Struggling to deal with passive-aggressive family members? We share five simple, practical ways to help reduce tension, improve communication, and help you respond with calm confidence.

Dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour is never fun. Whether someone means to be passive-aggressive or not, nobody wants to feel like they are walking on eggshells – or like they are trying to guess what’s wrong. If that passive-aggressive behaviour is coming from a family member, that can make things even trickier.

Our relationships with our families can be complex and stressful. When you throw in that one (or more) family member who would rather talk around the issue at hand, and tries to avoid expressing their opinion or how they are feeling head-on, it can make things feel even tougher. Maybe there’s a relative who seems to hold a grudge, or someone who likes to pretend everything is going well – even though really, they are feeling angry, resentful, or hurt. One of the things that makes it so hard to deal with passive-aggressive family members is being unable to discuss things openly and confront them head-on. 

So, if you’ve got a partner, a parent, sibling, or child, or someone else in your family who refuses to openly acknowledge how they are feeling and resorts to passive-aggression, what can you do about it? 

Pick your time and place

Sometimes, half the battle is choosing the right time and place for your discussion. Bringing up a topic you know your family member feels strongly about or is struggling to talk about openly in the middle of a big family event like a birthday party or holiday celebration isn’t likely to get the results you’re hoping for. If anything, it might make them clam up more and push them further towards passive-aggressive behaviours. 

Create a safe, comfortable, calm environment that you can chat in without constant interruptions or worries of being overheard. Not everyone is aware when they are being passive-aggressive. Some people are passive-aggressive because they feel uncomfortable with direct confrontations, while others find expressing themselves openly to be difficult or impossible. Passive-aggression is often a learned behaviour. Creating a space where they can feel relaxed, at a time when you both have time to talk things through, can really help to set the conversation up for success. 

Avoid playing games

Some forms of passive-aggression are easy to spot but hard to resist engaging with. Maybe you have a family member who makes hurtful comments but tries to wave them off as a joke. Or someone who clearly goes quiet when something upsets them and sighs loudly, but refuses to discuss what’s wrong, insisting that they are fine. By refusing to engage, you can help break the cycle of unhelpful behaviour and try to restart the conversation in a new way.

This could be something as simple as asking if they are OK, if there’s anything bothering them, or if you can do anything to help. If they say they are fine, or don’t want to talk about it? Don’t push. Take them at their word. This can help to take the pressure off of them and you. If they aren’t ready or don’t want to discuss something, try and move the conversation along without lingering or allowing it to affect your own mood. One passive-aggressive interaction doesn’t have to affect the whole day. This can also help you to feel calmer and to be less reactive to further passive-aggression. It isn’t your responsibility to fix everything.

Chat one-on-one

It can be hard not to get drawn into the moment and to react immediately when someone you care about is being passive-aggressive. However, this can feed into the situation, and can even make things worse as emotions can start to run high and people can become defensive. Handling things one-on-one can give you the space to speak directly with them to say how their behaviour is affecting you and your ability to enjoy spending time with them. Chatting together directly can also give you the space to set boundaries to protect your mental and emotional health and wellbeing.  

It’s important to remember to listen, not just talk. Be open to feedback. Passive-aggression can be caused by many different things. They may feel uncomfortable with confrontation, have trouble expressing themselves, or may even be using it as a way to try and feel like they have some sense of control in a situation where they feel powerless. They may not even realise they are using passive-aggressive behaviours to cope in certain situations, so it’s important to ensure that they feel able to talk and be heard.

Be patient (but don’t give in)

Passive-aggressive behaviours rarely develop overnight. Give them time to think, talk, listen, and change. By being patient, you can give them the space to examine their feelings, actions, reactions, and behaviours. In the moment, they may react defensively or become more closed off – especially if they feel attacked or feel like the conversation has come out of nowhere. 

Modelling healthy ways of expressing yourself can also be a big help. If you find something that upsets you, be open and honest. Remember: their behaviour is unlikely to be a personal attack. They may be struggling to deal with how they are feeling in a healthier way. Being calm and patient can help to create a setting that allows them to open up to you without feeling like they are being pressured to talk on someone else’s timeline. Be willing to wait for them to be ready to talk, and do your best to really listen and show that they are being heard.

Consider family therapy

Counselling to help with passive-aggressive behaviour can be a delicate process, as opening up can take time. It can be difficult for someone who has – knowingly or unknowingly – behaved in a passive-aggressive way for years to start expressing how they are really feeling, or to really share their opinions. Family therapy can help families to foster understanding, improve communication, and resolve conflict in a safe, supportive, judgment-free space. It can be helpful for all different kinds of families and family dynamics, from working between siblings or parents and adult children, through to helping the whole family. 

Therapy can help to strengthen family relationships and improve communication, both individually and together as a family unit. Therapy for passive-aggressive behaviour can help individuals identify what may be triggering unhelpful behaviours. With the help of a therapist, they can then tackle these underlying fears, worries, anxieties, and insecurities, allowing them to find new ways to manage and express how they are feeling moving forward. 

Family relationships can be messy, but they’re also full of love and potential. You don’t have to feel hopeless. Remember: No family is perfect – and yours doesn’t have to be, either. By trying new strategies of dealing with passive-aggression, you’re not just managing awkward moments; you’re creating opportunities for deeper understanding and connection. Change may be slow, but it’s possible, and even small changes can have a big effect, helping everyone to feel heard, seen, and respected.