Digital boundaries relate to what you are comfortable with online. This might be around sharing your relationship status, ‘tagging’ each other in photos, or even what your expectations are around texting. It may also include discussions around who has access to your digital devices and passwords.

Couples counsellor Smaranda Jim explains why these boundaries matter: “Trust is fundamental to any relationship; without trust and respect there are no foundations on which to build a safe relationship.”

With that in mind, here is a simple, yet effective, five-step guide to creating healthy relationship boundaries around technology.

1. Check in with yourself

First, reflect on what makes you feel safe in a relationship, and how digital boundaries play a part in creating that comfortable environment. Consider questions like: how much of your relationship do you want to share online? Are you comfortable with your partner viewing your notifications? How do you feel about them following your friends on Facebook? Remember these are your boundaries, no one else’s, so you should set ones that feel right for you.

“The level of privacy should reflect the level at which the relationship is at,” says Smaranda. “After years within a safe, healthy relationship, you can consider sharing your passwords, for example. Doing that a couple of months in is not advisable.”

2. Start a conversation

Opening a dialogue about digital boundaries is crucial, whether you’re in a new relationship or a long-term partnership. Smaranda advises treating the conversation as a chance for both parties to state their needs: “As with any communication, be clear on what you need, and express that in a calm and respectful manner. Be prepared to listen well.”

Acknowledge how past experiences might influence your boundary needs, but remain firm about what makes you feel secure. “If you’re getting very emotional, or the other person is, agree to take a break from discussions,” shares Smaranda. “Ideally reconvene as soon as possible to finish the conversation. It’s OK to not sort everything out in one go. This could potentially be a very emotive discussion, and both parties might need time to reflect, so it is understandable if it will happen over a number of days.”

3. Practise your agreed boundaries

Once you’ve defined the parameters, then comes the ongoing task of adhering to the boundaries. This means not only respecting stated boundaries, but also being proactive in maintaining them. For instance, asking permission before posting photos together, or reminding them that you don’t want them to use your digital devices. Speaking up in this way can set the tone for ongoing conversations around consent. “Everyone needs reassurance,” explains Smaranda, “and if the other person’s behaviour leaves you confused, then clarity has to be achieved via communication. Share your worries with your partner, open up about your concerns in a way that doesn’t sound like an attack, and listen attentively.”

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4. Revisit regularly

As relationships evolve, so too can digital boundaries. Technology is constantly changing, bringing new challenges to navigate. Pay attention to how comfortable you feel with your digital boundaries and regularly revisit the discussion, especially if a boundary is breached.

If your boundaries are being tested, choose your moment carefully. “Find a time and a place when you’re both feeling OK, so not exhausted, unwell, very stressed, or hungry, and start by stating how having the boundaries crossed has made you feel,” says Smaranda. “Listen to the response without interrupting. As much as possible, ask additional questions if further clarity is needed.”

5. Get support if needed

Setting and maintaining boundaries can be challenging, especially if there are trust issues or different expectations. Talking to a qualified counsellor or therapist can provide coping strategies and help you improve communication, work through any underlying issues, and find healthy compromises that respect everyone’s needs.